A sign

So I'm questioning whether we did the right thing in having our beloved Junior put down.
It is always such a hard decision, for everybody.
Is he in pain? Would I want to live this way? What is his quality of life?
The vet said it is a gift we can offer animals...one we should probably offer to humans as well.
Hmmm,... I don't know about that, maybe sometimes.....

I have cried for two days...I miss his presence so much.
But he was ill. All he did for 2 weeks was sleep and try to breathe.

So I ask Jesus to give me a sign.
Any kind of sign to let me know that we did right by Junior.

I look up and what I see is my calender on the wall.
It's a winter scene with these words in the corner-

I have fought the good fight,
I have finished my course,
I have kept the faith.
2 Timothy 4:7

Thanks for the prompt answer Jesus.
And thank You for letting us have our beautiful "Jun-Jun" for 13 years.


* Happy New Year to my 3 faithful readers.
   I'll check in with you guys next year.
   Love, Lolly  XO

:(

He's gone and I am devastated.
I haven't stopped crying for the last 6 hours.
God but I miss his presence.
Fare thee well Junie.
And Godspeed to that Rainbow Bridge.

http://www.indigo.org/rainbowbridge_ver2.html

Seeking the light

Here's a pretty little piece just in case I get too busy in the next few days and forget to post something-

Lord Jesus,

Master of both the light and the darkness,
send your Holy Spirit upon our preparations for Christmas.

We who have so much to do seek quiet spaces to hear your voice each day.
We who are anxious over many things look forward to your coming among us.
We who are blessed in so many ways long for the complete joy of your kingdom.
We whose hearts are heavy seek the joy of your presence.
We are your people, walking in darkness, yet seeking the light.
To you we say, “Come Lord Jesus!”

—Henri J.M. Nouwen

Merry Christmas to my 3 readers.

Hope your holidays are merry and bright.

Blessings and continued prayers to you all.

Love, Lolly  XO

light

the winter Sun goes in and out of our lives
bringing light and darkness
as it waxes and wanes

the Son also goes in and out of our lives
bringing with Him light and darkness
as He waxes and wanes

for me, the difference between these two
is whether i have moved into the shadows
or whether i have chosen to remain
in whatever sort or source of light there is
when the darkness tries to creeps too close

i like to think of myself as a person of light
except for when i am a person of the dark
letting fear and failure and anger rule me
which is all the time.

i fight it on a daily basis..this darkness.
i want to be light, to see light, to eat it for breakfast
instead, fear rules my heart, making me anxious,
making me question the light that i think i am seeing.

i light a candle every morning to ward off the
winter darkness that greets me as i rise.
i read devotionals to turn on the light inside of me.
i haven't read my Bible in a long time, perhaps
this is why i am feeling the darkness so keenly.

the sun has not shown itself here in more than a week.
my sister came today for Bible study and we rushed
through it as she had places to go, which didn't help at all.
Our boy Junie is hanging on...more reasons for the darkness.

i'm tired and surly and in need of a nap.
Man! i hate the winter blues
if only the sun would shine in to my windows,
if only i could find the time to let the Son shine
into my life and heart and soul.

Come Lord Jesus..infuse me with your light
take away this darkness that i see.
let the sunlight and Your light shine on me and in me.

Junie

The tree is up and decorated.
the presents are bought but not wrapped.
I have grocery shopped for this week and next
We have everything we will need
to make the spirits bright.

And our beautiful boy Junie lays dying.
I am trying not to cry and failing, miserably.
I love this cat like he is one of my flesh and blood children.
I watch him all day long like a momma with a sick baby.
I can see that he isn't eating like he used to.
I can sense that he is very close to his time.
He is 13 years old.
That seems to be the magic number in this house.
Fluffy was 14, I think. Baby was 13.

Junie has been so lonely this past year without Baby.
I sometimes wonder if his heart is broken without her.
It does appear to be heart failure that he is in.

I hate being miserable and sad.
The waiting is the hardest part.

This is the season of light, love, hope and birth.
So I offer up these thoughts for our beloved Junie-

Junie, when you see the light it is okay to go towards it.
We, your people here on Earth, have loved you well and true.
We hope to see you again near that rainbow bridge when our own time comes.
Say Hi to Mojo and Fluffy and Baby when you get there.
Bump them all with your forehead, lick them with your rough pink tongue.
Jump and frolic and play like you used to.
And know that you will be missed for the rest of our days.

This house has never been empty of cats.
At one time there were 4 of you. You Junie B. June are our last.
Your leaving will leave us all with such a profound sense of loss.
I can't write anymore today...I'm too sad.
Sorry

Forgiveness

I have not spoken more than a handful of words to my mother in law in the last 5 years.
To put it simply...I got tired of being the target of her mentally unbalanced anger.

Listen...it goes back 35 years.
35 years of pretending to get along.
35 years of acting as if...when we both knew it was going to be a never.
35 years of her being nice to my face and vilifying me to others behind my back.

Her own grown children are aware that she is unbalanced.
They are all aware of her statements about me and to me.
And they all say the exact same thing..
"That's just my mom. That's just how she is."

For me..."That's just my mom" doesn't cut it anymore.
I. Don't. Care. if you say "That's how she is" anymore.
I am tired of the mental bullshit and decided I ain't going to play the game anymore.

When I had our first child, I was inundated with "advice" from her.
You're not feeding her right.
You're not burping her right.
You're not dressing her right.
You're not holding her right.
You're not diapering her right.
Baby girls are ugly "down there" with no hair.

When I got pregnant for the second time her advice was to get rid of it
as our first born who was now 2 was much too young yet to have a sibling.

When our second child, another daughter died at birth. she blamed me for it and told her coworkers and family members (who speak a different language and live an ocean away) that I had gotten drunk one night during my pregnancy and that that was why the umbilical cord and gotten twisted around her...cuz my unborn daughter had gotten dizzy from the alcohol I had consumed and had twisted around and around and around.
(17 years had passed before I was told about this. One of the European relatives came for a visit and told us what they had been told, by her, as the reason for our baby's passing.)

She also told us that we were bad parents and that god would take away all of our children.

When my husband decided to spend the next 30 years as an alcoholic I also got blamed for that.
She told me my cooking was bad. She told me how to, and how often I should be, having sex with him. She criticized my house cleaning skills. When the children fell ill or even fell down and hurt themselves, I got the blame from her for that.

She took it upon herself one day to come over and tell me that her son was only staying with me because of the children and when they were all finally out of school he would leave me and she hoped he would then find someone who really loved him.

She would try to hook him up with the single ladies that she worked with.
"So and so really thinks you're cute AND she loves sex too" was one of the things that was said in my presence...I kid you not.

 Now lest you think that I cannot let this go, that for some reason I just cannot let go of all of the things that were said about me behind my back and to my face for the last 35 years,
I offer up this fact-
Just recently my husband had an attack of his gallbladder and/or pancreas which landed him in the hospital for 2 days.
Upon finding out that he was in the hospital with gallbladder issues her words to our grown adult daughter were- "That's because your mom doesn't take care of him."

I know this is a long and rambling post and truly I am only touching the tip of the ice burg here..
But I wanted to tell you about church this past Sunday.
It was empty...lots of seats available everywhere...and out of the corner of my eye,
I see my mother in law, whom I have not spoken to in one entire year, sit directly behind me.
This is not new.
She chooses to sit as close to me as she can all the fucking time at church.
Sorry Lord.

I wanted to move. I wanted to change seats.
I felt my brain start to burn.
This wasn't any hot flash.
This was molten hot ass lava that I felt I wanted to spew.
I crossed my arms. I started tapping my foot. I felt bees in my blood stream.
The rage she makes me feel is totally unchristian.
I just want her to leave me alone. To not sit by me. To not talk to me.
I'm crazy and crazed and raging and enraged and unforgiving like a tree.
I. will. NOT. be moved.
And I keep getting prompted by Jesus to forgive her.
Shit.

How can I Lord?
How can I offer forgiveness to this woman?
This woman who has always thought and said terrible things about me?
I don't know how to do it. I don't think I can do it. I don't want to do it.

She tells people lies about me Jesus.
I can't tell you how many times she has hurt my feelings and made me cry
and no one, not even her son has come to my rescue.
He tells me to ignore her, that she is mentally unbalanced.
So I ignore her and she sits directly behind me at church.

For years she mails me birthday cards with checks for $25.00 which I do not cash
then she hounds us with phone calls as to why her check hasn't been cashed.

She calls my mother and tells her that I am lucky that her son chose to marry me
because without him, I would have ended up being an unmarried hag.

Forgive THIS Lord?!
Forgive her all her sins against me?
Lord, You do not know of what you are asking of me....
How does one forgive what has become unforgivable?

In this season of Love, Joy, Peace, Stillness, and Holy Birth
I sit here and do not know how to offer her those things that He is asking of me.
Can I not just keep trying to ignore her?
Isn't that sort of like forgiveness if I don't engage with her??

Help me Jesus...Give me the words. Give me the will and the want.
Show me in this holiest of seasons how to do something hard.
How to give up my will and do what You are asking.
We are so broken........

Peace

I'm here.
I'm busy.
I'm sorry.
I miss reading and writing here.
I miss the connection with you guys.
But time gets away from me.
It's the usual shit.
Busy with the grandkids all day.
Too tired at night to do anything else
but veg out on the couch.

Holidays are quickly approaching.
Our Christmas tree is up.
Only half decorated but at least it is up.
Some gifts are bought.
Feels like a lot needs to be done yet.

I feel myself getting stressed per usual
at this time of year.
Wonder why I allow that to happen.....
I make the holiday about perfection
When it doesn't need to be.

I'm finding myself in prayer a lot.
Praying for my friend Amy, back from Mayo.
For another friend who finds hisself
suddenly jobless at the age of 55.
And for the people in this world who seem
hell bent on destroying each other.
I pray for you guys and my family members
and I pray for myself...
To stop yelling at these grandyoungins of mine!

It's supposed to be the season of peace, right?
I'm gonna start praying for peace.
World Peace.
Peace for you,
Peace for me,
Peace for us all.