People in our hungry modern world are always scraping at the clay of their hearts.
They have a new thought, a new plan, a new syndrome, that now explains why they are the way they are. They have found an old memory that opens a new wound.
They keep on relentlessly, again and again, scraping the clay away from their own hearts.
In nature we do not see trees, for instance, getting seriously involved in therapeutic analysis of their root systems or the whole stony world that they had to avoid on their way to the light.
Each tree grows in two directions at once, into the darkness and out to the light with as many branches and roots as it needs to embody its wild desires.
Negative introspection damages the soul.
It holds many people trapped for years and years, and ironically, it never allows them to change.
It is wise to allow the soul to carry on its secret work in the night side of your life.
You might not see anything stirring for a long time.
You might have only the slightest intimations of the secret growth that is happening within you,
38. When have you isolated yourself?
I isolated myself after I got fired back in 2009. I was embarrassed, ashamed, lonely, miserable. I felt lost and unsure of myself, unsure of who to trust or who to talk to. Unsure of what I wanted to do.
I felt isolated again after the Intervention we had in 2010. That was a hard time for him as well as for me. We lost all of our friends when he quit drinking.
It's strange isn't it? A man decides to get better and loses his friends.
I found comfort in Jesus and confided that to one of those ex friends and she stopped talking to me.
39. How much time do you spend with live human beings? With electronic devices?
I spend all day everyday with human beings. My husband and my son live here and the grandkids are here Monday thru Friday 7:45am-5:00pm.
I am rarely alone.
I use my laptop to post and read blogs and for Pinterest. Other than that I use my IPhone for Instagram, FB, music, etc. I check Instagram the most. I love seeing other peoples pictures and the captions or stories that they attach to them. By the end of the day my battery is at 40%.
39. * (yes 39 again. I found a typo in this book. Some editor wasn't doing their job)
* When have you been happy?
Recently? I was happy when we were on vacation in Florida, but who's not happy at the ocean?
I'm happy when his truck pulls in the driveway at the end of the day.
I'm happy at the library.
I'm happy whenever I see the grandkids. I'm happy when it rains. I'm happy when my dog eats.
I was happy watching the royal wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.
I'm happy when I can spend time with my best friend.
I'm happy more than I'm sad.
40. When have you felt peaceful joy?
During a blizzard, when I know the people I love are safe and sound and snug in their own homes with plenty of food and no place to go. Then when night falls and it's freezing cold outside and the world has that quiet hush that happens after a deep snowfall, and everything feels peaceful and calm.
41. Who are the wise elders in your life? How often do you speak to them?
I don't have any wise elders that I consult with. My mother is still alive and lives 3 blocks over.
I talk to her a few times a week.
42. What do you see burning in your life?
At the moment, my muscles are burning because I weeded my gardens all day long on my knees.
My soul is burning, for what, I do not know. More Jesus, more prayer maybe.
I'm yearning and burning for friendships.
With the nicer weather I am burning some calories by walking every day.
***********************
At church this morning, the pastor asked the question- "Is there something in your soul that is not at rest? Or has something sucked the life out of you?" (See?? Coincidence! )
My answer is Yes. But I'm not sure what it is yet.
He then said that "Old dry bones can live again!"
And my first thought was the Lauren Diagle song Come Alive.
As we call out to dry bones come alive, come alive We call out to dead hearts come alive, come alive Up out of the ashes let us see an army rise We call out to dry bones, come alive
Fire, Ash, Burning, Rising...like a Phoenix.
I have burned through all 42 questions for the chapter on Fire.
Next up is Earth.
35 questions that have nothing to do with the actual planet Earth.
Are you intrigued?
33. Do you feel connected to nature?
Yes. I feel it by way of the colors, and sounds and smells.
The Sunshine and the Moon glow. Water, Earth, and Air.
I also feel it when I think of the growth process of a seed. Plant a seed, it grows a fruit, you eat the fruit and replant the seed, and it grows another plant, which will bear more fruit. Who but God could have dreamed up something like that?
And I love animals. When animals trust you it means something...you can see it in their eyes. Animals trust me not to harm them.
34. Do you feel loved by nature?
Yes. By hearing birdsong through the open window, feeding the Squirrels, Hummingbirds and Finches at my feeders, flowers thriving in my newly weeded gardens, hearing YAHWEH in the sound of the ocean waves, the smell of plants and flowers, the feel of good loamy soil in my hands, 70 degree days, cloud patterns, soft pattering rain, the delicate lace pattern of a single snowflake, a soft breeze ruffling the leaves, cool green grass under my feet, the way lake water feels like silk, Autumn leaves, the unmistakable smell of rain, the vast number of different types of trees- for food or shelter or shade.
35. How do you feel connected to God, Spirit or the Divine?
By listening to praise and worship music. By puttering around in my garden, going to church, reading my daily devotionals. I suppose that would be how I stay connected to God.
How do I feel connected to God tho??? By coincidental happenings. Too many times to count. Too many times for it to NOT count, get it? I feel and see Gods hand in everything. I don't understand how He can condone it or use it or let happen all of the awful things I see in this world. But I believe there is a better place, that we don't truly belong here, that this world is the place where we learn the lessons we're supposed to learn. I believe in heaven. I believe the body dies but the Soul goes on.
36. Who do you love? My family-
Art, Emily, Madelyn, Steven, Patrick, Fiona, Charlie, Delaney, Traci, my mom, Doreen, Vicki, Matt, Paul, Patrick, Cara, Melissa, McKenna, Ally, Parker, Brooks, Daniel, Jennie, Ellie, Jojo, Tommi, Robyn, Evan, Reese, Camden, Bryan, Amy, Billy, Adri, Mike, Adam, Kate, Trace, Jack, Robb, Stacy, Melodi, Patrick, Pammie, Stacey, Rhonda, Todd, Aunt Mar, Kelsyjane, Calliemae, Annabelle, Jordan.
Want I should list my second and third cousins too?
37. What do you love?
My husband, my kids, my grandkids
My favorite color- chocolate brown
Sleeping on soft sheets
Coffee with cream and sugar
Reading books
Worship and praise music
Everybody loves Raymond reruns
Andy Griffith reruns in black and white
Early Spring
Middle of Autumn
Dead of Winter
Rainy days
Blizzards
Riding our Harley
Crab Legs
Potatoes
Sweet Tea
Chihuahuas
Pedicures
The sight, sound and smell of the ocean
The scent of pine trees and Lemon Thyme and rain,
The smell of dirt, clean laundry, lavender and lilacs
(Seems like I should write a post about my favorite smells)
Six more questions to go.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly
28. Do you feel loved by your partner? Yes
Family? Yes
Friends? I don't have any friends. I have my best friend but she is also my sister-in-law so she falls under the category of family.
Associates? I don't have any associates.
29. When have you felt that you would never love again?
In high school when the boy I had a crush on, who didn't know I existed, started dating someone else.
30. When have you felt your heart overflowing with love?
The first time I laid eyes on every single one of my grandchildren right after they were born.
31. Do you know the people in your neighborhood?
The woman in the duplex to the left of us is single. She has 3 cats. Her name is Lauren and she is a personal trainer. The downstairs unit is empty.
The house to our right is also a duplex. A young family of Latinos lives up stairs-Dad, Mom and two small boys. There is a language barrier so I do not know their names. They keep to themselves.
The Latino "family" that lives downstairs in the two bedroom duplex also don't speak English. There are 8 adults and 4 children living there. Sometimes there are new faces...small children that go to school and then they are gone during the Summer and occasionally a teenager or two for the school year as well. I don't know any of their names.
(What the hell? is what I usually think to myself. I've been in that house and there ain't no way there is room for all of those "family" members to live comfortably. My guess is that they must be sleeping in the basement on cots or mattresses on the floor. The basement windows are covered in newsprint.)
They all seem nice enough but no one speaks english. Maybe the kids do. I don't know.
The woman across the street is 81, named Joann, and went to school with my mother. She and I talk gardening alot. She is a snow bird- meaning she lives here six months out of the year and in Arizona during the winter months.
The woman next to Joann, also across the street, is named Lisa and is renting that house til June 1st.
The family that lives behind us like to live large and throw parties during football season. They have an above ground swimming pool that looks questionable...the water is lime green. She works for a dentist and her name is Darlene. He works for the city road crew and his name is Terry. They have two grown children Kayla and TJ and the cutest little dog named Boo. She looks like a fox.
32. Do you have a community you feel connected to? Sort of. I like my church. I like the people that I know there. My entire family goes to church there. I feel comfortable there. Our Pastor grew up on a farm in Missouri and aside from the dumb ass farm jokes he's always making, he gives a pretty decent sermon.
Ten more questions to go in this series. Are you learning anything new about me? Should I do the next series of questions?
Lately it feels like I'm all alone here in Blogger land.
Anybody still reading this blog?
22. Do you perspire? Easily? With difficulty?
Yes. Easily. Enough said.
23. Do you have any circulatory problems? No
24. How do you feel about being in the sun? Sunny weather? Cloudy weather?
I contradict myself here. I like it when it is sunny on a day when we are going to the beach.
I appreciated that it was sunny every single day in Florida but I hate it when it is hot and humid.
I hate the feeling of my brain cooking.
I cannot work outside in the heat.
It wrecks me.
On cloudy days I wish it was sunny.
And I love gray rainy days.
25.When have you dreamed of fire or explosions?
Back in high school I had a dream like this.
It was pitch black, night time, and I was in the middle of a village. There were grass huts all around me and all of them were on fire. It seemed like a war zone. (Think Rambo) Lots of chaos.
I could see the orange glow of the tracer rounds as they whizzed by me and the next thing I knew I was surrounded by and wading thru waist deep water. That's all I remember.
26. Do you like bitter or burnt things, like coffee or burnt toast?
OMG YES!! Love love love burnt toast, or burned popcorn, black as ash roasted marshmallows, dark brown potato chips, the burned melted cheese on the pan from a pizza....need I go on?
Coffee is what flows through my veins. Gee...I wonder why I have anxiety and trouble sleeping?
27. What do you feel bitter about?
Two things.
One...He never went to AA. Not my business, I know, but it sort of IS my business too. I guess you could classify him as a dry drunk but he's nicer than a mean dry drunk. It does still piss me off a bit that I went to Al Anon and worked on my issues but he never got to the root of his own issues.
There are times in his life today when it is painfully obvious that he needs to go to an AA meeting, and it has nothing to do with his drinking. (He doesn't drink anymore. Been sober for 8 years)
There is a line in a Rhianna song that says- Funny you're the broken one But I'm the only one who needed saving.
This is true for me.
I wished we could have both gotten well together, I wanted it so bad. I had great plans for us.
I learned to live with his decision, and truthfully it doesn't bother me all that much anymore.
Two...His mother has been the proverbial mother-in-law for the last 35 years.
Only there isn't any comedy in her actions. She is a horrible person who has lied and spread gossip about me. She has called me an old hag who said I should be grateful that her son married me. She accused me of causing my daughters death and told people that I had a drinking problem and that was the reason why the baby died. She attempted to dig up the baby at the cemetery.
She told us we were bad parents and that God would take the rest of our children.
She has told me to my face that she gave my husband money to go find hisself a whore because men need a lot of sex. She blamed me for his drinking problem. She has tried to set him up with other women. I am not kidding you.
The bitter part for me is my husband doesn't tell her to stop saying these things about me.
He blames it on mental illness and while I believe that to be true, I still wish he would tell her off.
That's it for today,
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly
16. How do you feel at parties?
Parties?!?! Good God. Aside from family parties ie: Thanksgiving, Christmas and the occasional birthday party, I (we) don't go to parties. We don't get invited to any parties...well there was that retirement dinner last year for one of his coworkers.
It was pleasant, and the people were fun to be around. I (we) had a good time.
I'd like to do it again,
I'd like to go to a party that wasn't a family party but who has parties?
Family parties are loud, a tad bit stressful and very crowded. No one has a home big enough for all of us to fit comfortably.
There is a lot of standing involved, so we tend to keep them to a 2 hour minimum.
Do YOU go out to parties?
17. Have you heard any good jokes lately?
See question 18
18. How is your sex life?
See question 17
19. What do you do Wholeheartedly? Halfheartedly?
Wholeheartedly-Love my family. Love Jesus. Read books. Grocery shop and cook dinner. Yearn.
Halfheartedly-Clean house. Fold socks. Pull weeds out of the garden. Make friends. Journal.
20. Do you enjoy being with people? Honestly? No.
Immediate family ie: spouse, children, their spouses and grandchildren are not included in that.
And yet sometimes I feel like I am the loneliest person on this planet.
I mean who doesn't like to be with people?
But people aggravate me. They're in my way or too close to me in a grocery line. I hate the smell of too many people. I get claustrophobic in a crowded room. And if more than one person is coughing??
Geezaloo...I react like a germaphobe and I'm not, really I'm not. But it freaks me out if a lot of folks are coughing all of their germs into the air. I hate touching door knobs and anything in a public bathroom stall is off limits. Yikes. I guess I am a little bit of a germ freak, but not really.
21. How important is friendship to you?
I'd like to say very important. I have a best friend. She works. A lot. So much in fact that I only get to see her once every two months or so. No joke. She also has grown kids and a husband and two grandsons that she likes to spend time with. I fear that I am at the very bottom of her to do list. I've told her that I need more time with her. I've told her that I feel lonely and that we need to find the time to get together. I suggested an hour, once a week, on an evening when she is not working.
Maybe meet at the bookstore or go to a local coffee house for decaf.
She said she'd try. And then she didn't. Or maybe she did try. I don't know. All I know is we still never find the time to get together in person. We used to talk on the phone for hours at a time but that doesn't happen anymore either. When I'm available she's not. When she's available, I'm not.
We did do a Bible study together earlier this year at her church.
I ended up disliking the study (of course I did) but spending 2 hours together every Thursday night for 6 weeks was wonderful. I miss her.
More than words can convey.
These questions are making me feel a bit like a nutjob.
Sheesh. Writing myself well is making me feel a little bit unwell.
Oh well,
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly
13. Does your work bring you joy?
It should. And it does most days. To see these two race each other to the door to see who can be the first one in and give me a hug is rather heartwarming.
It took me awhile to realize that they were only racing each other and neither one was actually trying to get to me first.
They are cute and adorable and awful. Like most kids.
When they leave at night I miss them.
When they come back in the morning, it feels like I haven't laid eyes on them in weeks.
But then there are days like yesterday when they were fighting about who got to use the toilet first. They both had to go and they were physically fighting with each other, she had a her fists wrapped around part of his shirt, him trying to get her off by swatting at her arms...both of them crying and screaming "I have to go!" at the same time.
We have one bathroom, I shouted!! What do you want me to do??
Or today when they were fighting over a game of pick up sticks when they should have been eating breakfast. The bickering and not listening caused a few pick up sticks to land in her plate of cut-up waffles and syrup.
There was much howling and crying and the kids were crying too. (hahaha)
But I hate to send my 8 year old grandson to school sad because I yelled at him for not listening to me. It's a weird form of grandma guilt.
They ask me- "Granny? Why do you yell so loud?"
sigh...I don't know why I yell so loud. I just do. But it helps to remind myself that I am not the only yeller. And it helps when I remind myself to reread The Vow.
My Vow to Soften
I’ve had enough of my hard edges. I’m tired of straining my voice. I’d like to loosen up and laugh a little more, Be a positive rather than a negative.
I’d like to feel the upward curve of my lips. I’d like to surrender control of things in which I have no control. I’d like to let things unfold in their own time, in their own way. I’d like to participate joyfully in this fleeting life.
I’d like to be softer towards him, towards her, towards me.
I vow to listen to opinions – I don’t always have to be right. I don’t always have to agree or have the last word.
I vow to hand over the hairbrush, the pile of laundry, the school project, the task before us. “How would you do it?” I will ask. I vow to step aside and respect a new approach. Success might be difficult to see at first; I vow to keep looking.
I vow to be more accepting of quirks and mannerisms. I vow to be more accepting of tastes and styles unlike my own.
I vow to remember he is in the process of becoming; she is in the process of finding her way. And they are more apt to do it if I stop telling them how.
I vow to regard “weaknesses” as hidden strengths. Inner gifts can be nurtured when I stop plotting ways to alter, change, and “improve”.
I vow to greet my family and myself with a loving smile, no matter what happened yesterday. Grudge holding only hurts us all.
I vow to pause before correcting. I shall take a moment to consider if the mistake even needs to mentioned at all.
I vow to stop nitpicking until it bleeds.
I vow to demand less and inquire more.
I vow to listen Consider and expand my thinking.
I vow to be a voice of encouragement in a demeaning world.
I vow to be a silver lining spotter in my family’s little world.
I vow to be softer today than I was yesterday—a softer voice, a softer posture, a softer touch, a softer thought, a softer timetable.
I vow to be softer towards the imperfect human being inside me and beside me.
By being softer, I can hear more, learn more, feel more, and love more. At last I will fully see.
I will see his colors. I will see her colors. I will see my colors Perhaps for the very first time.
The colors might take my breath away Bring me to tears and offer long-awaited peace.
I shall soften in order to illuminate the colors of the soul.
I shall soften so the human being within me and beside me can shine.
14. Does your family life bring you joy?
Can I take the 5th on this question? Because the true answer is Yes it does and No it doesn't. Maybe there is too much gray area that would best be kept to myself in order to protect the innocent. I don't mean to be cryptic or flippant. Everybody has little things that irritate them about other family members and my family is no exception to that rule. Let's just say that these days I am happy and grateful and filled with joy more often than not.
Joy to the fishys in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me.
*************************************************************
15. When have you felt vulnerable and unprotected?
Lately? Not often. On occasion I feel a little bit vulnerable when I post certain things not knowing how it is coming across to my readers..."Good Lord, should I have typed that?? Should I have told them that?"
Twenty five years ago during his active drinking I was vulnerable every single day. His choice of weaponry when he was bombed was never his fists. It was his words. Cruel, horrible things were said to me, things I've never told a single soul. He would apologize the next day, I'd forgive him after a week of the silent treatment and so the abuse would continue, unabated for nearly 28 years.
It took the death of my sister, which fractured my family, the death of my dog, the loss of my job and with that went the last shred of my courage and self respect.
I was grief stricken, depressed, adrift...not knowing what to do to save myself.
Jesus found me one day, saved me and led me to the Interventionist who would in time save us all.
The best thing that Intervention counselor ever said to me was this- "Have you figured out yet that the intervention wasn't done for him? That is was done to save You?"
Psalm 18:16-24The Message
But me he caught—reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!
