The hum in my veins

My name is Lolly and apparently I suffer from Anxiety and Depression.
I knew about the anxiety part.
Anxiety has controlled me for years, even though I tried to hide it and deny it.
But the depression was a total surprise. I truly didn't know.
And I didn't know that I didn't know, ya know?
I would have never said I was depressed. I didn't "feel" depressed but I must have looked like it.
Tired, worn, sluggish, dry sallow skin, little sense of humor, agitated about little stuff, furious about things that should have been little bumps in the road.
I spent my days isolated, alone and lonely.
Unable to get my brain to shut off, unable to sleep, unable to think clearly or make decisions.
Always feeling that sense of doom hovering just beyond the horizon.
Most days if felt like I had high octane fuel coursing through my veins
and it made me run high, hot and hard, always pushing and striving to do more.
I fell into bed at night exhausted from my daily chore list and found myself unable to rest or sleep.
I'd toss and turn for hours. My brain would play tricks on me and keep me guessing and afraid.
I'd lay there and worry about catastrophic illnesses stealing my grandchildren away from me.
I'd worry about my own sanity...at times it felt like I was losing my mind.
Maybe I had the dreaded catastrophic disease myself...brain cancer or Lou Gehrig's disease, maybe a biological brain wasting disorder.
All I knew was that I wasn't in my right mind and I felt crazy and was too embarrassed and too afraid to tell anybody how I truly felt.
I'd lay there and worry and watch the clock tick away the minutes of the long dark night.
By morning, in my depleted state, my day would begin again, fueled by coffee and fear.
I'd Google a few symptoms, you know, just to put my mind at ease.
But it only fueled my fear...like pouring gasoline on a fire.
When the blood pressure issues started I was sure it was being caused by a brain tumor
or perhaps even an impending stroke and my anxiety ratcheted up several notches.
Did I have symptoms of a brain tumor or stroke? No. But that didn't matter.
My brain told me to worry about it anyway.
Ten days before Christmas I saw my Dr. for the blood pressure issues. I told her about the anxiety keeping me from sleeping and asked for a refill of my klonopin.
She said ok on one condition, and that was that I start taking anti-anxiety medication.
I wrung my hands, I stuttered, I hemmed and hawed.
I was filled with horror and dread.
Psych meds....great. I am officially crazy. Anxiety flooded every part of my being.
I agreed to try the medication but I knew in all honestly that I wasn't really going to take it.
I knew I was going to Google the side effects of this medication and I knew that that would be my reasoning for not taking it, even before I bought it.
I looked up other more natural ways to cope with panic and anxiety and found an article on low Serotonin levels.  Great! I'll just build up my Serotonin level naturally with food and sunshine.
Or...
Or I could just take the prescribed medicine and see if it helps me.
I don't know what was the deciding factor but I did start taking that medicine.
After the first week I noticed that my mind was quieter.
After the second week I noticed that I was sleeping better even without using the klonopin.
The third week I found myself smiling and feeling happy inside and it was a foreign feeling.
How long had I been down I wondered?
How long had I actually been depressed and I hadn't known?
The fourth week I noticed that I was still alone all day but I wasn't lonely nor did I feel isolated.
Today is the start of the fifth week. And I feel normal...whatever normal means.
I'm not nervous or anxious. I'm not dreading anything. I'm not sluggish nor do I feel drugged.
I feel regular. I am happy. I am grateful. I am blessed. I am not tired or wired. Or mad or sad.
No anxiety, no side effects, no brain tumor, no fear.
I feel life humming through my veins and I am not frightened of a thing.
Glory be! but it's been a long time coming.  A girl could get used to this. Hallelujah and Amen.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly