Monday, March 19, 2012

Working Woman

I worked at a desk job that I loved for 14 years. I put my heart and soul and even my identity into that job. I let my kids become latch-key kids and my husband made dinner most nights. I worked 10-12 hours a day, straight through with no breaks and no lunch, 4 days a week. The more work they gave me, the more I did. Thought I was being real productive eating at my desk while furiously working away and I even learned to ignore the sensation of having a full bladder. I told myself that I was too busy to "go". I loved the recognition of a job well done. I loved the paychecks and the hefty bonuses. And since my husband made the money that supported us, I was free to spend that paycheck as I saw fit. In other words....on my self. Clothes, clothes and more clothes. Jewelry to match those clothes. Shoes, boots, and sandals to go with those outfits. Got my haircut every 6 weeks and a Mani/Pedi every 4. Thought that I had everything I needed and thought that I had my life together. Yessiree, Bub...I was living the high life. Unfortunately so was my husband. Only his high life came from abusing alcohol. And I kept that dirty little secret hidden from as many people as I could. (Or so I like to believe.) The more he drank, the angrier I got because I couldn't control it or him. And the angrier I got the more I started to lose control. I could feel the anger and hatred radiating off of me in waves. My home life was absolutely miserable. The anger and resentment that swirled around inside our house was palpable and I couldn't help but start bringing it to my work place.  And that anger is what finally did me in at work. I didn't have a clue how angry and miserable I really was or how I had been treating others until I walked in to work one day and was fired. Fired! To say that I was taken by surprise was an understatement. It was a punch to  the gut that literally rendered me speechless. I had believed that I was irreplaceable, that the place would fall apart without me. That no one could do what I had been doing with all of my so-called  efficiency. And it took me 3 (very long) years  after I was fired to realize what an absolute terror I had become to my family and to the people that I had worked with. Ya know, it's funny. In the past I would have, and did, blame him and his drinking for my attitude and my anger. Justified my lousy behavior against his lousy behavior. Thank you Alanon for giving me the tools, the insight, the access to my Higher power....everything I needed to put myself back together. It was a looong fall and  I am slowly, but surely climbing my way back outta this dark hole that I dug for myself. I can see the light up above me and it's getting lighter and brighter all the time.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

But, but.......

I have a problem with always being right...ahem...always thinking that I am right. But all is quiet over here after the incident with my daughter and her fiance. And I do mean quiet. But I haven't heard from either one of them about my FB message to Mike. But I have talked to Lynnie but she made no mention of the FB post. But perhaps she doesn't know that I sent it to him. But, hey...lesson learned....stay out of their business. But it felt good at the time to voice my opinion. But it doesn't feel so good a few days later when all I hear is silence. But it does feel more like I put in my two cents when it wasn't my place to do so. But she was so upset at the time and  I felt like I needed to fix their disagreement...and there it is......I felt like I needed to "fix" their disagreement. Note to self... But out!!! I still need to learn how to NOT fix other peoples problems. I could have empathized with her about her feelings and I should have let her figure out how to fix their disagreement on her own. But it made me sad to know that he made her cry and he made her feel bad about her issues with anxiety. But I was only trying to help her. But I worried about making the situation worse, but I posted that message to FB anyway. But did I learn anything from this? Yep, but I don't want to say cuz it might make me see the errors of my ways. But, tomorrow is another day to get it right....right??

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Letter to my daughter's fiance

I don't like it when my kids cry. Especially since they are all adults and crying for them now at their age usually means that someone has hurt them emotionally. My middle daughter Lynnie called last night after her fiance hurt her feelings. She was afraid to travel on the snowy roads and her anxiety was thru the roof. Unfortunately, he didn't have a lot of compassion for her anxiety last night and he ended up hurting her heart by being callous. She was sooo sad about his lack of understanding. It made me furious. So I messaged him on FB and here is what I said-
 Not really my business to get involved here, but I'm gonna say it anyway and hope that I don't regret it...
True Story- My sister has anxiety issues. Deathly afraid of being trapped behind a locked door. Especially bathroom doors. Public bathrooms to be exact. So when we travel, either Raul or I wait for her outside the bathroom door so no one can walk in on her. She cannot get herself to lock the matter what.
And it so happened that once, AND only once did I see this happen, that the bathroom door sort of got stuck. We were in a Mom and Pop diner in Wisconsin and it was a small place; kinda like the Olympic at Cedar Lake Lodge. There were six of us traveling together that day. We were all sitting at the table and Darlene went to use the ladies room which was 20 feet from our table. About 5 minutes later, Raul quietly stood up went down the small hallway to that bathroom and quietly said to her.." Darlene, calm down and open the door." He had heard her struggling to get out of that bathroom and without announcing it to anybody at the table, he went to her aid, knowing that he needed to calm her down in order to help her.
He talked to her calmly without making her feel foolish or embarrassed for her irrational fear. She wasn't really even stuck in that bathroom. She just thought that she was. But my point here is that he helped her without any one of us knowing. He didn't make fun of her or tell her to take more medication. He didn't laugh at her or demean her by joking about it. He helped her keep her dignity and he calmed her fears and he "saved" her from that stuck bathroom door. 
My hope here, Micheal, is that you love Lynnie enough to help her thru her own fears with more love and compassion than was shown in your own situation. Her heart is sore Mike. Fix it.

I really didn't want to be a buttinski. But I wonder...was I wrong to hit the send key? Let's hope not. We'll see.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Shutting my mouth

After re-reading my last post I realized that I sounded like a whiney adult. Awww, poor me! I'm whining about not being able to lose weight because I quit smoking and gained 20 pounds. Talking to my sister yesterday put my whining into perspective. I said to her "what a jerk I am! Here I am crying about being overweight when some people didn't even eat yesterday. Awww poor me. I gave up smoking a pack a day which was costing me $6.00 each day, and somewhere, someone would have loved to have had that $6.00 a day to eat lunch. And here I sit in a bagel shop bitching about being overweight and bitching about eating too much instead of smoking!"  At some point in my rant, I started to hear myself. To actually hear what I was saying and it stopped me cold to hear how selfish and spoiled I sounded. Sometimes God shows up in the most unexpected places and yesterday it was in a bagel shop. And He made me listen to myself as I whined to my sister and He made me think about what I was saying and He made me feel shame and it was sooo good. Some days I do realize that the life lessons I am learning really are my blessings in disguise. I just need to shut my mouth to hear them.