God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I’m alert to God’s ways; I don’t take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I’m watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
Joy to the world, indeed. Joy to MY world.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly
11. When have you felt out of control?
Hmmmm.... I'm not sure. When the kids were small and I'd have PMS, I'd yell a lot. I felt angry and out of control then, but it passed as soon as the hormones fluctuated back again. But out of control?? I'm not too sure that I have ever been out of control. I was too much of a control freak to feel out of control.
12. When have you tried to control others?
Ah. Now this question I can answer.
I'd try and control the children when they were small; wanting them to behave when out in public or to not act up in a restaurant.
I do the same now with the grand kids and feel guilty about it.
I didn't feel guilty when it was my owns kids, and I am reminded about this fact daily by my adult kids.
And let's see...probably from 1985 until 2010 I'd try to control his drinking.
Those were our bad years.
We crashed and burned at the end of 2010 and that's when Al Anon and Jesus saved me by teaching me to Let go and let God.
Personally I like the saying Let go or be dragged.
Because isn't that the honest to God truth? Carrying around other peoples problems can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. It gets so heavy at times and a body can find herself on her knees and not know what to do under all that weight.
When life knocks you down on your knees remember you’re in the perfect position to pray.
Learning to let go of the stuff that is not meant for you to carry is a hard thing. But once you get it, you are much more likely to never pick back up that stuff that was never yours to be carried anyway. Does that make any sense to you?
And so all these years later I find myself trying to write my way off of this mountain that I thought I had to carry, all by myself, while being isolated and quiet.
Writing is healing. A way to process the thoughts that are on a circuit in my brain that only goes in one direction....round and round and round. These questions are helping me find a new direction.
I am writing myself well friends. One question at a time.
Question ten asks- When have you felt disheartened?
1. When I realized that I will only ever have four grandchildren
2. The day after djt got elected
3. When our Pastor left our church after telling us the month before that he wasn't leaving
4. When we realized that none of the condo windows opened in Florida 2 weeks ago
5. Last year when rabbits ate my entire Strawberry crop
6. Finding no fish in my daughters Koi pond after the ice thawed. 20 fish were gone
7. Forget-me-nots(a perennial plant) never survive in my garden. I replant them every.single.year.
8. When I got fired 9 years ago
9. The first few moments after euthanizing a pet (Mojo, Junior, & Pup)
10. No longer being part of the Fire Fighter Community. He does work as a fire inspector but it is totally not the same vibe at all, for either of us
Question number 9 threw me for a loop-When have you felt heartbroken?
I answered the heartbreak question only as it pertained to death and dying.
After I posted it I thought to myself "Wait a minute!"
There are so many other things that one could claim as heart breaking.
Such as-
1. Both of my daughters being told that they could no longer bear more children. They both have one of each..a boy and a girl. But neither one was done having children yet. Or so they thought. And while my older daughter had no choice but to get a hysterectomy, she has handled it better than my younger daughter who wanted at least two more children and still mourns the loss of more.
We, all of us, understand the weird selfishness of this...there are women in this world who would like to have had one child, and here are my girls mourning the loss of future non existent children but the feelings are still there all the same.
And as for me, I too feel a little heartbroken that I will only have 4 grandchildren.
My blogger friend Julie has eleven grandchildren. 11 !!! Another woman I know at church has 7. My own mother was blessed with 17 grandchildren. I would've liked to have more too.
2. Our early years of being married were rough. Really rough. We had 4 children in 6 years and to be honest I don't know how that could have possibly even happened. We were always at war him and I.
I didn't like him all that much those first 10 years. He had started to drink heavily and was a miserable bastard when he was drunk. The booze turned him mean and ornery. There were rumors of affairs, but he claims not. There were occasions of women calling the house, phone numbers found in his pockets, lapses of time with no explanation of where he'd been.
If I had to take a guess, I'd say that he left me and the children at least five times.
Each time he left it broke my heart a little bit more until that last time when he threatened it and I told him to just do it all ready. That I was tired of living with a foot in either world. Pee or get off the pot!
Why does a body put up with shit like this? In my case, I was young, I had 3 kids and no way of supporting them on my own. We were too poor to get a divorce. There was nowhere for either one of us to go. Well...he could always go home to his mother which he did sometimes. But he hates his mother as much as I do, so her house was not a place of respite if that's what he was looking for. I don't honestly know what he was looking for back then. I know he kept trying to find his answers at the bottom of a bottle. Took him 28 years to discover wasn't nothing at the bottom but more heartache.
3. Sick, injured or abused animals make my heart break. I can't tell you how many times I have cried over some animal I've seen on the news being mistreated. It makes me hate human beings. On Instagram when someone puts up a pic of their beloved pet saying "Rover went over the rainbow bridge today" it makes me weep. Some of these people I don't even know! I don't know if that Rainbow Bridge makes me happy or sad.
4. The final thing I'd like to say about being heartbroken was when I was fired 9 years ago.
The heartbreaking part was all of my co-workers who I thought were my friends, not calling me or not remaining friends with me afterwards. I reached out to them. I needed to talk to people who I thought were my friends, people who I thought would stand by me or stand up for me or defend me or at the very least listen to me as I cried and swore and railed about the injustice done to me. But to a man, no one answered my calls. No one texted me back. It was as if I had been Shunned. I couldn't get anyone to respond to me or talk to me at all. I felt abandoned, heartbroken, alone, shamefilled.
It was one of the loneliest times of my life.
But that was also when Jesus found me. I can't say that I found Jesus when I was at my lowest. Jesus found me, He did. He picked me up and He saved me. And my life has never been the same.
Now if Jesus could help me find a few close friends, well... that would be swell.
All of this heartbreak convinces me that I truly am an Empath. I feel things differently than others.
I feel things deeper, things stay with me longer. Things hurt me easier. My mother always told me I was too sensitive for my own good.
Was that a warning or an insult?
I got 8. Eight out of eight.
I'm exhausted. Maybe I'll take a break and come back in a day or two. We will see.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly
p.s. I could go on......
hungry children
social injustice
native americans
djt
global warming
homeless people
victims of schoolyard bullies
Writing down the bones *I want to make a clarification here. Writing Down the Bones is a book by Natalie Goldberg. I liked the title...it spoke to me. I liked the idea of "writing down the bones"... of getting my thoughts out, freeing up space in my overly cluttered and always racing mind. But the questions that I am answering here are from a book titled Plant Spirit Medicine by Eliot Cowan. There are five separate elements that I am answering questions about. Each chapter has at least 30 questions to answer. The section that I am doing now is Fire. Then there is Earth. Metal. Water. and finally Wood. I should have, and will from now on, include the intro to each element that appears in the book. Fire- By answering these questions, you can savor and explore your relationship to the element of Fire. Relax for a moment by a flame-a candle flame would be fine. Enjoy the blaze, thank it for its presence, and invite it to shed light on your experiences. Consider these questions one by one, and address the answer to the fire itself. Feel free to laugh or cry. Say what is in your heart. Contradict yourself if you like. Honest answers are right answers.
9. When have you felt heartbroken?
Instinctively, I want to type out my answer as-
When my dad died or when my daughter died or when my sister died.
And that answer would be true, as it was, at the time that those incidences happened. Is there a death that doesn't break somebodies heart?
But my clearest, sharpest memory of being heartbroken is when I had to put down my dog.
Now, while I don't want to sound like some sort of monster-
"I was more heartbroken over the death of my dog than the death of my daughter", the case remains that it is true.
I wonder if it's because I had a choice in the matter, I got to decide that it was his time to go.
And then for me, it begs the question,
Does God get heartbroken when HE decides that it's a persons time to go?
My daughter was stillborn due to an umbilical cord accident.
My dad died of Mulitple Myeloma (a form of blood/bone Cancer). He was 57.
My sister died of a rare disease called Blastomycosis of the brain. She was 48.
My dog would have died from Pancreatitis except his health was failing so quickly that I called the Vet and had him put down. I didn't want him to suffer.
He was 14. (Yes, yes, I know. Fourteen years for a dog is pretty good.)
In the case of my daughter, I went into labor at six at night. We got to the hospital and they started the usual procedure...hospital gown on, pulse and BP checked, baby monitor strapped on...and nothing.
No sounds. The nurse looked at me, and said "Hang on a sec..I'll be right back." She came back with both of my OB/GYN's. Things went fast after that. So many Dr.'s and nurses and techs all running around shouting things to each other. Breaking my water only to see the look on their faces when it didn't gush out clear... there was meconium in it. (baby poop)
I prayed and begged. I promised God that I would go to church,
EVERY SUNDAY FROM NOW ON
if He would wake me from this nightmare. I wanted it to be a nightmare.
Please God Please.
When they discovered that the umbilical cord was around her 3 times, the Dr. explained that had she been born alive there most likely would have been some brain damage due to a lack of oxygen. Something about that being her diagnosis or that being what her life would have been like-
brain damaged, made me thankful that God hadn't abandoned her or us, and that perhaps God in His infinite wisdom and mercy had saved us all from a life of heartache.
I remember looking back at the hospital over my shoulder while we were driving away the next day. It felt wrong to be leaving her there. I remember crying for days. I cried so hard that I lost my ability to smell for a few days. My husband grew quiet and hid out in the basement so often that I grew afraid, imagining that I'd find him hanging from the rafters one day. Death does strange things to heartbroken people.
In the case of my dad, we prayed and begged for healing. But dad was healed in heaven as they say.
My mother lost her mind for a bit through his sickness and dying and it turned her mean, and angry.
She was bitter, spiteful and unable to cope. She wished death on us all. And was unable to admit that he was dying as he literally lay there dying. When I tried to get her to understand what was actually about to happen, she called for hospital security to remove me from his room. When he died she would have willingly traded one of us kids to go in his place if God would let her have her beloved husband back. We jokingly referred to it as The Monkey's Paw moment. There was a lot of dark humor that saw us through that time. What broke my heart the most was not that my poor father had finally succumbed to the cancer that had ravaged his body. It was the heartbreak of my mother wanting to exchange my life for his, telling me that she didn't care if I lived or died at the moment. Her ugly words and insane ranting hurt me deeply, even though I knew she was grieving and in mourning, but so was I. So were we all, my brother and sisters. How do you repair that kind of a broken heart?
I've posted about my sisters death before, how it fractured the family and turned us into two warring factions; those that wanted her life support system turned off and those that wanted her plugged in for the rest of her life dependant on those machines for breathing and feeding.
The heartbreaking part for me was losing the sister that I confided in. She was my secret keeper.
I never got to say good bye to her. Her illness progressed so rapidly that one day she was talking and the next she was in a coma. I miss talking to her. I miss having someone to confide in. I miss her.
I knew it was time a week before I made the decision to put down my dog.
He'd become incontinent. He rarely ate. He stayed hidden in his little dog bed, curled under a blanket.
It wasn't until afterwards that I found he'd been vomiting quite frequently underneath that blanket.
I never heard him throw up. Not once. Not until the morning I called the Vet.
They gave him a sedative the minute we got into that exam room. We all knew it was his time.
I held him as he got drowsy. I put my nose to his, he licked the tip of my nose and closed his eyes.
I whispered in his ear "Mom loves her boy" and it was done.
Truth?? I didn't cry while typing any of these stories until I got to the one about my dog.
It still breaks my heart that he was so ill at the end. I miss him so much that even thinking about his last little kiss to my nose can make me cry. I miss how he used to spoon with me during naps. I miss watching him eat his kibble and wagging his tail the whole time...just so happy to be eating.
Losing him made me feel like I never wanted another dog. I feel like the pain of losing another animal outweighs the joy they give. We do have my husbands dog, a Chihuahua name Kena, and I love her like crazy, but she is his dog.
And we all know it. He knows it. I know it. Kena knows it.
So for now, I love her and feed her and clean up after her and she is my dog,
but mostly she's not.
I'm too heartbroken to get another dog just yet. Maybe never again.
I could probably go on and on about heartbreak. It feels like I just scratched the surface of this subject. That is telling, isn't it??
Maybe my next book should be The Grief Club by Melody Beattie.
7. What or whom do you feel passionate about? Definition of passionate- Showing,or caused by, strong feelings or a strong belief. Synonyms:intense, impassioned, ardent, fervent, vehement, heated, emotional, heartfelt, eager, excited, animated, adrenalized, spirited, energetic, fervid, frenzied, fiery, wild, consuming, violent
Uh..... how bad is it that I can't answer this question? At the moment I don't feel passionate about a single person or thing. Well the grandkids certainly, but that's love, not passion.
I am passionate about reading so I guess there's that. And I like gardening in the Spring.
8. What do you do for fun?
.....crickets chirping......Besides riding our Harley, ya mean?
What on Gods green earth is the matter with me? I can't think of an answer for this question either.
What's even worse is that the real answer is that I don't believe that I (we) do anything for fun other than riding our Harley in nice weather. And while that is fun, it's only him and I on that thing. I guess my idea of fun would be or should include, more than just us. A group of people, ya know??
Last summer we went out to dinner with a couple we've known for 35 years. I laughed most of the night...they are a fun couple. The only problem is that they don't ever call us to do anything. It is always us who does the pursuing. After a while it makes a person feel weird to always be the one to call and ask for a playdate.
Isn't that weird to you? Don't you think it's strange that they don't initiate outings with us?
Also, we went to a retirement dinner for my husbands coworker in October. Eight of us sat at a table and they were all so funny and gracious. I mentioned at the end of the night that wouldn't it be fun to all get together again sometime soon? They all agreed and phone numbers were exchanged.
Again... no one has called us. Why do I always have to be the one who calls and does the planning?
(meanwhile him and I sit at home and watch Netflix or reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.)
Guess I know what I'm going to have to do if I ever want to have some sort of fun again.
The introvert in me is crying right now...just so you know.
*that blog title was a bit misleading, no?
Sorry for the short post today. Question #9 is a doozy so it's getting it's own post tomorrow.
Stay tuned,
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly
Writing down the bones series
Questions 2-6
(I'll try to keep my answers brief or good lord this is gonna take me a lifetime to finish)
2. How do you feel in hot weather? Cold weather?
Hot weather pisses me off. I feel angry and sweaty and irritated. It shortens my temper. Little things irritate me that shouldn't. Clothes are tight and hot and when they stick to me it makes me feel fat.
Hot weather is usually associated with high humidity too. Humidity renders me insane. It's hard to breathe and it makes me feel like a sluggard. And also it wrecks my hair. On really bad days I want to shave my head bald. There are days when there is no way to cool off ever and i feel like I will die of the heat.
Cold weather is easier to breathe in. I like cold weather. Snow in the forecast?? Woot!! I love it when November rolls around and the air is crisp and cold. Hot coffee and a flannel shirt? Yes, please. I can always find a way to dress in layers during the cold season. Feeling a smidgeon chilly? Pull on an extra sweater or cozy up under a blanket. The cold weather makes me feel energized.
3. Do you go "hot and cold" about people? About things?
I change my mind sometimes, is that the same thing? Not about people but about things. In regards to people, usually once a body has hurt me or my feelings, if there isn't a heartfelt apology then I write that person off. Not in a mean way. I just avoid them and/or stop talking to them.
4. How do you feel about hot food? Hot music?
Hot food, as in spicy food? Nope. I hate it. No spicy food for this girl. I hate that heat in the back of my throat. And once it's there, my whole meal will be ruined. Hell, my whole night will be ruined!
Hot music?? Meaning....? What? Are we talking Latin Salsa music? Or music that gets your heart rate up? Meh...I don't know. I listen to a variety of music but I wouldn't call any of it hot.
5. Do you wear red clothes? Would you buy a red car? Live in a red house?
I have a couple of red shirts so I guess I would wear red clothes. Red car? No. But our Harley is red.
Red house? Maybe. Depends on the design of it I suppose.
6. How do you feel about Summer?
I want to like Summer, I do. I like the idea of it. No school, lazy days to do nothing but lay around or go to the beach or ride bikes. Ice cream on a hot night, running barefoot thru the green cool grass, catching lightning bugs to put in an empty pickle jar with a handful of grass and a stick, lemonade or iced tea out by the pool, getting a suntan, taking a vacation to go camping in the woods, sleeping late or sleeping in, and naps with the curtains billowing out thru the open window. Picnics outside with hot dogs and burgers, potato salad and watermelon.
But the truth is Summer is hot and boring. And I detest watermelon. I know bees are necessary for pollination but I dislike their stingers. I hate pulling weeds. I hate the way weeds smell.
Small kids playing Marco Polo at the pool make me want to scream.
My bones and joints hurt too much to sleep on the hard ground in a tent so no more camping.
But when him and I take ourselves on a 3 day Harley ride?? I surely don't mind sleeping on crisp cotton sheets in an air-conditioned hotel room.
And also when we ride, I don't mind smelling strawberry fields or pine forests from my perch on the seat behind him.
But Summer is usually too hot for me. It saps my strength most of the time.
I want to like it but I don't.
That's it for this addition.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly
I've been reading a book titled Writing Down the Bones. It's about learning to write your story.
I've also read Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott.
It's basically the same thing...learning how to write and tell your own story.
Then I stumbled across thisbook
(although to be truthful I think this book was put in my path for a reason).
There are a series of questions at the end of some of the chapters.
As I started to peruse these questions, an idea popped into my head...
These would make great blog posts I thought to myself.
They are not your run of the mill get to know you questions.
And in the first list there are 42 questions to answer.
So I figured I would break it down into answering maybe 6 questions a day.
Some of the questions might need a whole blog post to just answer that question in particular.
I am even going to give this series a Label on my blog...How exciting is that??
(woot! I mean can you even stand it?)
So, without further ado, here is question #1
1. When was the last time you had a really good laugh?
Down in Florida last week I asked my husband to help me take a selfie of the two of us on the beach so I could post it on my Instagram account.
I kept trying to set-up the "perfect" shot and he was holding down the shutter the whole time.
There are numerous pictures of me holding out my hand, telling him to stop, and all I could hear was the clicking sound of him taking picture after picture. I'm not sure what made me start laughing cuz honestly, that sort of thing would normally piss me right off, but laugh I did.
I laughed until I cried. And there are pictures of me doing that too.
I cannot tell you the last time that man made me laugh. It felt wonderful to do so.
Sitting on the beach with the wind blowing my hair every which way, the sand on my feet, the sound of the surf in my ears, seagulls flying overhead, dolphins swimming past (a pod of 10!), our little cooler full of turkey sandwiches and iced tea wedged between us, and him taking pictures of me...
pictures that I don't want to delete because they show me laughing and crying and a few with him smiling in the background, his own unintended target.
It made me feel normal, it made us seem normal...two really white people laughing on the beach clearly on a vacation, seeming to be having the time of their lives. And we were.
When was the last time YOU had a really good laugh?
