Bad moon rising

*bad language warning

There are days when I feel like I am going to lose my fucking mind if one more person-

• asks me for something to do, or asks me for lunch and then doesn't fucking eat it,
• or calls my name, or calls me granny, or doesn't fucking call me at all,
• or accuses me of something that I didn't fucking do just to assign blame to someone, 
• or belittles me in front of others in such a way that fucking enrages me,
• or ignores me and walks away as I am still fucking talking,
• or blames me for something that I didn't do and have no fucking control over,
• or doesn't fucking listen to me because their own anxiety issues have caused them to become deaf.

Suffice it to say that I am feeling a bit put out and out of sorts and put upon lately and I have no one to blame but myself.
I am having a hard time saying no, but to contradict myself right here, I feel like all I do is scream NO at people lately.
No! Stop it! Get down! Shut up! Go Away! I SAID NO! No thanks. No I'm not going. NOOO!
(by the way, I only tell the dog to Shut Up! Never my kids, him or the grandkids...never)

I'm stretched too thin. I'm tired. I'm broken. I'm worn. I'm fed up. I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm stressed. I'm afraid. I'm aggravated. I'm too hard on myself and others.  And I am always sorry.

Sorry for flipping my lid. Sorry for yelling. Sorry for falling asleep. Sorry for not doing more. Sorry that they feel bad or sick or tired or worn themselves. Sorry I said anything. Sorry I asked.

Overwhelmed by their darkness or their anxiety or their problems.
Overwhelmed by my own.
Overwhelmed by the World and it's meanness, Overwhelmed by the rudeness and the hate I see.
Overwhelmed at being overwhelmed.

I reached out to a friend from high school...really just a FB friend now,
about a month ago.
She is into natural things like organic foods, chakras, and healing energy... that sort of thing.
I told her I was feeling stuck, that I had taken a test on-line and that I appeared to have all of my chakras blocked. I told her that I was going to go out on a limb and ask her if she could help me realign myself...help me become unblocked.
Now normally I don't go in for this sort of thing but I feel like I am stuck or blocked spiritually and I am desperately trying to find a way out of this mire.
I told her I was trying to teach myself how to meditate.
Inhale for a count of 8
Hold for a count of 8
Exhale for a count of 10

Her answer was- 
 "Yes! I can help you!  I am at work right now but keep meditating and I will get back to you!"
But she never has.  So. Do I reach out again? Did she forget? Do I leave it alone?
Do I keep on meditating? 8-8-10

• My sister-in-law swears by essential oils. Like they're a miracle cure. Diffusers, roller balls, different oils blended together, rubbed on the wrists and the feet.
• The lady who cuts my hair suggests I walk in the grass in my bare feet...connect to the Earth she says.
• The lady that does my eyebrows suggests a Klonipin and a hot Epsom Salt bath tinged with Lavender, sitting in the tub til the water grows cold.
• The lady that does my pedicures snarls at me in disgust and says "You hava heel clacks."

(sorry...my dark sense of humor made this extremely funny.
She said "You have heel cracks")
Which means what?? I want to know. And why is she so angry about it??

For that matter, why am I so angry?

• Why the rant at the beginning of this blog post?
• Why am I feeling like my fucking brain has caught on fire?
• Why do I feel like howling at the moon? 
• Why am I blocked? Why am I stuck?

• Why am I always yelling?
• Why am I letting others negativity attach itself to me? 
• Why don't I walk barefoot in the grass?
• Why don't I try that Klonipin and Lavender Epsom Salt bath??

• Bad Moon Rising-Creedence Clearwater Revival

I'm gonna go take me that bath and howl at the moon..
Maybe that'll fix whatevers ailing me.
I'll check back in tomorrow.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Soul Finder

WTH

What in the actual fuck is happening to our county? 

This a long read and I'm not sorry for it. 

I have copied and pasted all of this, that's why it looks so disjointed and has a tiny font.

