Friday, March 2, 2018


I've got a rare free day to do nothing.
By nothing I mean there is no shopping or cooking or laundry or dishes or cleaning that needs doing.
I made a huge pot of Veggie Chili yesterday; enough for us and also enough to share so I gave dinner to my mom and my daughter and son-in-law.
Guess what's for dinner tonight? I did say I made a huge pot of chili, right? ;)
Took my grandson to school this morning and I will pick him up afterwards but that is the extent of my To-Do list today.

If you're interested, my Seamless Bible study is moving along at a snails pace.
It is very ho-hum.
I am not engaged in it, with it, at all. Truthfully I'll be glad when it is done.
One more week to go.
The next Bible study this church is offering has been written by one of the ladies who has led us through this study.
Pardon me for saying this, but her announcement made me want to run screaming from the room.
I've not found her to be inspiring or uplifting at all. In fact half way through this study I've wanted to chuck the workbook and the "homework" that came along with it right into the trash.
I am a lover of books. I read them, I buy them, I covet them, I search Amazon for them, I borrow them, I keep them. As in like forever. Books are my jam. They tuck me into bed at night and they are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. Reading is equal to breathing in my world.*

This book will be tossed into the recycle bin next week Thursday at 9:00pm, right after class ends with no regrets. THUNK!!(and I paid $20 bucks for this book too)

Maybe it's just me but so far I haven't found any Bible study that is a good fit.
At my good ol' Missouri Synod Lutheran Church, the Bible studies are free of charge and you can tell. Nothing but older materials, used for decades.
The elder population doesn't want to pay a dime for new materials and they make up 90 % of the Bible study population.
They are fine with a printed worksheet and their King James Bibles.
They don't ask questions. They are there for the fellowship and the coffee.
They are fine with the status quo.
Me on the other hand...I've got numerous Bibles that I can reference and Google at my fingertips to search out any questions that come up... and the questions DO come up.
Is it just me? Nobody else seems to be asking the questions that I am.
Who did Cain marry? Who did Seth marry?
Who were the Nephilim? (Genesis 6:4)
Really Noah? Two of everything??
Doesn't anybody else know that Mary Magdalene was NOT a prostitute??
What happened to Joseph? (Jesus's step-dad) Why doesn't anybody mention what happens to Joseph?

Now don't get me wrong...I am not a Bible scholar. Not a theologian either.
But these questions and more nag at me.
I believe in God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.
I've seen things that make it impossible NOT to believe.
I want more though. More knowledge, more questions, more answers.

I feel like I am being led to perhaps..maybe..possibly..oh geez..I don't know....
lead a study myself?
I cannot believe I just typed that out loud.
But I keep getting this feeling, this sense that I should speak up at our church and inquire about Women's Bible study courses.
I keep getting a little nudge that maybe I am the one who could bring the type of Bible study I am looking for into our church. That  maybe there are other younger-ish women who are starving for more of Gods word like I am.
Not young moms or the geriatric population. I am talking about women 40-65.
Why that demographic?? I don't know. But that's part of the nudge too.
I'll be honest and say that it sort of scares me. I am an introvert. I don't do public speaking.
What in the world is God doing here?? What is He thinking?
Think I will ponder this for a bit...and I'll keep you posted on the nudges.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

* definiton of Bibliophile

Friday, February 23, 2018

On a Friday in February

Made both grand kids cry this morning so at least I'm winning.

Turn off the TV was shouted much too loudly.
So was get your coats on. And brush your teeth. And what are you doing?
It's like they were in a different world and could hear nothing I said.
And I guess they were, if I'm being honest.
They grow and live and have their being in a children's world.
The cartoon cat they watch on TV every morning can render them useless. And deaf.
I mean no disrespect to them by saying that.
THEY are not useless beings, nor are they deaf.

After my screaming grown up tantrum, my beautiful 8 year old grand boy walked over to me with tears in his eyes, stood before me and started to cry. Silently. Sadly. Like he was heartbroken.
And I suppose he was.
Granny had done a good job of snapping at that beautiful boy's spirit this morning.
He fit himself into my arms and laid his head on my shoulder and sobbed.
I hugged him and squeezed him extra hard while apologizing for yelling so loudly.
His sister on the other hand was standing to my right with a mutinous look on her 4 year old face.
Arms crossed in front of her, eyebrows drawn together, she also had tears in her eyes.
"Why are you yelling so loud Granny? That hurts my ears" she says.
Why indeed Granny?

