Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Just You and I

Friday morning we set out for Florida. Just him and I. And the dog.
Driving 15 hours to plant our arses on the beach and listen to the waves crash onto the shore is my idea of heaven.
We rented a beachfront condo so we can listen to the waves for the next 7 days.
I will hear YAHWEH calling to me through those waves. It will cause me to pause and listen and pray and be grateful and thankful in ways that I believe I have forgotten.
Anxiety, panic and nerves have rendered me mute, again. Or rather a form of muteness.
Whenever the anxiety hits it takes my breath away, causing me to feel slightly short of breath.
It makes me feel like I have to struggle to breathe and it makes me even more short tempered
and anxiety filled. Forcing myself to inhale then causes my muscles between my shoulder blades to tighten up, which in turn makes it harder for me to take a deep breath.
I think I just need to rest and not do anything for a while.
No house cleaning, no childcare, no TV or Internet.
(I don't watch TV that much anyway so that won't be a hardship for me.)
I will still be posting to my Instagram account though. And reading.
I have in my tote bag 5 separate books to take along. That in itself is giving me anxiety.
What if I'm bringing too many? What if I like one and start to read it I but don't get to the other  4? Why bring so many? Why not just bring one good book??? What if I only bring one book and it turns out to be a dud?? I'll need another book just in case.
Good lord. Ignore me. Now I am looking for things to fret about.

I will hear YAHWEH calling to me on that beach and my husband will hear fish calling to him.
He is bringing his fishing poles and bait buckets and tackle boxes and his chair so he can cast and fish to his hearts content.
It's a perfect vacation for the both of us.
Reading for me and fishing for him, all while sitting on a sunny beach with our toes in the sand.

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Did I forget to mention that Monday April 23rd will be our 35th wedding anniversary?
We were 19 and 20 when we got married.
What were we thinking? What did we know about life or love or each other or even the world?

Image may contain: 11 people, people smiling, people standing, wedding and indoor

Nothing. We knew nothing. About any of it.
Years 1 thru 10 were spent on many an emotional battleground tearing each other apart.
We had 4 kids in the span of 6 years and never found the time for getting to know us.
Years 10 thru 28 were spent in a codependant/alcoholic rage that nearly undid us at times.
How we made it through the beginning of those years I don't know.
The start of  year 28 is when I found Alanon.  Alanon saved me and the Intervention saved him.
Years 29 thru the present have been the most comfortable, the most stable, the least volatile.
We still have our rough spots that we have to navigate now and then.
But it's an easier feeling that flows between us now.

"Our Song" is the same as the title to this post- Just You and I by Eddie Rabbit and Crystal Gayle.
Have a listen if you care to-

Never really thought about what life would be like for us all of these years later.
But I am glad to say to you, to him...
We'll be alright....Just You and I.
We made it... You and I.

See you all after vacation. I'm actually giddy with anticipation!

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Bad moon rising

My husband got sick on Good Friday. I called an ambulance for him on Saturday because he was too weak to walk.
In the ER they did a chest x-ray and blood work to look for infection.
When they found nothing wrong in those test results the doctor decided to do a CT Scan of the chest and also a CT scan of the abdomen to rule out something more ominous.
Our eyes met, caught and held from where I was sitting across the room..his finding and looking into mine, mine into his.
We both swallowed at the same time. I held my breath for a fraction of a second too long.
My mom called while we were waiting for those test results to let me know that a family friend had passed away, a man we had affectionately called Uncle Bill.
Uncle Bill had been dating my Aunt Lori back in the Spring of 1969 when I first met him.
I thought he was so dreamy, and I fell in love with him as only a six year old child can.

Aunt Lori died that Autumn from an anaphylactic shock reaction to hairspray.
She had just graduated from beauty school.
She was 18 year old.
To say my Uncle Bill was devastated is an understatement.
The memory of him sitting in a chair with his head in his hands at her funeral wake is still  burned into my memory 49 years later.

