Learning to redefine gratitude is like climbing a mountain.
It looms before me, larger than life, glaring at me.
It is so big that I don't know that I can do it.
I stare back not wanting to undertake this anymore.
I don't have it in me.
Gratitude left right after Jesus walked out.
That delightful pink cloud I'd been riding since 2010
crashed and burned around 2019 and since Jesus never
showed up to save me, I had to save myself from the wreckage.
All those Bible studies and gratitude journals and prayer circles
mean nothing to me now.
The trees aren't lifting their branches up to heaven in praise.
Sunsets are just sunsets and not a gift from god.
Sometimes I think only dogs have souls because mankind seems devoid of them.
Now just to be honest here...
I have seen Jesus with my own eyes, literally sitting on my couch.
I have even heard the sound of his voice with my own ears.
I have felt him in the wind as it brushed across my face.
And there are some questions that science can't answer.
Gratitude was his gift to me, a game we played.
He would send it and then I had to find it and write it down.
And I did , everyday for 13 years.
But! One day there was nothing but silence.
A painful deafening silence like a light had been switched off.
The fact that he left without a fare thee well has broken my heart.
He was not there when my sister died.
He was not there when my husband died.
He was not there during the former guys tenure.
He is not there in the evangelical church system.
And he was not there during Covid.
Was he???...watching millions die.
How could he have allowed that??
It's as if he jumped ship.
Like he no longer resides on this planet,
and his absence feels palpable to me.
I am grieving and lonely but I am not angry.
Too many prayers remain unanswered.
The entire world is burning and groaning
And Jesus remains silent.
I am deconstructing and I am fine with that.
If Jesus wants to find me he knows where I am.
I hear this loud and clear. There was a time it kind of made sense but, truthfully, I had to push facts aside, I had to wear blinders like a horse in order to remain steadfast. Then one day the blinders fell off. The rope broke. I could no longer close my minds to the fact that if I believed in that particular God, the one that, at least in part, was formed by man...specifically men. That God who supposedly is "pro-life" but once wiped out the entire planet except a few chosen.
ReplyDeleteI am earnestly interested in what your faith looks like post deconstruction. I hope that you continue to write about it.
My God is love. The bible says that. The hymns told us that as children. I choose to see god in lovely things and throw away the nonsense of what is coming out of todays church. What is good, what is true, what is pure....that's love. I will continue to see it that way until my conscience tells me I'm on the wrong tract. I am beginning to trust the love inside me to point me in the right direction.
All the best on your journey to what is good, what is true.....♥