It seems every morning I find myself apologizing for snapping and shouting at them.
It also seems that every morning they listen to me less and less.
Uh... do I see a pattern here??
My husband likes to tell me that talking quietly gets better results than yelling.
Under my breath I quietly told him to shut up.
He's Disneyland Grandpa. I'm Disciplinarian Granny.
He sees them for 20 minutes at the end of the day.
By that time breakfast and lunch have been prepared and fought over and not eaten, hair has been combed, shoes and jackets have not been put on, groceries have been purchased, errands run, homework finished, toys fought over, crying and fighting have been dealt with, and mommy is almost here to pick them up. At 5:00pm it has been a nine hour day for me.
Time to get dinner started!

Sometimes I feel under appreciated by all of them.
Sometimes I feel like all I do is yell.
Sometimes I feel so much guilt for yelling at them that I cry myself.
Sometimes I just want to take a nap for maybe a solid week.

As I am typing this, I have had to stop and "yell" at my granddaughter for jumping on the couch.
Four times. Four times I have to asked her to stop jumping on the couch and the fifth time I yell.
"Why are you yelling all day?" she asks?

Sigh... I am exhausted and it is 10:30 in the morning.

I realize that this sounds ungrateful and whiny.
I realize that this makes me seem like I am an angry mad yelling granny.
Well ....They started it!!

I don't have any words of wisdom to offer. No pithy little sayings.
On a Friday in February I am tired.
Tired of yelling, tired of being grouchy, tired of them not listening, tired of being tired. I'm tired of the gloomy skies, tired of feeling guilty and I am tired of winter.

Ok, I guess I do have a little saying to put in here...
It's just a bad day, not a bad life.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest and
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

**an addendum- Liz Petrone breaks my heart.  Read this.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Fields of Grace

I joined a Bible study at my sister-in-laws church because the nice elderly population at my church decided the book of Judges would be their Bible study of choice this time. Ugh.
It's titled Seamless and it was written by Angie Smith.
Now I've seen Angie Smith speak in person before. 
It was 6 years ago at a Women of Faith conference and she was goooood. 
She spoke from the heart, and as she told her story she cried; with the telling of one particular part of her story she made the entire convention center burst into tears.
I saw her again a few years later, watching from my laptop during a Live Podcast of the IF Gathering.
She cried when she spoke that time too, only it wasn't because of the story she was telling. 
She cried because she didn't feel like she was enough.
She didn't feel like she was enough in the eyes of Christ. She felt less than, not worthy to be standing at that podium speaking to a group of women, and she bawled the entire way through it.
Ok. So.  Here's my take on this.
She gets paid to do this gig. She gets paid to travel around the country and speak to women of faith, in packed convention centers and sold out arenas. She tells her story, she cries her way through it and I'm not sure, but I believe there may be a little bit of a marketing ploy here...she sells her books, of which there are 7 to date.
So I'm thinking to myself that she has found an angle, right? 
Get 'em crying, get 'em hooked and BAM! 
You can buy Angie's book after the show, and she will tell you how to become beloved by God.
So... back to my story about this Bible study.

I have a dark sense of humor. I am a tad bit snarky. I use caustic words and I am abrasive in nature when I am in a situation where I am uncertain as to what to do or say and then I disguise my mean behaviour behind a joking manner.
All true statements right there.
But the funny thing is I don't consider myself a sinner when I do those things.
(And perhaps THAT is my sin.)
Last Thursday at this Seamless Bible study, the leader spoke about herself being a sinner and not being good enough for God and she had to remind herself daily that Christ crucified Himself on that cross for her, so her sin could be forgiven. And she knew she could never measure up for that. And she cried.

Blech. What a bunch of dreck.
Forgive me and my snarky nature but what a bunch of whoo-ha.
My brain started to sizzle and I reached under the table and pinched my sister-in-law on the thigh. a Christian woman, let me say this...

But I don't focus on that. I choose NOT to focus on that. Because Jesus is so much more than that.
I believe in the Jesus of Mercy, Grace and Light. I believe in the Jesus who has a sense of humor. I believe in the compassionate Jesus who forgives us all, all of the time. I will even be honest enough to admit that sometimes I believe in the Parking Lot Jesus. You know who that is, right? Two sick kids in the car and it is raining and it is the dark of night and someone has a fever and you need Tylenol and lo and behold, Jesus has saved us a parking spot right next to the in door of the drug store. Thank YOU Jesus!
I believe in the Jesus who is one with God and shows us beauty in unexpected places.
I believe in the Jesus of sunrises and laughter and nature and ocean waves that speak His name.

