Just let it be

11. When have you felt out of control?
Hmmmm.... I'm not sure. When the kids were small and I'd have PMS, I'd yell a lot. I felt angry and out of control then, but it passed as soon as the hormones fluctuated back again. But out of control??  I'm not too sure that I have ever been out of control.  I was too much of a control freak to feel out of control.

12. When have you tried to control others?
Ah. Now this question I can answer.
I'd try and control the children when they were small; wanting them to behave when out in public or to not act up in a restaurant.
I do the same now with the grand kids and feel guilty about it.
I didn't feel guilty when it was my owns kids, and I am reminded about this fact daily by my adult kids.
And let's see...probably from 1985 until 2010 I'd try to control his drinking.
Those were our bad years. 
We crashed and burned at the end of 2010 and that's when Al Anon and Jesus saved me by teaching me to Let go and let God.

Personally I like the saying Let go or be dragged.
Because isn't that the honest to God truth? Carrying around other peoples problems can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. It gets so heavy at times and a body can find herself on her knees and not know what to do under all that weight.

 When life knocks you down on your knees remember you’re in the perfect position to pray.

Learning to let go of the stuff that is not meant for you to carry is a hard thing. But once you get it, you are much more likely to never pick back up that stuff that was never yours to be carried anyway.
Does that make any sense to you?

And so all these years later I find myself trying to write my way off of this mountain that I thought I had to carry, all by myself, while being isolated and quiet.

Writing is healing. A way to process the thoughts that are on a circuit in my brain that only goes in one direction....round and round and round. These questions are helping me find a new direction.

I am writing myself well friends. One question at a time.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly