Monday, March 19, 2012
I worked at a desk job that I loved for 14 years. I put my heart and soul and even my identity into that job. I let my kids become latch-key kids and my husband made dinner most nights. I worked 10-12 hours a day, straight through with no breaks and no lunch, 4 days a week. The more work they gave me, the more I did. Thought I was being real productive eating at my desk while furiously working away and I even learned to ignore the sensation of having a full bladder. I told myself that I was too busy to "go". I loved the recognition of a job well done. I loved the paychecks and the hefty bonuses. And since my husband made the money that supported us, I was free to spend that paycheck as I saw fit. In other words....on my self. Clothes, clothes and more clothes. Jewelry to match those clothes. Shoes, boots, and sandals to go with those outfits. Got my haircut every 6 weeks and a Mani/Pedi every 4. Thought that I had everything I needed and thought that I had my life together. Yessiree, Bub...I was living the high life. Unfortunately so was my husband. Only his high life came from abusing alcohol. And I kept that dirty little secret hidden from as many people as I could. (Or so I like to believe.) The more he drank, the angrier I got because I couldn't control it or him. And the angrier I got the more I started to lose control. I could feel the anger and hatred radiating off of me in waves. My home life was absolutely miserable. The anger and resentment that swirled around inside our house was palpable and I couldn't help but start bringing it to my work place. And that anger is what finally did me in at work. I didn't have a clue how angry and miserable I really was or how I had been treating others until I walked in to work one day and was fired. Fired! To say that I was taken by surprise was an understatement. It was a punch to the gut that literally rendered me speechless. I had believed that I was irreplaceable, that the place would fall apart without me. That no one could do what I had been doing with all of my so-called efficiency. And it took me 3 (very long) years after I was fired to realize what an absolute terror I had become to my family and to the people that I had worked with. Ya know, it's funny. In the past I would have, and did, blame him and his drinking for my attitude and my anger. Justified my lousy behavior against his lousy behavior. Thank you Alanon for giving me the tools, the insight, the access to my Higher power....everything I needed to put myself back together. It was a looong fall and I am slowly, but surely climbing my way back outta this dark hole that I dug for myself. I can see the light up above me and it's getting lighter and brighter all the time.