Our table leader named Chris said to us that she too believes that she is a sinner that can never measure up to what Jesus did for her. She said she loves Jesus with her whole heart and wants to learn more about him and that she loves to be immersed in "The Word", that Jesus speaks to her and He resonates with her when she is immersed in "The Word."
I read the Bible, a few verses a day, as directed by my daily devotionals. It is enough for me at this moment in time. I have no issue with Chris immersing herself in "The Word" as she sees fit.
My point here is that for me  Jesus can be found everywhere and not just specifically in the written words of the Bible.
I don't believe that I need to immerse myself in His word in order to see Him or know Him.

I sent my sister-in-law a text and asked her to help me not make rude noises (such as pffftt, or tsk) or to roll my eyes at next weeks Bible study when another woman stands up and professes to be an undeserving bad girl sinner that Christ climbed up and crucified hisself for.

Do You feel bad?  Do You feel a constant need to remind Yourself of His sacrifice?
Is that what being a good christian is all about? Focusing on the bad and not the good?

Cuz the thing is...I don't feel like a bad girl, like I don't matter to Jesus or that my sin is so great that he could never love a sinner like me.

I heard a song called Fields of Grace and I was looking for the lyrics on Google when I came across this-

Be still, and know that I am God  Ps 46:10

I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart  (Ps 100:4)

     This is the day that the Lord had made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.

                                            (Ps 118:24Modern English Version (MEV) )

Thanksgiving, joy, gladness. That's the stuff that I look to Jesus for.

And when I picked up my devotional to do my reading for that day, it directed me to the following Bible passage-

    When you come looking for me you'll find me. 
                                                   (Jeremiah 29:13 The Message)

Pretty amazing stuff if you ask me. I find Jesus everywhere.
I am always directed to passages right when I need them. 
Just like at Al-anon...That's just what I needed to hear today.

 I prefer to think of myself as Dancing in Fields of His Grace everyday. 
And I'm hopeful that THAT isn't my sin either. Because Jesus is too good to punish us for finding the Mercy, Grace and Light that He shows us.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Monday, January 15, 2018

Do ya?

So I'm sitting here looking at the list of blogs that I follow trying not to be embarrassed about it.
I follow 60 blogs. Sixty!
(Well, I follow 60 blogs but some of them are no longer active.)
But still, I hesitate to delete some of them. And I'm not sure why.
What if their next post is exactly what I've been needing to hear?
I started following them for some I really want to delete them just because they aren't posting anymore?
Do you all do this? Or am I simply looking too far into things?
In all honesty, nobody cares if I follow 60 blogs, do they?
So I'm sitting here looking at a stack of books that I should be reading.
I have 20 books checked out from our local library right now. Twenty!
And there they sit,  next to my computer untouched and unread because there are too many of them.
It feels like I have some sort of library induced A.D.D.
Oooo, look at this one! Hey! I've wanted to read that one for a while now. This one comes highly recommended by a friend. Wow! This one is a must read!
Books, books, books! Gratitude books, cookbooks, Winter poems, books on Solstice and Light, God, Jesus, Laura Ingalls Wilder and a Scottish Highlander trashy novel thrown in just for fun. ;)
Do you all do this too?
Y'all don't care if I have 20 unread books sitting here either, do you?
Christmas trappings have been removed for two weeks already. Winter is slogging along without much fanfare. We got 3 inches of snow last night.. no big deal.
We survived being in the deep freeze for 2 solid weeks. Temps never got out of the single digits.
We survived the flu. By "We" I mean everybody got it but me. My husband, all 3 of my grown kids, in-laws, and all four grandkids got it. I drank Emergen C and Elderberry syrup every day. Plus I diffused Thieves by Young Living Essential Oil  and I put it on my feet too.
(Now I'm hoping that I didn't just jinx myself by bragging about surviving the flu.)
My anxiety is better and most nights here lately I have been sleeping pretty good, which helps with the anxiety a lot!
I'm teaching myself to meditate and I'm learning to take really deep breaths, hold and release them.
Thank you all for caring about me and inquiring after my well being.
As you can see from the above paragraphs, I live an exciting and scintillating life.
Do you?

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Monday, January 1, 2018

Gray and white and cold

                                   Grant me Your Sense of Timing by Ted Loder
O God of all seasons and senses,
grant me your sense of timing
to submit gracefully
and rejoice quietly
in the turn of the seasons.
In this season of short days and long nights,
of grey and white and cold,
teach me the lessons of waiting:
of the snow joining the mystery
of the hunkered-down seeds
growing in their sleep
watched over by gnarled-limbed, grandparent trees
resting from autumn’s staggering energy;
of the silent, whirling earth
circling to race back home to the sun.
                                          O God, grant me your sense of timing.
In this season of short days and long nights,
of grey and white and cold,
teach me the lessons of endings:
children growing
friends leaving
jobs concluding
stages finishing
grieving over
grudges over
blaming over
excuses over.
                                         O God, grant me your sense of timing.
In this season of short days and long nights,
of grey and white and cold,
teach me the lessons of beginnings:
that such waitings and endings
may be a starting place,
of planting seeds
which bring to birth
what is ready to be born—
something right and just and different,
a new song,
a deeper relationship,
a fuller lover—
in the fullness of your time.
                                        O God, grant me your sense of timing.

Hope you all had lovely holidays spent with family and friends.
Happy New Year to all of you too!

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

The light returns

These are a few of the things I've found on the internet in the past few days. 
I kept copying and pasting them here thinking that maybe I would use them at a later date.
The most wonderful thing happened tho...
I was looking for a quote to use for the Winter Solstice tomorrow when I remembered about these quotes being pasted here.
They all fit for my purpose so I am going to use them all.


It is tempting this Advent to see only leafless trees, falling sunlight, and a darkening cultural horizon. But this is God’s pattern: death to life, bad news to good, sorrow to joy. Lift up your shoulders, shed your burdens, and open your eyes; joy springs up in unlikely places. James Amadon


Lord I sit in this circle of light,
surrounded by your love,
embraced by your peace,
infused with your joy.
Lord I sit in this circle of light,
with all the people of this world
secure in the wonder of your presence.
~ Christine Sine


Image result for chasing away the dark winter quotes


Image result for most wonderful time of all years

Image may contain: sky, tree and outdoor
From out of the darkness and cold, the light...and hope return.


Merry Christmas, Season's Greetings, Happy Holidays,
and a Merry Winter Solstice to you all!!
Allelujah! Let's welcome back the light.
Image may contain: night, fire and candles

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Friday, December 8, 2017

Winter of the soul

There are days when my loneliness turns to liquid and runs down my face.
There are days when I think to myself...My God! How long must I bare this aloneness.

I'm not kidding you when I say that my cell phone does. not. ring.  Ever.
I feel like everybody else is getting together and having a good time and I'm not there.
Hell...I'm not even invited. There are no women friends to go out with.
There are no last minute texts saying "Hey we're getting together; you wanna come with?"
No coffee clatches...No book ladies church play groups.
Remember those two ladies I tried to befriend at the end of the school year?
I gave them my phone number and address and asked if we could get the kids together to play sometime over the Summer. And they never called. And then at the beginning of this school year I ran into them again and they ignored me...twice. Pointedly. And it shames me.
They don't even acknowledge my presence. They look through me. And I don't know why.

It feels as if I live my life in a a vacuum of space where no one knows I exist.

I've never been a bluesy in December kind of a gal. The dark days and the cold temps don't bother me. I'm just so mother fucking lonely I don't know what to do anymore.

People of the Christian faith call this a "Hard Season".
They say that God is asking me to wait.

( start at 52 seconds)

They say I should be still and revel in the silence of the waiting.
"Be still and know..." Ps 46:10
They say that God is preparing me for something; maybe something bigger, something better.

Can I tell ya something?
After a long season of silence and waiting ANYTHING is going to look like a gift from God.
And speaking of gifts...

I read this on FB today.
It sorta made me feel better. It made me think HEY! Wait a minute!
Maybe it's not me, maybe it's them! Maybe it's been them all along.
I don't know why I put the burden of that shame onto my shoulders.

Yes I do.
I did it because I'm lonely and introverted and I don't know how to make friends.
I thought it would be easy, ya know?
Get the kids together, make a little bit of small talk with the the moms, make a connection of sorts.
Only it didn't happen at all how I envisioned it would.
The phone calls never came. Then the shunning thing started. Now I am Invisa-Girl to them.

I think it's the loneliness that hurts. It's the wanting in thing that is haunting me.
It's the shame of not feeling good enough, or of somehow lacking something vital that they can see I don't posses, so let's ignore her and act like we are 12 year olds in junior high.

Did I tell you that one of these ladies is married to a pastor?
And the other one is the room mom at the school.
Huh. Go figure that one.

Anyway...I feel better now that I have typed this out.
Rant over. Thanks for listening.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly