Looking for signs

 

Are you the star in the midnight sky that I've been staring at?

Are you the Cardinal on the neighbors roof that sings in the morning?

Are you the Mourning Dove that coos from the high wire in front of our house?

Did you send that red leaf that floated down right in front of me from the tree out front?

Was it you who left that Hawk feather in the front yard?

I saw a Catfish with bright blue eyes...looking right at me...was that you?

Are  you in the rain that patters against the bedroom window at night?

You are everywhere and Nowhere all at the same time.

I long to hear your voice and it scares me knowing that I will never hear it again.

How can I bear this loss??? 

How long does this last...this...this yearning?

This searching...this dreaming...this wanting....

I keep looking for signs but I never find....You.

July 2023

I gave the riding lawn mower away. It hadn't worked in over two years.

I cried when the guy came to load it on to his trailer to take it home.

He texted me later to say that he had got it running again. 

Then he thanked me for the gift of the mower. 

Him and his wife are in dire straits and I felt good about giving it to them.

Next to go is the boat. Me and the kids are getting it ready to sell. 

After that is the RV or rather the Toy Hauler. I've already cleaned it out.

The Harley stays for now, but I can imagine myself selling that in a few years too.

I've already gotten it appraised but I am just not ready to sell it yet.

**********************

His birthday is coming up. I don't remember what I/we did last year.

Grief causes me to have a lot of empty memories.

This year he would have turned 60...a mile stone year for most people.

Me and our grown kids, their spouses and our 4 grandkids are planning on going 

to the Sprint car races in Wilmot Wisconsin.

It was one of our favorite things to do as a family during the summer.

It seems appropriate to celebrate his 60th even tho he is not here.

We'll all eat a brat and have a beer in his honor.

**************************

Full moons make me cry like a banshee.

This has never happened to me before. 

But since his passing I have ugly cried at each full moon.

It's weird...I feel a "pull"  but all it does is makes me cry...really hard.

*****************

I still dream about him quite often. 

I wish that I could smell him or kiss him or hold his hand.

I wish that him and I could go on a Harley ride.

I wish we could sit around a campfire and watch natures TV.

I wish I could hear his voice.

Missing him has not gotten easier...yet.

I wonder if it ever will.

April 2023

I've bawled three separate times this week.

It is 4 months into year two and I miss him like crazy.

The house has been remodeled, updated, and cleaned.

It's cute and perfect and lonely and deathly quiet.

He is not here anymore. I cannot find him anywhere.

Cardinals, Butterflies, Spring, sunsets....nowhere.

I was so sure I'd be able to see him, hear him, find him...after.

But he is nowhere to be found. It is the same with Jesus.

The silence is deafening and there is nothing I can do about it.

I watched a Cardinal jump in to a bush followed by his mate.

It made me smile for a few seconds but then...nothing.

Remember when I used to constantly look up??? to the sky?

There used to be so much beauty, so many answers, so many spiritual signs.

Now...Nothing. No more signs. There is nothing there. He is not there.

I am devastated by grief. I am devastated by Jesus' absence.

The loneliness is crushing. 

I need to sell the RV, and that, in and of itself, is painful.

Our retirement dreams are gone. My retirement dreams are gone.

We were gonna take all 4 grandkids camping with us but we never got the chance.

The Harley sits in my brother in-laws garage, undriven, unridden, idle.

How do I sell it??? Who would I sell it to??  I don't know if I can....ever.

But the RV needs to go.

The garage is full of his tools...bits and bobs are strewn about everywhere.

The fishing poles, the tackleboxes, the quarts of oil...

His workbench in the basement is just as bad,

Cluttered with so many tools and paraphernalia...

I want nothing more than to hug him and cry in to his shoulder

and ask him to please make everything alright again.

And yet I know that THAT is also impossible,

I am still slogging through this grief and not sure of where 

the end will be.

I have no more words today.

Year two

 Shaved my legs for the first time in forever.

nobody cares if I shave anymore or not.

It sorta made me sad.

He would've run his hands up and down my smooth, oiled legs and 

hoped he had a chance at sex. lol

I'm taking my 85 year old mother for a pedicure tomorrow.

She can't reach her feet anymore due to hip problems

so I take her every six weeks to get her nails trimmed and painted.

Last time we went I forgot to shave my legs and I told the lady I was sorry.

She said it was no big deal, so I let her paint my toes despite my hairy legs.

Grief is still shit.

The silence and loneliness are  never ending.

Eating alone, sleeping alone, shopping alone.

All of it is lonelier than I ever thought possible.

I did the taxes by myself.

I've sat in the basement during tornado warnings by myself with the dog.

Peeked out the living room curtains as a snowstorm blew thru knowing I would have to shovel the driveway by myself.

I need to sell the RV and the boat and hope I get the right price

 without him being there to advise me. I'm nervous about this.

I drag the heavy garbage totes to the curb by myself.

I clean the house and pay the bills and drive around town by myself.

Other people do these things by themselves all the time.

But I'm not used to it. He did everything for me. I was spoiled and didn't know it.

Well...I knew it but I didn't know I would be alone at 58 years old and

doing everything by myself.

Sometimes his absence is the loudest thing in the room.

I miss date night at our local Rib joint. I miss someone touching me, hugging me.

I miss being kissed goodnight. 

I miss folding his clothes, cooking him dinner, camping, and 

holding hands on our walks around the block walking his dog.

No one knows our inside jokes, or the movie quotes that used to crack us up.

I miss him and everything about us that no longer is.

This is year two. And it is just as painful as year one.  Only different.

Late March 2023

 there are days when i am so lonely that i simply dont know what to do.

I miss him.

He called me Beautiful.

As in... Morning Beautiful. Thanks Beautiful. See ya later Beautiful.

When I look in the mirror I definitely don't see beautiful.

It is then that I realize that I will never again be "Beautiful" to anyone.

Grief has rendered me ugly, lonely and sad. It is a hard realization.

Yet it is the truth.

Too much wine, not enough water, extra helpings of comfort food...

Crying jags late at night, long naps during the day, all combine to

keep me from moving on to the next phase, whatever that is.

I am heading into year two of grieving his passing.

Some days are easier than others. Not sure why.

But I just wish I could to talk to him.

And it's a craving that cannot ever be fulfilled.

I wish someone would call me beautiful, again.

FINE

Learning  to redefine gratitude is like climbing a mountain.

It looms before me, larger than life, glaring at me.

It is so big that I don't know that I can do it.

I stare back not wanting to undertake this anymore.

I don't have it in me.

Gratitude left right after Jesus walked out.

That delightful pink cloud I'd been riding since 2010 

crashed and burned around 2019 and since Jesus never

showed up to save me, I had to save myself from the wreckage.

All those Bible studies and gratitude journals and prayer circles

mean nothing to me now.

The trees aren't lifting their branches up to heaven in praise.

Sunsets are just sunsets and not a gift from god.

Sometimes I think only dogs have souls because mankind seems devoid of them.

Now just to be honest here...

I have seen Jesus with my own eyes, literally sitting on my couch.

I have even heard the sound of his voice with my own ears.

I have felt him in the wind as it brushed across my face.

And there are some questions that science can't answer.

Gratitude was his gift to me, a game we played.

He would send it and then I had to find it and write it down.

And I did , everyday for 13 years.

But! One day there was nothing but silence.

A painful deafening silence like a light had been switched off.

The fact that he left without a fare thee well has broken my heart.

He was not there when my sister died.

He was not there when my husband died.

He was not there during the former guys tenure.

He is not there in the evangelical church system.

And he was not there during Covid. 

Was he???...watching millions die.

How could he have allowed that??

It's as if he jumped ship.

Like he no longer resides on this planet,

and his absence feels palpable to me.

I am grieving and lonely but I am not angry.

Too many prayers remain unanswered.

The entire world is burning and groaning

And Jesus remains silent.

I am deconstructing and I am fine with that.

If Jesus wants to find me he knows where I am.

Damn

 There are times when the sadness wells up inside me

 I feel I could drown from the weight of it on my heart

As the pressure and sorrow build it becomes hard to breath

And my eyes start to leak as a relief valve of sorts

Slowly at first and then bursting forth as if a dam has broken

There is no help for this

I simply must cry until I no longer miss you.

Solitary Goose

 I saw a solitary goose today

flying across the sky.

It was honking as it flew over my head 

and I wondered what it was lamenting about.

Geese are not solitary creatures.

They mate for life.

I wondered where was this gooses mate...why was it flying alone?

Why was it flying and crying at the same time?

And for those few seconds as I watched it soar

I understood its mournful call.

And I understood why it cried as it flew on alone.

as if

 i've learned that the body keeps the score.

it holds on to sadness and grief

no matter how had you try to move on.

as if moving on is some sort of solution

that could fix a broken heart. as if

Hold On

 

Music will save me. 

A January rant

If I'm being truthful Jesus left first.

One day he was there, and by that I mean everywhere, and the next day he was gone.

Poof. Gone.

In a puff of ether He left. And gave me no warning.

His absence was a physical thing.

I could tell He was gone.

The nothingness was palpable.

The silence was deafening.

And it confused me.

Why would Jesus leave? Why can't I see Him anymore? Why can't I feel Him?

And then my husband got cancer.

I prayed and I begged and I pleaded. All to no avail.

Jesus didn't hear me or answer any of my prayers.

My husband died a miserable, painful death,

And Jesus never showed up. Not once.

I felt no comfort. I never felt His presence. 

But I felt His absence like a stone in my shoe.

I don't know that I can get past this.

I've been struggling with this for a while.

I don't blame Jesus but I will say He did NOT help us thru this.

I feel abandoned. And I am mad as hell.

And I'm not sure how to handle this.

I feel no guilt or remorse but I do wonder...

If  Jesus really gives a shit, does He feel guilt or remorse?

If He is real, why didn't He step in and save my husband?

Why kill by cancer? 

Babies, children, sisters, brothers, parents, spouses...

It is a horrific thing...what is His excuse?

Give me a reason to believe that Jesus gives a rats ass...

give me a reason to believe that Jesus loves us and doesn't want us to suffer.

Give me proof that Jesus exists...that He's not just a figment of my imagination.

What say you???