A January rant

If I'm being truthful Jesus left first.

One day he was there, and by that I mean everywhere, and the next day he was gone.

Poof. Gone.

In a puff of ether He left. And gave me no warning.

His absence was a physical thing.

I could tell He was gone.

The nothingness was palpable.

The silence was deafening.

And it confused me.

Why would Jesus leave? Why can't I see Him anymore? Why can't I feel Him?

And then my husband got cancer.

I prayed and I begged and I pleaded. All to no avail.

Jesus didn't hear me or answer any of my prayers.

My husband died a miserable, painful death,

And Jesus never showed up. Not once.

I felt no comfort. I never felt His presence. 

But I felt His absence like a stone in my shoe.

I don't know that I can get past this.

I've been struggling with this for a while.

I don't blame Jesus but I will say He did NOT help us thru this.

I feel abandoned. And I am mad as hell.

And I'm not sure how to handle this.

I feel no guilt or remorse but I do wonder...

If  Jesus really gives a shit, does He feel guilt or remorse?

If He is real, why didn't He step in and save my husband?

Why kill by cancer? 

Babies, children, sisters, brothers, parents, spouses...

It is a horrific thing...what is His excuse?

Give me a reason to believe that Jesus gives a rats ass...

give me a reason to believe that Jesus loves us and doesn't want us to suffer.

Give me proof that Jesus exists...that He's not just a figment of my imagination.

What say you???