He stayed connected to our family and often visited my parents throughout the rest of my childhood. One Friday evening he brought over another girlfriend named Kathy. I was devastated. I had asked him in my 8 year old naivete to please wait for me, so that when I grew up him and I could get married.
He was the first person aside from my parents and family that I had loved.
He married Kathy and they lived one block over from where my husband and I live now.
I'd see him out walking by himself sometimes and other times I'd see him and my mother out walking her dog Murphy together.
He was a nice lovely man, and I broke down and cried in that ER cubicle while sitting across from my husband and on the phone with my mother, because the first man I had ever imagined that I loved had died.
The scan results come back negative. They find nothing wrong. Must be a virus is what they tell us.
We are elated and head back home. My husband is sick with this virus for the remainder of the week. Unable to eat, muscle weakness and then he develops what him and I will refer to as a form of Dysentery.  Maybe you have Cholera?
I joke with him. It isn't funny.       J E S U S!!!   wth?
We had Easter at my nieces house. Her husband of 11 years walked out on her and their 3 kids last month saying he didn't love her anymore. She's wrecked and devastated too. She wanted to host the holiday family get together because she wanted to remember this house with happy memories.
How do I call myself a Christian when I want to kill that man for all of the pain he is causing her and those beautiful kids?
My mother's dog Murphy had a tumor removed from his chest in February. The Vet gave him maybe 5 months to live. On Wednesday the same area on his chest started to bleed. The Vet bandaged him and advised her to keep an eye on it; to come back if it got worse.
My grandson got hit in the eye with a kicked soccer ball on Thursday. The cornea sort of buckled and the ball actually took part of the cornea with it as it slid over his eye. My son works for an Opthamologist office and went with them to the ER. My grandson was referred to a Pediatric Opthamologist who saw him Friday, Saturday and even opened their office to see him on Sunday. The damage looked severe enough that they believed he might lose some of the vision in his eye. It made me cry to think of that perfect little boy having to go thru the rest of his life with blurred vision. I just wanted life to go back to normal. I wanted bad things to stop happening. I mean how much worse could things get?
My son-in-law got fired from his part time job as a medic on Friday. He guesstimated a time on an ambulance report instead of calling dispatch for the actual time. It's considered altering a medical record and it's criminal in nature. He and my daughter are both devastated. It's humiliating and embarrassing and awful. It's also a huge loss of income for them. My daughter has been crying for days. She needs to find herself some anxiety meds. Pronto. I never was an advocate for medicating problems of this nature but, good lord...this girl needs to get a grip. She is unable to function at this moment and my heart breaks for her. What do you say to help a person in this situation?
To be honest, I feel myself at the breaking point and I don't feel like I have much advice to offer her.
I am living on a razor's edge myself.
Could things get any worse?
It got worse. Murphy went over that mother fucking Rainbow Bridge everybody likes to call it on Saturday at 1:00pm while bleeding out on the Vet's dirty floor.
I was in the middle of the Target toy aisle buying a birthday present for my grandson when my sister called to say they were at the Vet. I bawled when she told me. Bawled. That poor dog. My poor devastated mother.

Do I dare type out the word devastated one more time?
My daughter made and appt with her doctor and got anxiety meds. Only the doctor made a mistake on the prescriptions (instead of Xanax and Klonopin the dr wrote 2 prescriptions for Klonopin which made the pharmacy suspicious) and when my daughter went to the pharmacy they told her that she had to wait an additional 24 hours to receive her meds and that they would hold on to her prescriptions until they heard back from the doctor. When she went back to the pharmacy the next day, they claimed that they no longer had her prescription and that she would need to call her doctor to get another one. Now most of you ladies reading this blog know that NO DOCTOR IS GOING TO WRITE OUT ANOTHER PRESCRIPTION FOR A 30 DAY SUPPLY OF KLONOPIN after they just wrote you one. The pharmacy was adamant about not having her written scripts so my daughter demanded that they review the store tapes (they record all transactions at the pharmacy). She was minutes away from calling the police because someone at that pharmacy had stolen her written scripts, when they miraculously reappeared. The pharmacist claimed they had been filed in the wrong place.
My grandsons eye is back to normal with no residual damage. The bright sunlight hurts a bit but that is normal after an eye injury. I have thanked Jesus for favors granted.
Can I tell you something? My husband and I are going on vacation to Florida at the end of next week. and to be honest, I'm not so sure I will want to come back.
This vacation is the first we will have taken to Florida in 7 years and also we have never been to Florida by ourselves. We've always had children or family members in tow.
I told him we are going to sit on the beach and do nothing. NOTHING.  N.O.T.H.I.N.G.
I cannot wait to listen to the waves and the seagulls and to feel the warm sun on my face.

This vacation is well deserved, I will tell you that. I'm not so sure I can take one more piece of bad news.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Monday, March 26, 2018

Praying for thanks

Dear Lord,
When I try to pray in the morning I get distracted.
The dog wants to go out for a walk.
The grand kids want to eat breakfast.
My son is in the shower and calling for a clean towel to dry off with.
My spouse can't find his car keys and he's running late for work. Again.
I've not yet had a sip of coffee nor have I read any of my devotionals
but I have folded an entire basket of clean towels, found his car keys,
fed the grand kids and walked the dog.

It also dawns on me that I have not yet thanked You for any of this.
So without further ado, Lord, I'd like to thank You for...

*A healthy dog who wants to eat and then eats without throwing up and for a dog who wants to go out walking and for a dog that finally poops like a normal dog. Gross, I know, but she has been sick off and on every two weeks since Christmas with vomiting and bloody diarrhea. As soon as she would finish the medicine from the Vet, her symptoms would start back up again.
Imagine the Vet bills if you can....And Thank You Lord for the ability to pay said Vet bills.
Thank You for our Vet and her stick-to-it-ive-ness for finally, FINALLY finding a diagnosis (Inflammatory Bowel Disease) and a solution (prescription grade dog food AND NOTHING ELSE EVER) for this little dog of ours.

*Two healthy, boisterous, loud, cartoon watching grandchildren who come in my front door 5 days a week smiling and shoving each other; flinging shoes and coats in their wake, and settling their tiny little fannys in front of the TV to watch those cartoons while they inhale cereal and toast. My cousin works at Children's Memorial Hospital in Chicago. Believe me when I say that I am so grateful that these two (and the other two grandchildren I have) can eat and sleep and fight and laugh and watch cartoons and run and misbehave. We love them. They are gifts, Dear Lord, and I thank You for them.

*My son, living back at home after a heartbreaking split with is girlfriend. It is so hard to go back home, Lord. Once a body has been out on their own, living with parents again can be a little stifling. Thank You Lord for helping me help him and also for helping me keep my mouth shut when it comes to his business and his friends and his lifestyle and the late nights out at bars and for nights when he doesn't come home at all, but he does text me. He didn't used to. Thank You Lord for that.

*My husband and his ability to lose anything and everything all the damn time. Especially his keys.
Thank You Lord for helping me to help him find them, when it is 7:00am and he is frantically tearing up my house in his panic and haste so he can drive to his job that is slowing sucking the life out of him. Or so he says.
Thank You Lord for the spark that still ignites between us...sometimes it glows like a candle, warm and soothing and other times it's a raging forest fire consuming everybody in its path including us.
Thank You Lord that a simple kiss can have a thousand different meanings from Hiya Handsome, to I'm sorry but you're still a jerk.
Thank You that we have each other Lord, even on the bad days.
Thank You for this house we share and repair together. For appliances that work, for yards that need to be mowed for gardens that need to be planted.

*Thank You Lord for that clean load of towels I found in the dryer and folded at 6:00am this morning.

*The pen and paper that I scratched out this prayer on before I typed it on this blog.

*The candle I just lit and my devotionals that I will open up in a few minutes.

*I'm going to go get me that cup of coffee now Lord.
And I thank You for that too.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Friday, March 2, 2018


I've got a rare free day to do nothing.
By nothing I mean there is no shopping or cooking or laundry or dishes or cleaning that needs doing.
I made a huge pot of Veggie Chili yesterday; enough for us and also enough to share so I gave dinner to my mom and my daughter and son-in-law.
Guess what's for dinner tonight? I did say I made a huge pot of chili, right? ;)
Took my grandson to school this morning and I will pick him up afterwards but that is the extent of my To-Do list today.

If you're interested, my Seamless Bible study is moving along at a snails pace.
It is very ho-hum.
I am not engaged in it, with it, at all. Truthfully I'll be glad when it is done.
One more week to go.
The next Bible study this church is offering has been written by one of the ladies who has led us through this study.
Pardon me for saying this, but her announcement made me want to run screaming from the room.
I've not found her to be inspiring or uplifting at all. In fact half way through this study I've wanted to chuck the workbook and the "homework" that came along with it right into the trash.
I am a lover of books. I read them, I buy them, I covet them, I search Amazon for them, I borrow them, I keep them. As in like forever. Books are my jam. They tuck me into bed at night and they are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. Reading is equal to breathing in my world.*

This book will be tossed into the recycle bin next week Thursday at 9:00pm, right after class ends with no regrets. THUNK!!(and I paid $20 bucks for this book too)

Maybe it's just me but so far I haven't found any Bible study that is a good fit.
At my good ol' Missouri Synod Lutheran Church, the Bible studies are free of charge and you can tell. Nothing but older materials, used for decades.
The elder population doesn't want to pay a dime for new materials and they make up 90 % of the Bible study population.
They are fine with a printed worksheet and their King James Bibles.
They don't ask questions. They are there for the fellowship and the coffee.
They are fine with the status quo.
Me on the other hand...I've got numerous Bibles that I can reference and Google at my fingertips to search out any questions that come up... and the questions DO come up.
Is it just me? Nobody else seems to be asking the questions that I am.
Who did Cain marry? Who did Seth marry?
Who were the Nephilim? (Genesis 6:4)
Really Noah? Two of everything??
Doesn't anybody else know that Mary Magdalene was NOT a prostitute??
What happened to Joseph? (Jesus's step-dad) Why doesn't anybody mention what happens to Joseph?

Now don't get me wrong...I am not a Bible scholar. Not a theologian either.
But these questions and more nag at me.
I believe in God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.
I've seen things that make it impossible NOT to believe.
I want more though. More knowledge, more questions, more answers.

I feel like I am being led to perhaps..maybe..possibly..oh geez..I don't know....
lead a study myself?
I cannot believe I just typed that out loud.
But I keep getting this feeling, this sense that I should speak up at our church and inquire about Women's Bible study courses.
I keep getting a little nudge that maybe I am the one who could bring the type of Bible study I am looking for into our church. That  maybe there are other younger-ish women who are starving for more of Gods word like I am.
Not young moms or the geriatric population. I am talking about women 40-65.
Why that demographic?? I don't know. But that's part of the nudge too.
I'll be honest and say that it sort of scares me. I am an introvert. I don't do public speaking.
What in the world is God doing here?? What is He thinking?
Think I will ponder this for a bit...and I'll keep you posted on the nudges.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

* definiton of Bibliophile

Friday, February 23, 2018

On a Friday in February

Made both grand kids cry this morning so at least I'm winning.

Turn off the TV was shouted much too loudly.
So was get your coats on. And brush your teeth. And what are you doing?
It's like they were in a different world and could hear nothing I said.
And I guess they were, if I'm being honest.
They grow and live and have their being in a children's world.
The cartoon cat they watch on TV every morning can render them useless. And deaf.
I mean no disrespect to them by saying that.
THEY are not useless beings, nor are they deaf.

After my screaming grown up tantrum, my beautiful 8 year old grand boy walked over to me with tears in his eyes, stood before me and started to cry. Silently. Sadly. Like he was heartbroken.
And I suppose he was.
Granny had done a good job of snapping at that beautiful boy's spirit this morning.
He fit himself into my arms and laid his head on my shoulder and sobbed.
I hugged him and squeezed him extra hard while apologizing for yelling so loudly.
His sister on the other hand was standing to my right with a mutinous look on her 4 year old face.
Arms crossed in front of her, eyebrows drawn together, she also had tears in her eyes.
"Why are you yelling so loud Granny? That hurts my ears" she says.
Why indeed Granny?

It seems every morning I find myself apologizing for snapping and shouting at them.
It also seems that every morning they listen to me less and less.
Uh... do I see a pattern here??
My husband likes to tell me that talking quietly gets better results than yelling.
Under my breath I quietly told him to shut up.
He's Disneyland Grandpa. I'm Disciplinarian Granny.
He sees them for 20 minutes at the end of the day.
By that time breakfast and lunch have been prepared and fought over and not eaten, hair has been combed, shoes and jackets have not been put on, groceries have been purchased, errands run, homework finished, toys fought over, crying and fighting have been dealt with, and mommy is almost here to pick them up. At 5:00pm it has been a nine hour day for me.
Time to get dinner started!

Sometimes I feel under appreciated by all of them.
Sometimes I feel like all I do is yell.
Sometimes I feel so much guilt for yelling at them that I cry myself.
Sometimes I just want to take a nap for maybe a solid week.

As I am typing this, I have had to stop and "yell" at my granddaughter for jumping on the couch.
Four times. Four times I have to asked her to stop jumping on the couch and the fifth time I yell.
"Why are you yelling all day?" she asks?

Sigh... I am exhausted and it is 10:30 in the morning.

I realize that this sounds ungrateful and whiny.
I realize that this makes me seem like I am an angry mad yelling granny.
Well ....They started it!!

I don't have any words of wisdom to offer. No pithy little sayings.
On a Friday in February I am tired.
Tired of yelling, tired of being grouchy, tired of them not listening, tired of being tired. I'm tired of the gloomy skies, tired of feeling guilty and I am tired of winter.

Ok, I guess I do have a little saying to put in here...
It's just a bad day, not a bad life.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest and
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

**an addendum- Liz Petrone breaks my heart.  Read this.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Fields of Grace

I joined a Bible study at my sister-in-laws church because the nice elderly population at my church decided the book of Judges would be their Bible study of choice this time. Ugh.
It's titled Seamless and it was written by Angie Smith.
Now I've seen Angie Smith speak in person before. 
It was 6 years ago at a Women of Faith conference and she was goooood. 
She spoke from the heart, and as she told her story she cried; with the telling of one particular part of her story she made the entire convention center burst into tears.
I saw her again a few years later, watching from my laptop during a Live Podcast of the IF Gathering.
She cried when she spoke that time too, only it wasn't because of the story she was telling. 
She cried because she didn't feel like she was enough.
She didn't feel like she was enough in the eyes of Christ. She felt less than, not worthy to be standing at that podium speaking to a group of women, and she bawled the entire way through it.
Ok. So.  Here's my take on this.
She gets paid to do this gig. She gets paid to travel around the country and speak to women of faith, in packed convention centers and sold out arenas. She tells her story, she cries her way through it and I'm not sure, but I believe there may be a little bit of a marketing ploy here...she sells her books, of which there are 7 to date.
So I'm thinking to myself that she has found an angle, right? 
Get 'em crying, get 'em hooked and BAM! 
You can buy Angie's book after the show, and she will tell you how to become beloved by God.
So... back to my story about this Bible study.

I have a dark sense of humor. I am a tad bit snarky. I use caustic words and I am abrasive in nature when I am in a situation where I am uncertain as to what to do or say and then I disguise my mean behaviour behind a joking manner.
All true statements right there.
But the funny thing is I don't consider myself a sinner when I do those things.
(And perhaps THAT is my sin.)
Last Thursday at this Seamless Bible study, the leader spoke about herself being a sinner and not being good enough for God and she had to remind herself daily that Christ crucified Himself on that cross for her, so her sin could be forgiven. And she knew she could never measure up for that. And she cried.

Blech. What a bunch of dreck.
Forgive me and my snarky nature but what a bunch of whoo-ha.
My brain started to sizzle and I reached under the table and pinched my sister-in-law on the thigh. a Christian woman, let me say this...

But I don't focus on that. I choose NOT to focus on that. Because Jesus is so much more than that.
I believe in the Jesus of Mercy, Grace and Light. I believe in the Jesus who has a sense of humor. I believe in the compassionate Jesus who forgives us all, all of the time. I will even be honest enough to admit that sometimes I believe in the Parking Lot Jesus. You know who that is, right? Two sick kids in the car and it is raining and it is the dark of night and someone has a fever and you need Tylenol and lo and behold, Jesus has saved us a parking spot right next to the in door of the drug store. Thank YOU Jesus!
I believe in the Jesus who is one with God and shows us beauty in unexpected places.
I believe in the Jesus of sunrises and laughter and nature and ocean waves that speak His name.

Our table leader named Chris said to us that she too believes that she is a sinner that can never measure up to what Jesus did for her. She said she loves Jesus with her whole heart and wants to learn more about him and that she loves to be immersed in "The Word", that Jesus speaks to her and He resonates with her when she is immersed in "The Word."
I read the Bible, a few verses a day, as directed by my daily devotionals. It is enough for me at this moment in time. I have no issue with Chris immersing herself in "The Word" as she sees fit.
My point here is that for me  Jesus can be found everywhere and not just specifically in the written words of the Bible.
I don't believe that I need to immerse myself in His word in order to see Him or know Him.

I sent my sister-in-law a text and asked her to help me not make rude noises (such as pffftt, or tsk) or to roll my eyes at next weeks Bible study when another woman stands up and professes to be an undeserving bad girl sinner that Christ climbed up and crucified hisself for.

Do You feel bad?  Do You feel a constant need to remind Yourself of His sacrifice?
Is that what being a good christian is all about? Focusing on the bad and not the good?

Cuz the thing is...I don't feel like a bad girl, like I don't matter to Jesus or that my sin is so great that he could never love a sinner like me.

I heard a song called Fields of Grace and I was looking for the lyrics on Google when I came across this-

Be still, and know that I am God  Ps 46:10

I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart  (Ps 100:4)

     This is the day that the Lord had made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.

                                            (Ps 118:24Modern English Version (MEV) )

Thanksgiving, joy, gladness. That's the stuff that I look to Jesus for.

And when I picked up my devotional to do my reading for that day, it directed me to the following Bible passage-

    When you come looking for me you'll find me. 
                                                   (Jeremiah 29:13 The Message)

Pretty amazing stuff if you ask me. I find Jesus everywhere.
I am always directed to passages right when I need them. 
Just like at Al-anon...That's just what I needed to hear today.

 I prefer to think of myself as Dancing in Fields of His Grace everyday. 
And I'm hopeful that THAT isn't my sin either. Because Jesus is too good to punish us for finding the Mercy, Grace and Light that He shows us.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Monday, January 15, 2018

Do ya?

So I'm sitting here looking at the list of blogs that I follow trying not to be embarrassed about it.
I follow 60 blogs. Sixty!
(Well, I follow 60 blogs but some of them are no longer active.)
But still, I hesitate to delete some of them. And I'm not sure why.
What if their next post is exactly what I've been needing to hear?
I started following them for some I really want to delete them just because they aren't posting anymore?
Do you all do this? Or am I simply looking too far into things?
In all honesty, nobody cares if I follow 60 blogs, do they?
So I'm sitting here looking at a stack of books that I should be reading.
I have 20 books checked out from our local library right now. Twenty!
And there they sit,  next to my computer untouched and unread because there are too many of them.
It feels like I have some sort of library induced A.D.D.
Oooo, look at this one! Hey! I've wanted to read that one for a while now. This one comes highly recommended by a friend. Wow! This one is a must read!
Books, books, books! Gratitude books, cookbooks, Winter poems, books on Solstice and Light, God, Jesus, Laura Ingalls Wilder and a Scottish Highlander trashy novel thrown in just for fun. ;)
Do you all do this too?
Y'all don't care if I have 20 unread books sitting here either, do you?
Christmas trappings have been removed for two weeks already. Winter is slogging along without much fanfare. We got 3 inches of snow last night.. no big deal.
We survived being in the deep freeze for 2 solid weeks. Temps never got out of the single digits.
We survived the flu. By "We" I mean everybody got it but me. My husband, all 3 of my grown kids, in-laws, and all four grandkids got it. I drank Emergen C and Elderberry syrup every day. Plus I diffused Thieves by Young Living Essential Oil  and I put it on my feet too.
(Now I'm hoping that I didn't just jinx myself by bragging about surviving the flu.)
My anxiety is better and most nights here lately I have been sleeping pretty good, which helps with the anxiety a lot!
I'm teaching myself to meditate and I'm learning to take really deep breaths, hold and release them.
Thank you all for caring about me and inquiring after my well being.
As you can see from the above paragraphs, I live an exciting and scintillating life.
Do you?

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly