2011

It's been a long year. And it's been a year with a lot of changes for me. Learning to detatch from my significant other and what is essentially his business has not been easy for me, but it has been worth it. I feel less tension in our house, more at ease in my own skin too. I have to wonder if this is from working the steps or my ever increasing faith in God. Who cares!! Either way I'll take it and either way I win. I am sooo grateful for the 12 steps and what they are teaching me. I am also grateful that I have God in my life. They are literally saving my sanity; one meeting, one day, one prayer at a time. I truly feel so blessed! I have good friends, my family, my health, my bible study, my 12 step meeting....my gratitude list could go on and on. Everyday I find something new to be grateful and thankful for. Every single day I realize that I have been learning lessons all along and that I have been given blessings galore. So here we go.......out with the old and in with the new. Goodbye 2011.............Hello 2012!!   I cannot wait to see what the new year has in store for me!

I just got bit by the Christmas spirit! All of a sudden I want my house to be clean and sparkling, and I want all of the presents bought and wrapped. I want to go shopping for the perfect Christmas dinner, I want the dining table to look festive, I want to feel merry and bright and I want it to snow. I can feel myself revving up, trying to do too much,wish for too much, just like I always do. And it makes me cranky and unhappy if "things" don't work out exactly as I would like it to. So this year, I will put on the brakes, right now, and remember the slogans.....First things first. Easy does it. How important is it. Keep it simple.
Truly, these slogans will get me through the holidays better than anything I can buy, wrap, dream up or want. And that is, for me, a true blessing in disguise. A lesson learned here.

Grateful

A friend of mine was just diagnosed with MS. MS of all things! And in the background, I can here my qualifier stating out loud that he hates having to warm up his car in the winter. Really?!?! I wish that I could make him feel gratitude for just being alive. To stop complaining for just a heart beat to really look at his life and to realize that he has soo much to be grateful for.
I haven't posted in a while because I was under the suspicion that he was reading these posts thru my Email account and I got scared. But then I thought...so what if he is reading these posts? What does that mean? Why does that scare me? And I'll tell you why. Because telling the truth has always gotten me in trouble. From when I was young and my mom used to say that if I told the truth that I wouldn't be in trouble only to be punished for telling the truth,  to my 30 year marriage to an alcoholic who gets angry when I tell him the truth because he doesn't really want to hear the truth anyhow....Ok, enough of me taking his inventory.
 I decided that I don't want to be afraid of the truth anymore. So I am gonna post what I need to post so I can benefit from it. And if he reads it, maybe he is supposed to be reading it. I just wish that he could realize that he does indeed have so much to be grateful for and not having MS could be the one thing he is grateful for today.

Thankful

I have much to be thankful for today. Oh, there are the usual things that everybody is thankful for; family, friends, health, home, and whatnot. But this year I also get to be thankful for my home group (Thank you, Ladies...11 months and counting!) his sobriety (not recovery, but I'll take sobriety and be grateful for that) my own search for serenity and my ever increasing gratitude for my faith. I am grateful for the things He is showing me. Things I haven't seen  in a long, long time. The beauty in a sunset, that swelling heart, bursting joy feeling that I get while watching my two year old grandson do anything, the lovely solitude of a gray rainy November day, the humble feeling I get when I am on my knees in the garden or in prayer....
God truly is amazing and I am sooo thankful that He is in my life. I am thankful for worship music, my sisters strength and support, Pastor Eric who renews my soul every single Sunday, the list could go on and on.
Simple stated....Thank you God. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For everything.

HALT

H.A.L.T. is the method I used to quit smoking. Each letter stands for a word, only in my case, I made each letter stand for two words.
H= Honestly Hungry
A=Angry or Anxious
L= Lazy or Lonely
T= Tired or Thirsty
Anyone of these choices is what I used to stop my craving for a cigarette. Was I honestly hungry? Or was I just wanting to stuff my face cuz I couldn't smoke? I would ask myself one of these questions any time the urge to smoke came up. Was I lazy? Lonely? Anxious? I noticed that more often than not, I was just thirsty or tired. I have also noticed that when I am tired, my tolerance for anything irritating goes out the window. Not sleeping well these last two days has me on edge. My husband has Sleep Apnea and has not been using his C-PAP machine the way he is supposed to. Needless to say, that is the reason I haven't been sleeping. I spent the last two nights trying to sleep on the couch. I never knew our couch was sooo uncomfortable. It always feels so cozy when I lay on it in the afternoon. Wonder why it feels so different at night. Hmmm????
Because I am tired, I have been short tempered with him. I need to apologize for being cranky, but he also needs to use that damn machine, so I don't get crabby! I am too irritated and too tired to really care if there is a lesson or a blessing  that I am supposed to notice. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight.

Are my blog posts too short? Or do I just not have that much to say??  I tell myself that I do have a lot to say, but sometimes it is hard to express myself. The words are in my head, just can't figure out how to get them onto the page. I read other blogs and the writers are so eloquent with their words. It amazes me how smoothly they write down their thoughts. I wish I was as descriptive as they are. My hand written journal is some pretty good reading, I think, but is way too personal to put on this blog page. Maybe that is the difference I notice. I feel too afraid to let it all hang out so to speak on my blog page. I'll keep this in mind as I develop my blogging skills and I'll try to put more of myself into my blog.
 Another short post.....sheesh! Maybe I need a lesson in blogging. Wouldn't that be a blessing??

Gray Monday

My sisters Mother-in-law died last week. The same day as Eric. Two hours after Eric to be precise. It's been a rough couple of days. I was taken back when I  realized that it had been 4 days since my last blog post. I truly didn't realize that the days were moving by so quickly. At the time, it felt like time itself  was crawling. Death, grief and funerals usually do make it seem as if time stands still while at the same time flying by in an instant. My brother -in-law is sad, and just wants his Mom back. She was 86 years old and had lived a really full, fun life. Guess it just goes to show me that there  never  seems to be enough time to be with the people that you love. And that is a life lesson and a blessing!

Only God knows why

Today I am going to the memorial service for my friend that commited suicide. It seems appropriate to me that the day is gray and rainy...as if even the heavens are sad and crying. I feel sooo bad for his Momma. She is not dealing with this very well, which is understandable. I keep imagining what it was like for her when he was a small boy and how it made her feel to  look at her little boy while he was sleeping or playing or riding his bike. Remembering his first tooth, his first word, his favorite food. That feeling you get, like your heart is gonna burst, cuz you love that baby of yours sooo much that it hurts. How does she go on now that he is gone? How does she begin to live again? What is the life lesson here???  Where is the blessing??? One of the things that keeps going thru my head is that one line of lyrics from the  Kid Rock song "Only God knows why". Maybe there isn't a lesson to be learned or a blessing to benefit from this situation. Maybe it is just a sad situation and God will give his Momma and the rest of us the strength to continue on with our lives. May Eric be resting in the comfort of  HIS arms, til we meet again.

Break up

A married couple that I have known for 25 years has decided to call it quits. Or rather she has decided to call it quits. He is ruined by her decision. Angry, hurting, hateful....it is very painful to watch, even from a distance, as their marriage goes up in flames. Many times my husband and I have been to that threshold, where I didn't think I could handle one more day of living with him, when even the fact that he was breathing was an irritant. I am grateful that we never took that leap. We have always been able to work it out somehow, someway. I suppose for those who decide they can no longer tolerate each other that the best thing to do would be to separate. I just wish that sides didn't have to be taken, and name calling and mud slinging weren't part of the process of breaking up. You realize that everyone involved is hurting, from friends to family. Wish there was a way for all of us to be more sympathetic...to him and to her. Change is painful but sometimes it is necessary. Think I'll go say a prayer for everyone involved in this mess. A prayer to God for healing people and attitudes. And add a prayer for myself that HE has had a hand in keeping my marriage together. Thank you Lord for favors granted.

Endings

An aquaintence of mine commited suicide this morning. He had just been released from detox a week ago. I cannot explain to you the sadness that I feel at his passing. For a life lost, for a man to have felt so sad and helpless that he saw no other way out. My heart bleeds for the family he left behind, for the friends who didn't know how to help him. He was such a nice guy. I will miss seeing him. Trying to figure out if this is  a lesson for me or a blessing for him. My lesson??  Be kind to everyone. People hurt deep down inside even people who you think are handling life ok. A blessing for him??  He no longer hurts....and he is finally home.

Beginnings

I am new to the "blogosphere". I'm excited to give it a try. I need to try new things, to push myself to learn new things. The status quo no longer feels comfy to me. God is leading me somewhere new and I can't wait to find out where that is and what that entails! Everything that happens to us  in life is either a lesson to learn something from or a blessing given to us from God above. It's been interesting lately trying to figure out what it is that is happening to my life. Lessons or Blessings?? Hopefully this blog will help me find the answers to that question.
For today....I learned how to set up a blog and that is both a lesson and a blessing!