Bad moon rising

*bad language warning

There are days when I feel like I am going to lose my fucking mind if one more person-

• asks me for something to do, or asks me for lunch and then doesn't fucking eat it,
• or calls my name, or calls me granny, or doesn't fucking call me at all,
• or accuses me of something that I didn't fucking do just to assign blame to someone, 
• or belittles me in front of others in such a way that fucking enrages me,
• or ignores me and walks away as I am still fucking talking,
• or blames me for something that I didn't do and have no fucking control over,
• or doesn't fucking listen to me because their own anxiety issues have caused them to become deaf.

Suffice it to say that I am feeling a bit put out and out of sorts and put upon lately and I have no one to blame but myself.
I am having a hard time saying no, but to contradict myself right here, I feel like all I do is scream NO at people lately.
No! Stop it! Get down! Shut up! Go Away! I SAID NO! No thanks. No I'm not going. NOOO!
(by the way, I only tell the dog to Shut Up! Never my kids, him or the grandkids...never)

I'm stretched too thin. I'm tired. I'm broken. I'm worn. I'm fed up. I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm stressed. I'm afraid. I'm aggravated. I'm too hard on myself and others.  And I am always sorry.

Sorry for flipping my lid. Sorry for yelling. Sorry for falling asleep. Sorry for not doing more. Sorry that they feel bad or sick or tired or worn themselves. Sorry I said anything. Sorry I asked.

Overwhelmed by their darkness or their anxiety or their problems.
Overwhelmed by my own.
Overwhelmed by the World and it's meanness, Overwhelmed by the rudeness and the hate I see.
Overwhelmed at being overwhelmed.

I reached out to a friend from high school...really just a FB friend now,
about a month ago.
She is into natural things like organic foods, chakras, and healing energy... that sort of thing.
I told her I was feeling stuck, that I had taken a test on-line and that I appeared to have all of my chakras blocked. I told her that I was going to go out on a limb and ask her if she could help me realign myself...help me become unblocked.
Now normally I don't go in for this sort of thing but I feel like I am stuck or blocked spiritually and I am desperately trying to find a way out of this mire.
I told her I was trying to teach myself how to meditate.
Inhale for a count of 8
Hold for a count of 8
Exhale for a count of 10

Her answer was- 
 "Yes! I can help you!  I am at work right now but keep meditating and I will get back to you!"
But she never has.  So. Do I reach out again? Did she forget? Do I leave it alone?
Do I keep on meditating? 8-8-10

• My sister-in-law swears by essential oils. Like they're a miracle cure. Diffusers, roller balls, different oils blended together, rubbed on the wrists and the feet.
• The lady who cuts my hair suggests I walk in the grass in my bare feet...connect to the Earth she says.
• The lady that does my eyebrows suggests a Klonipin and a hot Epsom Salt bath tinged with Lavender, sitting in the tub til the water grows cold.
• The lady that does my pedicures snarls at me in disgust and says "You hava heel clacks."

(sorry...my dark sense of humor made this extremely funny.
She said "You have heel cracks")
Which means what?? I want to know. And why is she so angry about it??

For that matter, why am I so angry?

• Why the rant at the beginning of this blog post?
• Why am I feeling like my fucking brain has caught on fire?
• Why do I feel like howling at the moon? 
• Why am I blocked? Why am I stuck?

• Why am I always yelling?
• Why am I letting others negativity attach itself to me? 
• Why don't I walk barefoot in the grass?
• Why don't I try that Klonipin and Lavender Epsom Salt bath??

• Bad Moon Rising-Creedence Clearwater Revival

I'm gonna go take me that bath and howl at the moon..
Maybe that'll fix whatevers ailing me.
I'll check back in tomorrow.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly