September

Sweaty McSweaterson here...
Just dropping you a line to let you know that it is hot and humid here in Illinois.
Humidity will be the death of me, I just know it.
Can I person actually die from the humidity??
I can hardly stand it.
I do nothing but perspire all day.
When I open the front door it greets me like a heavy metal slab.
It makes me cranky and short tempered.
Uh.....ahem....
So.
That is not at all what I had planned to write about.
Strange isn't it, what happens when you sit down to write.
I think to myself that I will write about DJT and the state of our world,
And then I end up writing about being angry and sweaty.
Well I suppose there could be a weird correlation there somewhere-
angry and sweaty... haha.

It's late September and the leaves are starting to fall and become crunchy underfoot.
The heat and humidity are relentless. It is cooler at night but I myself feel no relief whatsoever.
Our A/C is still cranked up high.
The grandkids shiver and wrap tiny blankets around their shoulders as they eat breakfast.

With the kids back in school it is much quieter of course.
The silence hums in my home.
Jesus still remains absent and silent over here.
No glimpse of a winged bird or gently falling leaf can thrill me.
Cloud patterns are just that...clouds or patterns. You choose.

I'm not frightened by His silence, just curious. Why did He leave?
I wonder where He has gone and who He is saving now.
And I wonder if they know He is by their side, if they can feel Him like I did.
I miss that ether of His so damn much. I miss hearing His voice.
I miss the small little miracles that He kept trying to show me every day.

I'm ok though, really. I can wait til He comes back again. Because He always does.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

When the dust settles

It'd been years since I opened it. My study Bible.
This particular version was called the Mother's Bible and while it reads like any normal  KJV  Bible, there are little anecdotes tucked in here and there to give us poor mother's a lift, so to speak.
I'd put it into my Bible study tote bag more than two years ago and hadn't touched it since.
When I pulled it out of the tote, I was genuinely surprised to see such a thick coating of dust. I couldn't even blow it off...I tried.
How long had it been since I'd used it? I wondered. I honestly couldn't recall.
Now, mind you, I have other versions of the Bible (with The Message being my favorite), but I quickly realized that I hadn't opened any of them either.
Not in a really long time.

It was my most highlighted Bible, the one I used to read religiously (no pun intended) everyday.
It's the Bible that I used to Keep Me In The Word, you know, like-
"All I need is Coffee and Jesus".
It was the Bible I used when I  needed a scripture that resonated with me, then I would go outside  with my camera and find something in nature that resonated the same way.
I thought that was going to be my calling, the thing that was going to save me and give me purpose.
Making framed photo art with a lovely piece of scripture imprinted across the bottom.
I made a few pieces then quit.
It was harder than it looked and I didn't have the right printer to make it look professional.

God used to show Himself to me all the time through nature.
He was everywhere and I saw Him and/or His essence everywhere I looked.
I couldn't not see Him or hear Him or sense Him. Everything about me was attuned to Him.

The breeze became His caress against my face. The rain His tears. Singing birds were His voice.
The colors in the sunrise He put there just for me. The scent of flowers and Pine trees and strawberries became His cologne.
I watched Bees washing their antenna in my birdbath and knew He had told them to show me this. Look!
Cloud patterns became the way He communicated to me.
All I had to do was look up.
I saw Him in my newborn grandchildrens eyes. I smelled him in the fur at my dogs neck.
I could taste Him in a ripe juicy Pear or a perfectly grilled steak.
I gave Him thanks and praise for soap bubbles in my sink and the electricity flowing through the wires of my house. I've written down in journals countless things that I am grateful for.
I went to church every Sunday and listened raptly as our pastor told story after story about the goodness of Jesus H. Christ and the life I deserved as His follower.
Worship music became the only thing I listened to and all of the lyrics seemed directed towards me.
I stood in church with my hands raised to the heavens, waiting for Gods love to rain down on me.
Until I realized that the humming was gone and it was silent. Until He stopped showing up.
I can't say when or where but I have noticed that His particular brand of ether isn't in the air that surrounds me anymore. I no longer sense Him near by.
I still smell flowers and pine trees and strawberries, I still see bees happily buzzing around my gardens with their legs full of pollen, and ripe pears and grilled steak are still quite tasty.
But the hum of Him in my veins is gone and  miss it. I miss Him.

In Alanon they call this kind of phenomenon Falling Off The Pink Cloud.

Last week I dusted off that Bible after my sister and I decided to restart our
Thursday morning Bible Study. Her and I are going to try Coffee and Jesus again.
I'm hoping that getting back into "The Word" will help me find that ether that I miss so much.
I'm not putting any pressure on myself though, or Him either for that matter.
If there's one thing I know about Jesus is that He shows up when He shows up.
And it's always at the exact right time.
Here's hoping that all of you are doing well.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly


P.S. I hate that mutherfuker DJT and I think Jesus does too. Sorry not sorry.

Let it rain

As I type this, it is pouring rain outside.
It's gray and windy and looks like a true Fall day and yet it is still August.
I am drinking my fourth cup of coffee and polishing off an entire container of Donut holes.
Grandkids are in school for a few more hours yet.
I've done 4 loads of laundry, grocery shopped for dinner and not much else,
except for that coffee and donut thing.
But what else is there to do on a rainy gray Monday?
These types of days make me want to cozy down with a good book.
Wish I had one.
Anybody got a suggestion for a good book?
And it's too damn humid to cozy down with anything or anybody here in the Midwest.

Let's play Twenty Questions- My answers are in red.

Did you play in the rain as a kid? I did and in my bare feet too. My mother told me to stay out of the puddles that developed the green algae. She said it would cause Polio. Good Lord....

Does it make your hair frizz? Ha! Nope. Limp limp limp. Limpidity limp limp.

Does it piss you off? Depends on if I'm in a hurry. Cool you down? Yes! 

Make you sleepy? My god, Yes! Nothing I like better than napping on rainy days.

Does the smell of rain make you dream of what heaven might smell like someday? Yes

Do you wear a slicker? Sometimes.

Do you don a pair of cute rain boots as you run your errands? Yep. Mine are black and purple plaid.

Do you dash to your car? Yes. Or saunter down the sidewalk while the rain baptizes you? Puhleeze

Do you light candles? Turn on lamps? Or sit in the gloaming of the darkened house?
All three. Depends on my mood. Today the candles are lit and I am listening to Ludivico Einauldi.

Do you open the windows to let in the smell and the breeze or are they shut tight?
Both. It also depends on how hard it is raining.

Would it make you nuts to live in a place where it rained more than average...
like Seattle?
I honestly don't know. I love the rain but every single day??? Hmmmm

Do you have a favorite song about rain?   Yes.  Seal- I Can't Stand the Rain

Does the rain make you happy or sad? It makes me happy.

Is your local weathermen wrong about the weather forecast more often than they are right? 
Mine is. Sheesh. And that aggravates me.

Does your house leak when it rains? Sometimes our fieldstone basement leaks when it rains. 


What do you like to do when it rains? I'd love to know more about you.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

August

School starts next week.
I promise I'll come back with a blog post sometime next week.
I've missed reading and blogging with you ladies.
Hope everyone is doing well.

Love, Lolly

Missed opportunities

I compose great blog posts in my head. I really do.
And then I convince myself that I'll remember every word later
when it comes to writing it down.
Have you noticed that I haven't written a blog post since April?
I suppose the correct thing to say would be I haven't TYPED a
blog post since April.
And there are too many posts in my head to remember all I wanted to say.
So I will sum up my life for the last 2 months with bullet points.
Here we go:

• I like Yoga when I can lay flat on the mat with my eyes closed.
• I learned that that is called meditation.
• I love the way my gardens look; full and thriving from ALL.THIS. RAIN.
• I like finding new plants to mix with my already existing plants. It thrills me to reaarange here, pull a weed or two there.
• I built a brick bird bath pedestal all by myself. And then...
• I learned that my 56 year old back cannot garden and haul bricks around like it used to.
• I learned that the back support brace that my chiropractor prescribed for me cost my insurance carrier $650. What the heck!
• I realize that I am blessed and lucky and privileged to have said insurance carrier.
• My anxiety /depression is completely under control and I feel like my old self again.
• I realize that I have missed my old self. And I am glad that she is back.
• I got my first Summer pedicure done by the sweetest little Asian woman who barely spoke English. It was hard to communicate with her, so when it came time to pay her, I grabbed her tiny, delicate grandma hands. It startled her and she looked up at me. That is when I said thank you while I warmly held her hands with my own. She smiled..huge. And I smiled back.
• I like that being kind and smiling are a universal language that we can all understand.

• My husband retires in 3 short years. I cannot wait to hit the road in our RV with our dog.
• Remind me of this 3 years from now when he is aggravating the shit outta me.
• The grandkids are off of school til August. They are bored, hungry and filled with energy.
• Two weeks before school ended my grandson tripped at school and crashed into a cyclone fence pole. His glasses gashed his nose and the post hit his forehead which broke his fall. 
• The resulting bruise was the size of a chicken egg and the gash on his nose took off too much skin, so they could not stitch it closed. Scarred for life already at 10 years old.
• My 6 year old granddaughter nearly drowned last week. She'd been at the beach with her mom and brother and walked out too far and couldn't get back. It's one of those things where mom looked away for a minute and that was all it took. My daughter found my granddaughter face down, floating six inches below the surface at the 5 foot buoy line. She was limp and when she turned her over her eyes were rolled back in her head. She threw her over her shoulder in a fireman carry and gotten her  back to shore when my granddaughter made a loud retching sound and came to. My daughter fell to her knees at the base of the lifeguard stand, looked up at the lifeguard and screamed FUCKING HELP ME SHE ALMOST DROWNED!!  To which the lifeguard responded with a blink. A FUCKING BLINK!!  So my daughter picked up my granddaughter and ran through the sand to the main office where they took her pulse, told her she was fine and gave her a popsicle. 
• Needless to say, my granddaughter took a ride in an ambulance and then spent the next 8 hours in the ER being observed for Secondary Drowning. Scary, awful, life altering stuff right there.
• She is fine, no after effects. I can't yet say the same for my daughter. She keeps reliving the moment when she found her. And yet there is more to this story.
• My daughter was sitting on the beach not 4 feet away from where the kids were playing in the sand. She was looking down (not at her phone) when she felt a nudging..a prompting to look up. Had she not looked up at that moment this would be an entirely different post. But she did. And I know in my heart who it was that nudged her to look up. I know Jesus was there that day and He saved my granddaughter and in essence, He saved the rest of us too. Eventually He will get around to letting my daughter know that this wasn't her fault. 
• Time heals a lot. 
• So does Jesus. Amen? 

I follow all of you on Facebook or Instagram. I read your posts when you put them up. I look at and comment on your pictures when they show up in my Instagram feed. I feel like you ladies are part of my tribe and I would just like to say thank you for all of the love and support over these last few years. 

It truly means the world to me.

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

Heart and Soul

Ok. It's been a while since I posted.
There is something that I have noticed about my blog writing.
I write better when I am filled with anxiety. Or mad. Or sad. Or pissed off.
So I guess you could say that when I don't post here things are going well.
And they are with a few exceptions.

In the last two weeks we have had 2 separate late season snow storms.
Each storm dumped 8 inches of snow on our little corner of the world.
It wasn't awful, but my heart and soul are very weary of the whiteness outside.
Winter seems to have lasted a very long time this year.

We celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary by buying ourselves an RV.
It's a Toy Hauler, which means we can drive the Harley right up a built in ramp in the back, tie it down and secure it in the "living area", and then when we get to our destination, we will back the Harley down the ramp and then the Toy Hauler becomes our little home away from home.
It's got a queen bed, a shower and a little tiny tub and toilet, oven/stove, microwave, cupboards, couch, table, all the creature comforts of home.
We've had fun, him and I, buying all the necessary equipment and supplies we will need to take with us when we hit the road.
He retires in 3 years and we hope to travel around these here United States in our RV with our Harley and our little dog.
Now this man has aggravated me more often than not these past 36 years and let me tell you...
When he started talking about retirement I thought to myself 
"Girlfriend you are gonna kill him."
He likes to talks a lot in the morning. About nothing.
Especially to me, especially when I am reading my devotions and praying and having my Jesus time.
I am really glad when he leaves for work in the morning so I can settle back down and concentrate.
But retirement means him sitting next to me with his coffee, blathering on about whatever, every single solitary day.
It is distracting to me.
I love this man, heart and soul but I dislike his talking just for the sake of talking, just to fill in the silence. I find peace and pleasure in the silence.
Now I get the irony of this situation...I do. It's not very nice to be thinking mean things and wanting him to shut up when I've got Jesus on the line, ya know??
"Listen Pal! For the love of God, I'm talking to Jesus, STOP bothering me!!"
We are going to have to work something out in the close confines of this trailer.
But the thought of him and I being able to travel together is feeling pretty good right now.
And the thought of him retiring is not as repugnant to me as I once thought.
See?? Jesus does answer prayer. (Thank You Jesus for favors granted.)

The one other exception to my happiness lately would be the little 5 year old boy named A.J. Freund.
You may have seen it on the news. His drug addicted parents beat him to death, buried him in a shallow grave then waited 3 days to call the cops and report him as a missing child.
It is and has been heartbreaking to hear the 911 call, to see the mother "crying" on TV, to  be told of the condition of the house they lived in and the fact that they have had Child Protective Services involved with this family for the last 5 years and multiple police calls to the house for theft and battery and drugs.
This house is 2 blocks behind my own house.
These two adults who used to be his parents went on TV and begged him to come home, the mother even went on Good Morning America to beg his return, all the while KNOWING that he was already dead and buried, ALREADY KNOWING that she had beaten him to death 4 days prior.
My mind cannot comprehend this sort of behavior.
I went to high school with the dad. He was crowned Homecoming King.
He was the popular kid. He became a lawyer.
What in the actual hell happens to people that they can change so drastically?
Drugs, yes, but was there no time when, as they were punching him in his head as they held him down in an ice cold shower that neither of them thought to themselves....
"Wait. STOP! What are we DOING right now?!?
I am truly heartsick over this. Our whole town is heart broken.
We all searched for that boy.
I checked my backyard for him and yes, I even checked my garbage cans for him when the truth finally came out that they were now just looking for a body.
My hope is that Jesus was with that baby (and I know He was) and that perhaps Jesus stepped in and took that boys spirit moments before they landed the final blow.
I didn't know this boy but my heart and soul ache for him nonetheless.
And if I'm truthful, my heart aches for his parents too because I believe one day
they will realize just what it is they have done and no amount of crying or jail time or rehab is going to be able to fix it.
May Jesus have mercy on their souls.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

A Breath Prayer

To breathe

To simply be

To be aware of your presence

To make time to Be Still

To make time to worship and adore

For the gifts of your Love

For the gifts of your Grace

For your presence in our lives

For you, O Lord, I give you thanks

In your mercy, hear this humble prayer

Dona Nobis Pacem et in Terra

Grant Us Peace on Earth

~Pastor Michael Moore's blog

40 days and nights

With the exception of a few hours here and there, I have been off social media since I last posted.
I have been sick since my last post, February 21st.
I ain't never, in my whole life, ever been sick for 41 days in a row.
This virus was a muther@#$%*!
Pardon my french.

Want to know the details?
I'm sure you do.
Headache, double ear infection, coughing, shortness of breath, sore throat, body aches, exhaustion,
bronchitis, sinus infection, ringing ears, hearing loss, hoarse voice, dizziness and guilt.

I went grocery shopping one day, came home, put the groceries away and needed to take a nap for two hours. It literally wore me out.
I slept the day away almost every day. My head would start nodding around 10:00am.
I'd set an alarm clock so I would wake up in time to get the grandkids from school at 3:00pm.
They'd watch cartoons after school and I would doze on the couch.
I ate homemade chicken soup, drank green tea, took Elderberry syrup, drank vitamin C drinks,
put Thieves essential oil in my diffuser and on my feet, took long hot showers, napped when I could.

But it has been a very long end to winter this year and I sincerely hope that I am never ever
that sick again.

Gotta run. I am making another couple of batches of chicken soup since I depleted our entire supply
that we keep in the deep freezer.
Hope you are all doing well.
Happy Spring you guys!!

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

A sacred space

I spoke with a Spiritual Director last week. Her name is Alexis.
I had signed up to attend her workshop titled Sacred Spaces.
Sacred Spaces is about letting yourself experience God in new and different ways.
It's also about learning to find God in the mundane and ordinary lives we all lead.

There were different stations set up around the room.
At each station there were instructions to read or pictures to look at or music to listen to and finally a Youtube video to watch.
Also paper and pens were provided to write down any notes or thoughts or feelings or answers.
These were the names of the individual stations-

* Praying through Images
* Lectio Divina
* The Daily Examen
* Soul Assessment

We were given one hour to complete all stations and then were told we would discuss what we learned about ourselves when everyone was finished.
I finished early so I walked over to Alexis and asked her if I could discuss something with her.

I asked her was she a counselor. She replied "No. I am a Spiritual Director" and I felt a tingle go up my spine. I had wanted to find a Spiritual Director but didn't know where to look or what they would cost. (Pretty sure my insurance won't cover that.)
So then I asked her if I could share with her a problem I've been having lately and she said Yes.

I told her about my history of anxiety and depression. I told her about finally being prescribed medication and I told her how good I've been feeling too, no anxiety or sadness.
But what I also told her was that I was having a lot of difficulty with praying now because the worrying had stopped. I'd noticed that my brain was so much calmer and I didn't feel the need to reach out in anxiety fueled prayer anymore. How do you pray when you're not worried?

For years the anxiety drove me to my knees. It drove me crazy and it made me worry incessantly about stuff I had no business worrying about. And every single morning I would greet the day with a prayer on my lips and an anxious pounding heart and I would head straight to my chair and read devotional after devotional after devotional. I would write in my gratitude journal all the things I was grateful for. I would get out my prayer calendar with it's daily prompt suggestion, quickly rattle off that prayer suggestion to God and then I would start to pray for the people I know who needed extra prayer-
My friend Amy who is still battling colon cancer, my son to find Jesus and possibly a girlfriend too if Jesus wasn't too busy...my husband and his job, my crabby ass sister, my children and grandchildren.
But the one thing I never did was Let Go of any of the anxiety or worry that plagued me.
I carried it with me everywhere.
It wasn't until my medication shut off that part of my brain that I realized I wasn't really praying for my friends and family everyday.  It was more like I was begging Jesus not to take them away.
My anxiety and depression kept driving me in to the arms of Jesus but I never allowed Him take it from me. It was as if I was saying-
 "Here God, You handle this, I'm afraid but I'll just keep pestering you and repeatedly begging you to keep handling it. Are You still handling this Jesus? Want I should keep begging You for favors? Cuz I'm still afraid."

So Alexis tells me this-
Sit in your morning chair. Invite Jesus in. Let Him hold you- imagine His arms enfolding you in the quiet and the stillness of the morning. Sit with Him. Just sit with Him in the silence.
Imagine that you are now in a new season of your life. Actively look at it.
Engage with Jesus in it.
Maybe He is trying to tell you that it's time for you to move on from the distraction of the anxiety, that a calmer way, a calmer path exists for you now.
She asks me what Bible verse did I read and what did I write at the Lectio Divina station and here is what I had read and written down BEFORE I had even spoken with Alexis-
God goes before me and follows after me whether I see it or not... in response to Exodus 13:17-22.

She then asked what image I had chosen for the Praying through Images station.
I had selected a picture of fog with trees fading away in the distance to nothing but white.
And again she asks me what did I write in response to that prompt.
My answer?
The fog and trees are on an unknown road that leads to?  Where?? The picture fades away. 
It is silent here and calming and there is no noise. There is an emptiness here but there is beauty in that silence.

In my brain I think to myself that truer words were never spoken. Or written.
There is  indeed something wonderful and calming about the stillness I encounter now.
There is somehow, something healing in the silence.
With her suggestions I believe that perhaps I could quiet myself and just let the words come, that praying, for me, from now on doesn't mean begging for what I want or keeping my fists clenched while pleading with God to do what I keep telling Him to do.
Perhaps praying could now be me sitting silently in my chair and letting God speak to me.
How marvelous will that be? I can hardly wait to try it.

God, still my noisy heart,
Quiet my wandering thoughts.
Help me to sit in this moment,
Let go of my distractedness,
And learn from my inner chaos,
To create within me a place of prayer.
~Christine Sine

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

A snuggly warm raisin

I am getting sick. No big deal. Just a Rhinovirus or something of the sort.
My Chiropractor suggested that I keep myself overly warm by wearing a hoodie
and sweats and then wrapping myself in a warm blanket and sweating this virus out.
I could die of heat stroke just thinking about doing that.
But I told my sister I was going to try this "Sweat It Out" thingy and then told her
if I don't show up to church on Sunday to come and find me.
I'll be the dried up raisin she finds on my couch under the blanket.

I detest being warm or overly warm or hot. Not sure how long I am going to last
snuggled under a blanket while wearing sweats and a hoodie. Yikes.
I am going to make Medicine Soup for myself first before I dive under those covers.

Medicine Soup is bone broth and vegies and garlic and lemon all simmered together.
I jokingly tell my family that my Medicine Soup can grow back a  severed limb.
Let's see if it can plump me back up once I dehydrate myself under those covers.

I'll check back in with y'all later. Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

A quick post for February

Happy February!
It's still the dead of Winter around these parts with blowing wind, snow and ice and below freezing temperatures.
Tonight we are supposed to get 3-5 inches of snow and maybe 1/4 inch of ice on top of that.
The snow and cold doesn't bother me as much as the ice does.
Nothing a body can do about ice but wait for it to thaw.
But as long as my people are all home safe and sound I don't really care what the weather does.


I've started job searching cuz I'm feeling good but also cuz I'm feeling bored at home. I am only looking for part time work during the day so that does limit my options a bit. I'll keep searching though.


Hey Birdie! How's that new job going? I miss you and I miss reading your posts.

Hi Annette! How's grandmotherhood? When is the next grandchild due?

Hello Linda! Are you feeling better yet? How's it going with your Boy Scout?

Hi Julie! Are you staying warm up there? Our weather has been almost the same as yours. I just read your latest blog post. Thank you for sharing bits of your life with the blogging world.


How pathetic is this post, huh?
I don't have much to write about at the moment but I felt like I wanted to connect with you guys.

I hope everyone is doing well.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

End of January post

It's been a while so I'm checking in with you all.
The Prozac is working like a miracle drug and that pisses me off.
(Of course it does, did you think it wouldn't?)
It pisses me off because I was so dead set against taking it.
Prozac??? That's for people who are depressed.
Well...duh.
I swear to you that I did not know that I was depressed.
Looking back I can see it in my hindsight.
But I don't want to look back anymore.
I like feeling happy and I'm ok with myself and the world around me.

But I'm not ok with that floss haired nincompoop in charge of our country.
I pray that Robert Mueller has enough evidence against him to convict
and get him impeached.
Then the real work will start..trying to put this country back together again.
I hope we can all rebuild our tolerance and our kindness towards our fellow human beings.

We've got brutal cold temperatures heading our way for the remainder
of this week. Tomorrow it will be -13 with a windchill of -30.
School is cancelled until Friday and a lot of businesses are closed tomorrow too.
Monday it snowed 6 inches and Friday we are expecting more snow.
The weatherman is predicting 40 degrees and rain on Saturday.
What a wild weather week we are having.

That's all I've got for now.
It seems like all of us have slowed down on the blogging front.
I sure do miss you guys. Somebody post something!!

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

The hum in my veins

My name is Lolly and apparently I suffer from Anxiety and Depression.
I knew about the anxiety part.
Anxiety has controlled me for years, even though I tried to hide it and deny it.
But the depression was a total surprise. I truly didn't know.
And I didn't know that I didn't know, ya know?
I would have never said I was depressed. I didn't "feel" depressed but I must have looked like it.
Tired, worn, sluggish, dry sallow skin, little sense of humor, agitated about little stuff, furious about things that should have been little bumps in the road.
I spent my days isolated, alone and lonely.
Unable to get my brain to shut off, unable to sleep, unable to think clearly or make decisions.
Always feeling that sense of doom hovering just beyond the horizon.
Most days if felt like I had high octane fuel coursing through my veins
and it made me run high, hot and hard, always pushing and striving to do more.
I fell into bed at night exhausted from my daily chore list and found myself unable to rest or sleep.
I'd toss and turn for hours. My brain would play tricks on me and keep me guessing and afraid.
I'd lay there and worry about catastrophic illnesses stealing my grandchildren away from me.
I'd worry about my own sanity...at times it felt like I was losing my mind.
Maybe I had the dreaded catastrophic disease myself...brain cancer or Lou Gehrig's disease, maybe a biological brain wasting disorder.
All I knew was that I wasn't in my right mind and I felt crazy and was too embarrassed and too afraid to tell anybody how I truly felt.
I'd lay there and worry and watch the clock tick away the minutes of the long dark night.
By morning, in my depleted state, my day would begin again, fueled by coffee and fear.
I'd Google a few symptoms, you know, just to put my mind at ease.
But it only fueled my fear...like pouring gasoline on a fire.
When the blood pressure issues started I was sure it was being caused by a brain tumor
or perhaps even an impending stroke and my anxiety ratcheted up several notches.
Did I have symptoms of a brain tumor or stroke? No. But that didn't matter.
My brain told me to worry about it anyway.
Ten days before Christmas I saw my Dr. for the blood pressure issues. I told her about the anxiety keeping me from sleeping and asked for a refill of my klonopin.
She said ok on one condition, and that was that I start taking anti-anxiety medication.
I wrung my hands, I stuttered, I hemmed and hawed.
I was filled with horror and dread.
Psych meds....great. I am officially crazy. Anxiety flooded every part of my being.
I agreed to try the medication but I knew in all honestly that I wasn't really going to take it.
I knew I was going to Google the side effects of this medication and I knew that that would be my reasoning for not taking it, even before I bought it.
I looked up other more natural ways to cope with panic and anxiety and found an article on low Serotonin levels.  Great! I'll just build up my Serotonin level naturally with food and sunshine.
Or...
Or I could just take the prescribed medicine and see if it helps me.
I don't know what was the deciding factor but I did start taking that medicine.
After the first week I noticed that my mind was quieter.
After the second week I noticed that I was sleeping better even without using the klonopin.
The third week I found myself smiling and feeling happy inside and it was a foreign feeling.
How long had I been down I wondered?
How long had I actually been depressed and I hadn't known?
The fourth week I noticed that I was still alone all day but I wasn't lonely nor did I feel isolated.
Today is the start of the fifth week. And I feel normal...whatever normal means.
I'm not nervous or anxious. I'm not dreading anything. I'm not sluggish nor do I feel drugged.
I feel regular. I am happy. I am grateful. I am blessed. I am not tired or wired. Or mad or sad.
No anxiety, no side effects, no brain tumor, no fear.
I feel life humming through my veins and I am not frightened of a thing.
Glory be! but it's been a long time coming.  A girl could get used to this. Hallelujah and Amen.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly