Friday, July 13, 2018


What in the actual fuck is happening to our county

This a long read and I'm not sorry for it. 
I have copied and pasted all of this, that's why it looks so disjointed and has a tiny font.
I am feeling defeated and powerless to stop any of this.
When I showed these articles to my daughter her response was- 
"They came for the Scientists, the Doctors and the Artists first....."
Geezuz....What do I do? What can we all do to stop this madness?

HHS Plans to Delete 20 Years of Critical Medical Guidelines Next Week

Experts say the database of carefully curated medical guidelines is one of a kind, used constantly by medical professionals, and on July 16 will ‘go dark’ due to budget cuts.

The Trump Administration is planning to eliminate a vast trove of medical guidelines that for nearly 20 years has been a critical resource for doctors, researchers and others in the medical community.
Maintained by the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality [AHRQ], part of the Department of Health and Human Services, the database is known as the National Guideline Clearinghouse [NGC], and it’s scheduled to “go dark,” in the words of an official there, on July 16.
Medical guidelines like those compiled by AHRQ aren’t something laypeople spend much time thinking about, but experts like Valerie King, a professor in the Department of Family Medicine and Director of Research at the Center for Evidence-based Policy at Oregon Health & Science University, said the NGC is perhaps the most important repository of evidence-based research available.
“ was our go-to source, and there is nothing else like it in the world,” King said, referring to the URL at which the database is hosted, which the agency says receives about 200,000 visitors per month. “It is a singular resource,” King added.
Medical guidelines are best thought of as cheatsheets for the medical field, compiling the latest research in an easy-to use format. When doctors want to know when they should start insulin treatments, or how best to manage an HIV patient in unstable housing — even something as mundane as when to start an older patient on a vitamin D supplement — they look for the relevant guidelines. The documents are published by a myriad of professional and other organizations, and NGC has long been considered among the most comprehensive and reliable repositories in the world.
AHRQ said it’s looking for a partner that can carry on the work of NGC, but that effort hasn’t panned out yet.

“AHRQ agrees that guidelines play an important role in clinical decision making, but hard decisions had to be made about how to use the resources at our disposal,” said AHRQ spokesperson Alison Hunt in an email. The operating budget for the NGC last year was $1.2 million, Hunt said, and reductions in funding forced the agency’s hand.

AND YET.....

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Still Golden

I've been re-thinking about my answer to yesterdays post.
After hitting publish, I went back and reread it. It seemed vague.
It didn't "feel" truthful, ya know?
My only missed opportunity was not worshipping Jesus with my kids as they grew up?
That's it?! That's my one regret? That was my golden opportunity?
I don't think so.
So I ruminated on it all night and came up with this post.

Let me give you a preface first.

When I read that original question, What golden opportunities have you lost?
it got me thinking of all the bad things, the wrong choices I had made in my life.
It started a running tape in my head of   "If Only's".
For me, that's a bad place to be. I don't like to live in a place of   "If Only".
It keeps me down, it keeps me regretful, keeps me miserable, keeps me on that razors edge of panic.
I can easily break into a cold sweat of panic when I think about "If Only" one too many times.

*If only I had called the Veterinarians office sooner, the dog wouldn't be dying in my lap at 3:00am.
*If only I had checked to see if that candle was still lit as we left the house.
*If only I had called my mom yesterday to ask her how she was feeling.
*If only I had made sure the pool deck gate was closed and locked before I left.

None of those bad things have ever even happened but the If Only's can keep me awake at night.

So that "What golden opportunities have you lost?"  question feels like a negative question to me.
It's asking me to go back and remember when I missed a chance to be good or do better.
It's asking me to relive a chapter of my life that was perhaps not the best chapter for me, and asks me to think  "Gee, what could I have done better here?"
It's asking me to remember a loss that perhaps I could have prevented If Only I had seen the golden part of that opportunity. If only I hadn't been clueless as to what I was passing up.

In Al Anon they teach you this- You did the best you could with what you had at the time.
And it took me going to Al Anon to learn that.
So maybe that is the golden opportunity I missed...not finding Al Anon sooner.
But Al Anon also teaches you everything happens when it is supposed to happen.
What's that saying???

Image result for the teacher arrives when the student is ready

So maybe, yes, I do have one real golden opportunity that I might have missed.
I have wished that I had found Al Anon 28 years ago. I believe we both would have been better off.
Holy Cow! Can you imagine what him and I would be like today if we had gotten our shit together....uh oh....and "If Only" rears its ugly head again.
See what I mean?
There seems to be shame attached to that.
And I am sick of carrying any kind of shame around with me anymore.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We find ourselves when we are supposed to.
And Jesus shows up when He is supposed to.
Eventually we come to realize that everything is golden.
Everything that happens to us will teach us a lesson or show us a blessing.

Image result for everything happens for a reason

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly
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Tuesday, July 10, 2018

I'm Golden

Question #6 (from Plant Spirit Medicine-chapter on metal)

What golden opportunities have you lost?

Well, to be honest, I'm not sure.
How does one know if they lost a golden opportunity?
What has to happen to you and your life in order for you to say that you lost a golden opportunity?
Wouldn't you only be able to answer that question in hindsight, after something "bad" happened?
And since you most likely survived that something "bad"...wouldn't a body feel too much gratitude for having survived that situation to complain about a lost opportunity?
I know for me, although it took a while for me to admit this, getting fired forced me to see the toxic environment I had been working in.
I never thought of it as having lost a golden opportunity.
Maybe I've never lost a golden opportunity.
Hmmmm...well wouldn't that be just great?

Image result for golden opportunity quotes

Image result for golden opportunity quotes

Image result for golden opportunity quotes

I guess I could say that I missed a golden opportunity to raise my kids with Jesus,
but I sorta did raise them with Jesus.
They were all believers long before Jesus came and found me.
I took them to Sunday School and Vacation Bible School; I made sure they made their first communion and their 8th grade confirmation.
I sent them to Church camp for one week each Summer.
They loved camp so much that they all three became camp counselors for years afterwards.
But I didn't go to church or join in any of their church related activities.
Jesus was on the periphery of my life back then.
I didn't really know Him and I didn't want to get to know Him.

My girls are still believers. College ruined my boy for religion though. He's an agnostic.
Which is not a horrible thing, really because I now believe that Jesus comes to find you in His time, when He's ready, not when You are ready.
So maybe that was my missed golden opportunity. 
Maybe if I had been a better believer back then my son wouldn't be so negative about Jesus now.
Who knows?

Anyway... Have you ever lost a golden opportunity?

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Saturday, June 30, 2018


Home – 

Warsan Shire (British-Somali Poet)

no one leaves home unless
home is the mouth of a shark.
you only run for the border
when you see the whole city
running as well.
your neighbours running faster
than you, the boy you went to school with
who kissed you dizzy behind
the old tin factory is
holding a gun bigger than his body,
you only leave home
when home won’t let you stay.
no one would leave home unless home
chased you, fire under feet,
hot blood in your belly.
it’s not something you ever thought about
doing, and so when you did –
you carried the anthem under your breath,
waiting until the airport toilet
to tear up the passport and swallow,
each mouthful of paper making it clear that
you would not be going back.
you have to understand,
no one puts their children in a boat
unless the water is safer than the land.
who would choose to spend days
and nights in the stomach of a truck
unless the miles travelled
meant something more than journey.
no one would choose to crawl under fences,
be beaten until your shadow leaves you,
raped, then drowned, forced to the bottom of
the boat because you are darker, be sold,
starved, shot at the border like a sick animal,
be pitied, lose your name, lose your family,
make a refugee camp a home for a year or two or ten,
stripped and searched, find prison everywhere
and if you survive and you are greeted on the other side
with go home blacks, refugees
dirty immigrants, asylum seekers
sucking our country dry of milk,
dark, with their hands out
smell strange, savage –
look what they’ve done to their own countries,
what will they do to ours?
the dirty looks in the street
softer than a limb torn off,
the indignity of everyday life
more tender than fourteen men who
look like your father, between
your legs, insults easier to swallow
than rubble, than your child’s body
in pieces – for now, forget about pride
your survival is more important.
i want to go home, but home is the mouth of a shark
home is the barrel of the gun
and no one would leave home
unless home chased you to the shore
unless home tells you to
leave what you could not behind,
even if it was human.
no one leaves home until home
is a damp voice in your ear saying
leave, run now, i don’t know what
i’ve become.
but i know that anywhere
is safer than here.

From Pastor Michael Moore's wordpress Blog:

**A poem shared by a parishioner… very appropriate in this era of hateful nationalism, racism, and un-Christian attitudes #Resist #JusticeNow

Friday, June 29, 2018

Six words

Bob Goff writes-
“Someone once asked me what I would write if I only had six words for my autobiography. Here’s what I came up with:
What if we weren’t afraid anymore?”

This six word thingy is apparently a thing right now.

I follow writingiswonderful on Wordpress who only writes in 6 word sentences. She gets a word prompt and then writes a story using only six words. Her posts blow me away every single time.
How does she do that, I wonder?

I also wonder what MY autobiography would be titled
if I was using only six words.
Here's a few samples I came up with:

* What if I didn't yell anymore?
* Why's my kitchen sink always clean?
* Finding friends after fifty is futile!
* I use humor when I'm nervous.
* I've always been awkward, and you?

So, back to Bob Goffs question-
What would YOU do if you weren't afraid anymore?
I'd cut my hair really really short, like a Pixie haircut.
I'd sing really loud in church and raise my hands straight up to the ceiling.
I'd never wear a bra again.
I'd dress more Bohemian...more flowing layers and skirts, more jingling jewelry.
I'd mow down my front garden and start all over again with different plants.
I'd get another Chihuahua.
I'd tell my husband to retire and we'd move to Florida.
I'd join a Yoga group, learn to meditate and locate my missing Chakras.
I'd let go of the control I think I have and I'd quit pestering Jesus with my anxiety.

What are your six words? What six words would describe your life?
I'm interested to hear what your six word choices will be.

Also, what would YOU do if YOU weren't afraid anymore?

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Sunday, June 24, 2018

A quick couple of questions...

A quick couple of questions...
How does a body figure out who is reading her blog posts?
I can't figure out how to track this.  I use Blogger.
I can see that 11 people have read my last post but I don't know WHO.
It doesn't give me any identity of the reader.
I have 6 followers and I know the one person who doesn't read my posts at all is my sister-in-law.
What about you other five?
Do you ladies read every post I put up? Or do you pick and choose?
If you pick and choose, how do you pick and choose?
By title?
By day?
By subject?
Do I post too often?
Not enough?
Am I that Blogger? The one who makes you cringe...
I don't get a lot of comments and I wonder why not. (I'm afraid to ask you that)
I am looking for some honest feedback here.
Is there something I need to change about my blog?

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Gem of priceless wisdom

(Questions in the middle of the page are from the book Plant Spirit Medicine by Eliot Cowan)

Let me preface this set of questions with an observation-
I'm beginning to think that this author, Eliot Cowan, is a bit of a nut.
As I flip through and read certain chapters of this book, I find that some of the stuff he writes about is way way out in left field, if you know what I mean.
Way out.

The questions themselves aren't so bad...but his life experiences are a bit out there.
I've read ahead a few chapters and find myself a bit put off by some of his weird ideas.
I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be able read some of this stuff.
In the meantime I enjoy answering some of these questions and I've also found that my answers are starting to heal a bit of a sore spot that I've discovered in my soul.
Which I'd say is a good thing.

And so without further are questions 1-5 from the chapter on Metal.
Image result for mountains and summits
"Wake up early in the morning, move your bowels, and go to the summit of a hill or mountain. Breathe deeply. Bow, kneel, or perform a solemn ceremony as a gesture of respect to the experiences of your own life. Take up these questions.

Consider each answer to be a gem of priceless wisdom. 
By answering these questions, you can honor your relationship to Metal."

(I read that first sentence and started giggling like a 10 year old boy.
For heaven's sake...move your bowels...what the hell Mr. Cowan?
What has that got to do with anything??
Then it dawns on me that there aren't any mountains, summits or hilltops in my neighborhood.
Maybe I could shit  sit at the top of the staircase?? Does that qualify as a summit?
I didn't do any of the ceremonial kneeling or bowing. I did breathe deeply.
So here we go.)

1. How do you feel about your father?
I miss him. I miss his laugh, his sense of calmness. He was one of the most decent men on the planet. You know that old saying.."They don't make 'em like that anymore"? That is what I think about my dad. He worked three jobs to support us and never complained. He came from an abusive home and never laid a hand on us but once. He said once was enough. His parents were alcoholics but he wasn't. He could make or build anything...we called him a mechanical genius. I never heard him raise his voice or talk down to another human being. He broke the cycle of abuse that he was raised in and raised us without violence or meanness.
He died in 1994 from Multiple Myeloma.
I find that I miss him more and more as time marches on.

2. How do you feel in Autumn?
Alive. Cool. Like I can breathe. I love the colors of the leaves on the trees. I love the early darkness that descends around 4:30pm. I love the smell of woodsmoke and apples and dried out leaves. I love being able to cook heartier foods once again. After a long hot Summer of grilling outdoors, there is something so perfect about roasting and baking in my kitchen. Gray rainy Autumn days energize me.
I LOVE Fall, Y'all !
Image result for I love fall y'all

3. When was the last time you wept?
This past Sunday when my son played this song for me. He says this is what happened to him when his girlfriend broke up with him. It bothers me that she broke his heart so badly.

And then this one-

4. When have you lost someone who was precious to you?
This a helluva question to ask. When?! Jesus. Why does he want to know when?
There isn't any way to answer it without typing out long drown out responses.
I'm just gonna answer with names, relationship to me and dates.
For the record..haven't most of us lost someone precious?
Why does it matter when?
Who gives a shit about when?
What's the point of his question?

  1. My Aunt Lori 1968- Anaphylactic Shock
  2. My Grandfather Jerry 1976- Emphysema and Heart Failure
  3. My Grandmother Louella 1985- Pancreatic Cancer
  4. My daughter Abigail 1986- Umbilical Cord Accident
  5. My Father Richard 1996- Multiple Myeloma
  6.  My sister Vonni 2008- Blastomycosis of the Brain

5. When have you lost valuable objects?
Not sure if I have ever lost any valuable objects. I know that I miss my childhood toys. But I didn't lose them. My mother threw them all out. Everything...dolls, doll clothes, toy dishes, Barbies, games. I wish I had some of it still.
But valuable? I think valuable is a relative term.
One's man trash is another man's treasure.

That's it for the first five questions. Twenty nine more to go.
Aren't you excited??

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly