When Jeremiah was a bullfrog or Joy to the World

13. Does your work bring you joy?
It should. And it does most days. To see these two race each other to the door to see who can be the first one in and give me a hug is rather heartwarming.
It took me awhile to realize that they were only racing each other and neither one was actually trying to get to me first.
They are cute and adorable and awful. Like most kids.
When they leave at night I miss them.
When they come back in the morning, it feels like I haven't laid eyes on them in weeks.
But then there are days like yesterday when they were fighting about who got to use the toilet first. They both had to go and they were physically fighting with each other, she had a her fists wrapped around part of his shirt, him trying to get her off by swatting at her arms...both of them crying and screaming "I have to go!" at the same time.
We have one bathroom, I shouted!! What do you want me to do??
Or today when they were fighting over a game of pick up sticks when they should have been eating breakfast. The bickering and not listening caused a few pick up sticks to land in her plate of cut-up waffles and syrup.
There was much howling and crying and the kids were crying too. (hahaha)
But I hate to send my 8 year old grandson to school sad because I yelled at him for not listening to me. It's a weird form of grandma guilt.
They ask me- "Granny? Why do you yell so loud?"
sigh...I don't know why I yell so loud. I just do. But it helps to remind myself that I am not the only yeller. And it helps when I remind myself to reread The Vow.

My Vow to Soften

I’ve had enough of my hard edges.
I’m tired of straining my voice.
I’d like to loosen up and laugh a little more,
Be a positive rather than a negative.

I’d like to feel the upward curve of my lips.
I’d like to surrender control of things in which I have no control.
I’d like to let things unfold in their own time, in their own way.
I’d like to participate joyfully in this fleeting life.

I’d like to be softer
towards him,
towards her,
towards me.

I vow to listen to opinions – I don’t always have to be right.
I don’t always have to agree or have the last word.

I vow to hand over the hairbrush, the pile of laundry, the school project,
the task before us. “How would you do it?” I will ask.
I vow to step aside and respect a new approach.
Success might be difficult to see at first; I vow to keep looking.

I vow to be more accepting of quirks and mannerisms.
I vow to be more accepting of tastes and styles unlike my own.

I vow to remember he is in the process of becoming; she is in the process of finding her way.
And they are more apt to do it if I stop telling them how.

I vow to regard “weaknesses” as hidden strengths.
Inner gifts can be nurtured when I stop plotting ways to alter, change, and “improve”.

I vow to greet my family and myself with a loving smile, no matter what happened yesterday.
Grudge holding only hurts us all.

I vow to pause before correcting.
I shall take a moment to consider if the mistake even needs to mentioned at all.

I vow to stop nitpicking until it bleeds.

I vow to demand less and inquire more.

I vow to listen
Consider
and expand my thinking.

I vow to be a voice of encouragement in a demeaning world.

I vow to be a silver lining spotter in my family’s little world.

I vow to be softer today than I was yesterday—a softer voice, a softer posture, a softer touch, a softer thought, a softer timetable.

I vow to be softer towards the imperfect human being inside me and beside me.

By being softer, I can hear more, learn more, feel more, and love more.
At last I will fully see.

I will see his colors.
I will see her colors.
I will see my colors
Perhaps for the very first time.

The colors might take my breath away
Bring me to tears
and offer long-awaited peace.

I shall soften in order to illuminate the colors of the soul.

I shall soften so the human being within me and beside me can shine.

© Rachel Macy Stafford 2016

14. Does your family life bring you joy?
 Can I take the 5th on this question? Because the true answer is Yes it does and No it doesn't. Maybe there is too much gray area that would best be kept to myself in order to protect the innocent. I don't mean to be cryptic or flippant. Everybody has little things that irritate them about other family members and my family is no exception to that rule. Let's just say that these days I am happy and grateful and filled with joy more often than not.
Joy to the fishys in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me.

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15. When have you felt vulnerable and unprotected?
Lately? Not often. On occasion I feel a little bit vulnerable when I post certain things not knowing how it is coming across to my readers..."Good Lord, should I have typed that?? Should I have told them that?" 
Twenty five years ago during his active drinking I was vulnerable every single day. His choice of weaponry when he was bombed was never his fists. It was his words. Cruel, horrible things were said to me, things I've never told a single soul. He would apologize the next day, I'd forgive him after a week of the silent treatment and so the abuse would continue, unabated for nearly 28 years.
It took the death of my sister, which fractured my family, the death of my dog, the loss of my job and with that went the last shred of my courage and self respect.
I was grief stricken, depressed, adrift...not knowing what to do to save myself.
Jesus found me one day, saved me and led me to the Interventionist who would in time save us all.
The best thing that Intervention counselor ever said to me was this-
"Have you figured out yet that the intervention wasn't done for him? 
That is was done to save You?"

Psalm 18:16-24 The Message

But me he caught—reached all the way
    from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
    the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
    but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
    I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

 God made my life complete
    when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
    he gave me a fresh start.
Now I’m alert to God’s ways;
    I don’t take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
    I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
    and I’m watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
    when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

Joy to the world, indeed. Joy to MY world.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly