Year two

He died in the heart of winter.

The season that he hated most of all.

It's one of the first things I thought of, one of the first thing I felt bad about.

I thought it a cruel joke that he would die in the middle of winter, 

with the ice and cold and the wind chasing after him as he passed from this world.

It feels like it was just yesterday and also like it has been forever since I saw him.

Grief changes a persons very identity, Nothing is the same.

I am:

sad, forgetful, happy, lonesome, relieved, ruined, crazy, normal, old, fragile, strong, and fine. I cry, I laugh, I am depressed and I am funny.

I grocery shop, pay bills, do my laundry and I sleep alone.

How is this possible???

How is it possible to be all of these things at the same time??

My children and grandchildren save me daily. My love for them is immeasurable.

I miss him so much and some days are still so damn hard.

The world is weird and ugly and sometimes I am afraid.

I wish he was still here cuz then everything would feel alright.

I felt safe when he was here. I felt loved and cared for.

***************

I am slowly learning how to love and care for myself.

I go to Physical Therapy 2 times a week. 

My therapist is helping me to relearn the mind body connection. 

She is teaching me how to let go of the pain in my body that I have carried for two years.

I take Epsom salt baths to help me release tension and relax.

I've joined Weight Watchers to count points everyday and I still drink too much wine.

I take a nap daily and I have no guilt over this. My body still needs the rest.

I miss married life, I miss intimacy, I miss him.

His voice, his smell, his arms around me.... his kiss.

The dictionary doesn't have the words to describe this level of  loneliness.

I am fine and I am wrecked. I know love and loss.

Widowhood sucks. I'd give ANYTHING to go back to normal.

I'm tired of being lonely. I miss him.

Love, Lolly