I am feeling defeated and powerless to stop any of this.

When I showed these articles to my daughter her response was- 

"They came for the Scientists, the Doctors and the Artists first....."

Geezuz....What do I do? What can we all do to stop this madness?

HHS Plans to Delete 20 Years of Critical Medical Guidelines Next Week

Experts say the database of carefully curated medical guidelines is one of a kind, used constantly by medical professionals, and on July 16 will ‘go dark’ due to budget cuts.

JON CAMPBELL

07.12.18 5:11 AM ET

The Trump Administration is planning to eliminate a vast trove of medical guidelines that for nearly 20 years has been a critical resource for doctors, researchers and others in the medical community.

Maintained by the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality [AHRQ], part of the Department of Health and Human Services, the database is known as the National Guideline Clearinghouse [NGC], and it’s scheduled to “go dark,” in the words of an official there, on July 16.

Medical guidelines like those compiled by AHRQ aren’t something laypeople spend much time thinking about, but experts like Valerie King, a professor in the Department of Family Medicine and Director of Research at the Center for Evidence-based Policy at Oregon Health & Science University, said the NGC is perhaps the most important repository of evidence-based research available.

“Guideline.gov was our go-to source, and there is nothing else like it in the world,” King said, referring to the URL at which the database is hosted, which the agency says receives about 200,000 visitors per month. “It is a singular resource,” King added.

Medical guidelines are best thought of as cheatsheets for the medical field, compiling the latest research in an easy-to use format. When doctors want to know when they should start insulin treatments, or how best to manage an HIV patient in unstable housing — even something as mundane as when to start an older patient on a vitamin D supplement — they look for the relevant guidelines. The documents are published by a myriad of professional and other organizations, and NGC has long been considered among the most comprehensive and reliable repositories in the world.

AHRQ said it’s looking for a partner that can carry on the work of NGC, but that effort hasn’t panned out yet.

“AHRQ agrees that guidelines play an important role in clinical decision making, but hard decisions had to be made about how to use the resources at our disposal,” said AHRQ spokesperson Alison Hunt in an email. The operating budget for the NGC last year was $1.2 million, Hunt said, and reductions in funding forced the agency’s hand.

AND YET.....

Trump strikes $3.9 billion deal with Boeing for new Air Force One

By Jeff Zeleny and Dan Merica, CNN

Updated 11:53 AM ET, Tue February 27, 2018

Washington (CNN)President Donald Trump and Boeing have struck a deal over the development of two new Air Force One planes at a price tag of $3.9 billion, the White House and Boeing said Tuesday, and the President has asked for the planes to be ready by 2021.

Trump met with Boeing executives last Tuesday in the White House to finalize the deal.

Two officials said the President asked for the new plane to be done by 2021, the beginning of what would be a second term, which is three years sooner than the original plan of 2024. The two 747s are in California now, an official said, and Boeing will be done upgrading the planes by then, but the Air Force testing requirements could take an additional three years.

"He wants to fly on that new plane," a person familiar with the meeting said.

Air Force One's new refrigerators cost $24 million

For months, the President has been fixated on a new plane and has repeatedly told his aides that he wants the plane to be completed for his second term. It's an open question whether that can happen -- given a lengthy Air Force testing time.

The White House is touting this as a saving of more than $1 billion from the original estimate of $5 billion.

"President Trump has reached an informal deal with Boeing on a fixed price contract for the new Air Force One Program," White House spokesman Hogan Gidley told CNN. "Thanks to the President's negotiations, the contract will save the taxpayers more than $1.4 billion."

But the cost savings aren't entirely clear.

Trump -- shortly after winning the presidency in 2016 -- tweeted that the planes would cost $4 billion, not $5 billion.

A Boeing official said the price includes work to develop and build two presidential aircraft, including features unique to Air Force One such as a communications suite, internal and external stairs, large galleys and other equipment, as well as structural changes designed to protect and sustain the President and those on board for an extended period of time.

A rendering of the proposed Air Force One, provided by Boeing.

"Boeing is proud to build the next generation of Air Force One, providing American presidents with a flying White House at outstanding value to taxpayers," the Boeing company said in a statement Tuesday. "President Trump negotiated a good deal on behalf of the American people."

This includes some work already on contract, such as development and design work and two 747-8s. It also includes the engineering, manufacturing and development contract, which has not yet been awarded.

The informal deal was first reported by Fox News.

A White House official told CNN that the $3.9 billion deal would save taxpayers around $1.4 billion from the original estimate of over $5 billion for the two new planes.

"Boeing is building a brand new 747 Air Force One for future presidents, but costs are out of control, more than $4 billion," Trump wrote. "Cancel order!"

Twitter Ads info and privacy

Before the tweet, Trump told reporters that the cost of Air Force One were "ridiculous."

"I think Boeing is doing a little bit of a number," Trump said. "We want Boeing to make a lot of money, but not that much money."

The White House is touting this $3.9 billion deal as providing savings of more than $1 billion, an example of Trump's deal-making skills. But the fine print shows a more complicated story. The new Air Force One project was estimated at $4 billion in December 2016. Now, the White House and Boeing said that information was wrong, and it was actually $5 billion.

Boeing CEO Dennis Muilenburg and Trump talked the day after Trump's tweet and the CEO promised that the company would work to limit the cost of the new planes.

"Muilenburg congratulated Mr. Trump on his election win and committed to working with the new administration to control costs as they establish requirements for the new Air Force One to keep the program as affordable as possible and deliver the best value to American taxpayers," said Boeing's statement in December 2016.

More than a year after Trump famously tweeted "Cancel Order" the President and Muilenburg hammered out the new deal during a White House meeting last Tuesday.

The meeting, which was not on the President's daily schedule, came after nearly a year of lower-level meetings between Pentagon procurement officials and Boeing executives that, at times, reached deadlock.

The President, who has repeatedly expressed his exasperation at his aging aircraft, wanted to meet face-to-face with Muilenburg to reach the deal, two officials said. It was seen as rather unusual for the President to be directly involved in negotiations.

The President repeatedly asked in the meeting how soon the plane could be ready, two officials said, and was fixated on a time frame of at least 2021. It remains an open question whether the Air Force can complete its testing and modifications by then. It wasn't scheduled to be ready until at least 2024.

At issue was the price tag for the two 747 jumbo airplanes that the Air Force bought from Boeing last summer. The cost question concerned the modification process -- the conversion of normal jetliners into Air Force One.

"Cost estimates have always been over $5 billion," a White House official said today, adding the President-elect was operating off of "bad information in 2016."

The White House official said the new deal with Boeing would be "managed through over and above contract line items that will be negotiated concurrently with this final contract. The contract ensures quality and safety will not be compromised."

It has long been essential for Boeing to keep up a good relationship with the federal government. The company is a major defense contractor with about $26 billion worth of sales from US government contracts in 2015, which amounted to 27% of its annual revenue.

The current Air Force One planes began service in 1990 under former President George H.W. Bush and they are reaching near the end of their planned life.

********************************************************************************************************

******************************************************************

I don't know who wrote this but it sure fits our current situation today.

And there are signs EVERYWHERE!!
And so, we as a country, don't have enough money to support medical guidelines
 for the HHS but we can afford a new mutherfucking airplane for this gigantic asshole? 

Isn't it scary? Isn't it unbelievable?

Are you as frightened and as astounded and as outraged as I am?
Don't his shenanigans make you want to swear a lot more?

What do I do?! What can any of us do to stop this madness?

I am open for suggestions.

Thanks for reading,

Viva La Resistance!

Love, Lolly

Still Golden

I've been re-thinking about my answer to yesterdays post.
After hitting publish, I went back and reread it. It seemed vague.
It didn't "feel" truthful, ya know?
My only missed opportunity was not worshipping Jesus with my kids as they grew up?
That's it?! That's my one regret? That was my golden opportunity?
I don't think so.
So I ruminated on it all night and came up with this post.

Let me give you a preface first.

When I read that original question, What golden opportunities have you lost?
it got me thinking of all the bad things, the wrong choices I had made in my life.
It started a running tape in my head of   "If Only's".
For me, that's a bad place to be. I don't like to live in a place of   "If Only".
It keeps me down, it keeps me regretful, keeps me miserable, keeps me on that razors edge of panic.
I can easily break into a cold sweat of panic when I think about "If Only" one too many times.

*If only I had called the Veterinarians office sooner, the dog wouldn't be dying in my lap at 3:00am.
*If only I had checked to see if that candle was still lit as we left the house.
*If only I had called my mom yesterday to ask her how she was feeling.
*If only I had made sure the pool deck gate was closed and locked before I left.

None of those bad things have ever even happened but the If Only's can keep me awake at night.

So that "What golden opportunities have you lost?"  question feels like a negative question to me.
It's asking me to go back and remember when I missed a chance to be good or do better.
It's asking me to relive a chapter of my life that was perhaps not the best chapter for me, and asks me to think  "Gee, what could I have done better here?"
It's asking me to remember a loss that perhaps I could have prevented If Only I had seen the golden part of that opportunity. If only I hadn't been clueless as to what I was passing up.

In Al Anon they teach you this- You did the best you could with what you had at the time.
And it took me going to Al Anon to learn that.
So maybe that is the golden opportunity I missed...not finding Al Anon sooner.
But Al Anon also teaches you everything happens when it is supposed to happen.
What's that saying???




So maybe, yes, I do have one real golden opportunity that I might have missed.
I have wished that I had found Al Anon 28 years ago. I believe we both would have been better off.
Holy Cow! Can you imagine what him and I would be like today if we had gotten our shit together....uh oh....and "If Only" rears its ugly head again.
See what I mean?
There seems to be shame attached to that.
And I am sick of carrying any kind of shame around with me anymore.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We find ourselves when we are supposed to.
And Jesus shows up when He is supposed to.
Eventually we come to realize that everything is golden.
Everything that happens to us will teach us a lesson or show us a blessing.



Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

I'm Golden

Question #6 (from Plant Spirit Medicine-chapter on metal)

What golden opportunities have you lost?

Well, to be honest, I'm not sure.
How does one know if they lost a golden opportunity?
What has to happen to you and your life in order for you to say that you lost a golden opportunity?
Wouldn't you only be able to answer that question in hindsight, after something "bad" happened?
And since you most likely survived that something "bad"...wouldn't a body feel too much gratitude for having survived that situation to complain about a lost opportunity?
I know for me, although it took a while for me to admit this, getting fired forced me to see the toxic environment I had been working in.
I never thought of it as having lost a golden opportunity.
Maybe I've never lost a golden opportunity.
Hmmmm...well wouldn't that be just great?











I guess I could say that I missed a golden opportunity to raise my kids with Jesus,
but I sorta did raise them with Jesus.
They were all believers long before Jesus came and found me.
I took them to Sunday School and Vacation Bible School; I made sure they made their first communion and their 8th grade confirmation.
I sent them to Church camp for one week each Summer.
They loved camp so much that they all three became camp counselors for years afterwards.
But I didn't go to church or join in any of their church related activities.
Jesus was on the periphery of my life back then.
I didn't really know Him and I didn't want to get to know Him.

My girls are still believers. College ruined my boy for religion though. He's an agnostic.
Which is not a horrible thing, really because I now believe that Jesus comes to find you in His time, when He's ready, not when You are ready.

So maybe that was my missed golden opportunity. 

Maybe if I had been a better believer back then my son wouldn't be so negative about Jesus now.
Who knows?

Anyway... Have you ever lost a golden opportunity?

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly