I don't like it when my kids cry. Especially since they are all adults and crying for them now at their age usually means that someone has hurt them emotionally. My middle daughter Lynnie called last night after her fiance hurt her feelings. She was afraid to travel on the snowy roads and her anxiety was thru the roof. Unfortunately, he didn't have a lot of compassion for her anxiety last night and he ended up hurting her heart by being callous. She was sooo sad about his lack of understanding. It made me furious. So I messaged him on FB and here is what I said-
Not really my business to get involved here, but I'm gonna say it anyway and hope that I don't regret it...
True Story- My sister has anxiety issues. Deathly afraid of being trapped behind a locked door. Especially bathroom doors. Public bathrooms to be exact. So when we travel, either Raul or I wait for her outside the bathroom door so no one can walk in on her. She cannot get herself to lock the door...no matter what.And it so happened that once, AND only once did I see this happen, that the bathroom door sort of got stuck. We were in a Mom and Pop diner in Wisconsin and it was a small place; kinda like the Olympic at Cedar Lake Lodge. There were six of us traveling together that day. We were all sitting at the table and Darlene went to use the ladies room which was 20 feet from our table. About 5 minutes later, Raul quietly stood up went down the small hallway to that bathroom and quietly said to her.." Darlene, calm down and open the door." He had heard her struggling to get out of that bathroom and without announcing it to anybody at the table, he went to her aid, knowing that he needed to calm her down in order to help her.
He talked to her calmly without making her feel foolish or embarrassed for her irrational fear. She wasn't really even stuck in that bathroom. She just thought that she was. But my point here is that he helped her without any one of us knowing. He didn't make fun of her or tell her to take more medication. He didn't laugh at her or demean her by joking about it. He helped her keep her dignity and he calmed her fears and he "saved" her from that stuck bathroom door.
My hope here, Micheal, is that you love Lynnie enough to help her thru her own fears with more love and compassion than was shown in your own situation. Her heart is sore Mike. Fix it.
I really didn't want to be a buttinski. But I wonder...was I wrong to hit the send key? Let's hope not. We'll see.
So many factors here. Personally, I have learned to stay out of my adult kids business. Nor do they want me barging in and coming to their defense. My kids will tell me what is going on but preface it with, "If I tell you something, I don't want you to do anything about it. Just listen!" A very clear message. lol The times I have stepped in to defend them or "bring clarity" I can see that I robbed them of the opportunity to learn how to be the grown up adult they were meant to be. If they invite me to share or become involved or be the mediator...that is different. But when I jump in I am sending the message that I don't trust or believe that they are capable of handling their lives without my help. Which they are capable, but they have to learn and figure things out by what works and what doesn't work. Your daughter is probably strong enough to cry, be hurt, and then decide what she wants to do about *her* hurt feelings.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand Raul sounds like an angel. :o)