Hypocrisy and Want

I PRAISE LOUDLY. I BLAME SOFTLY.~ CATHERINE THE GREAT

i get it.
i get that i am a hypocrite.
i say one thing then turn around and say another.
it angers me when someone acts a certain way
but please look away when i act in a similar fashion.

i am a child of God.
most of the time i can see that you are not.
yes! i get the hypocrisy in that statement.

who am i to point out any flaw or defect in your character
when i am tripping, choking, gagging on my own failures??

i want what i want
and what i want is for you to act in a certain way
so my life is easier.
when i yell and snap at you i want you to change
so i don't have to.
i want you to change your behaviour
so i won't have to alter my world not one bit.

if i wake up one day and realize that i am at war
with far too many people
i would like to place the blame where it rightly belongs
and in my world that blame is on everyone else.

i like to think that maybe i am an introvert
that i'm ok with being alone,
that i prefer it this way.
but maybe the truth is that i am lonely
and don't know how to make amends
to these people that rattle the cage i've put myself in.

i want you to see my loneliness and hurt.
i want you to see my pain and frustration.
i want you to love me regardless of the way i act.

but just like a shy bird
i flap my wings when you get too close.
and i hurt myself by trying to remain alone.

maybe, if i'm gonna go with this bird analogy here,
maybe the finger pointing that goes along with the blaming
could be turned into a hand outstretched,
sort of like a perch that a small shy bird could land on,
sort of like an offering of a safe place to land.

maybe, if i allowed it, maybe that hand reaching out,
mine and theirs, could each learn to let go a little,
to not crush the offering of a safe place for us,
for me to land.
i need to learn to stop beating my wings so frantically
trying to get others to see my point, my view,
my pain, my sorrow, me.

if i quit making such a racket, wouldn't i see them more clearly too?

wouldn't life be much better if we all lived under Gods grace?
wouldn't life be much better if I allowed others to live
under that grace that God gives to me??

if God allows grace for my hypocrisy and want
wouldn't he offer the same to others?
wouldn't i want Him to offer that to others?

if i wanted to address my hypocrisy i would want that.
if i wanted to address my want i would want that too.

tsk......save me from myself Lord.

Lamentations

Lent.
40 days of preparing for Easter
Lame.
A paralyzed person
Rant.
Bitching uncontrollably

Lent. Lame. Rant = Lamentations
at least in my book it does

Lent begins right before Spring.
And Spring makes me angry.

It's cold, wet and damp.
A kind of damp that makes it's way into my bones
and makes me feel miserable.

Soon as the thaw starts, enormous snow piles
turn into slush and puddles.
Everything is melting and running and liquefied.
The ground is still frozen so it absorbs none of this
melting snow which turns into run off
which turns in to standing water
which turns in to ice when the temperature plunges
back down into the 20 degree range over night.

Winter boots are made to keep out snow not slush.
ie; They leak when you step in piles of it.

Gym shoes, tennis shoes, sneakers...
whatever you want to call them
are not any better in this weather.
They're not water proof either.

My feet feel smothered in winter boots
yet it's too cold for sandals or flip flops.

I feel like I'm suffocating in long sleeves
yet tank tops are still a little too light to wear.

I'm sick unto death of the heavy
roasted, baked meals we eat up here
in the northern mid-west all winter long.
And the outdoor grill is still buried under
80 some odd inches of the frozen white stuff.

Spring rains haven't started yet
So all of the salt, sand and grit
left on our streets, driveways and sidewalks
is still making it treacherous to walk outside.
If you don't slip on ice or snow,
you will slip and skid on sand and salt.

Spring is 10 days away.
I dread it and yet I hope for it.
More so after this Winter in which we have had
a record amount of snow fall.

The grass that shows thru the melted snow is not yet green.
The trees do not show any sign of budding.
No Robins have returned.

They're predicting that another 1 to 3 inches of snow
is possible for tomorrow night.
And that fills me with dread.
Will Winter never release its grip on us?

We lost that hour of sleep on Saturday night
due to Daylight Savings Time
which makes me feel tired and out of sorts.

I'm roasting in my house with the thermostat
set at 65 degrees
while the sun shines in my windows.

It's wet and mucky and ugly outside.
The left over snow is brown and dirty
and melting in to puddles of slush.

I'm sick of eating heavy foods and winter coats.
I'm done with the cold weather.
I want Spring.
I want rain.
I want to work outside in my garden.
I want to take my grand babies for a walk around the block.
I want open windows and fresh air.

And I want to stop being ungrateful.
I bitch about heavy winter foods...
Do I wonder who hasn't eatin today??

Why is my thinking so warped and paralyzed?
Why do I constantly think of me, myself and I?

I want, I need, I'm sick of.....

Sorry Lord...I always forget.

***********************************

Oh God, gather me now to be with you as you are with me.

Soothe my tiredness;

quiet my fretfulness;

curb my aimlessness;
relieve my complusiveness;
let me be easy for a moment.

O Lord, release me
from the fears and guilts which grip me so tightly;
from the expectations and opinions which I so tightly grip,
that I may be open
to receiving what you give,
to risking something genuinely new,
to learning something refreshingly different.

Forgive me
for claiming so much for myself
that I leave no room for gratitude;
for confusing exercises in self-importance
with acceptance of self-worth;
for complaining so much of my burdens
that I become a burden;
for competing against others so insidiously
that I stifle celebrating them
and receiving your blessing through their gifts.

O God, gather me to be with you as you are with me.

Amen.     

Ted Loder, Guerillas of Grace