I am not alone

I'm lonely.
I miss female friendships.
My BFF works so much and I rarely get to see or talk to her.
I feel a loss, an ache, an emptiness that is hard to describe.

I don't have seasonal affective disorder.
Fall and Winter are the times that I usually come alive!
The cooler weather, changing leaves, heartier foods
The smells, the decor, the holidays; it energizes me.

I feel this loss in the area of friendship.
Companionship, a Kindred Soul friend of sorts.

So I sit here and wonder to myself...
Am I gonna just sit here and mope about this?
How does one go about procuring new friends?
Where does one find these new friends?

In the middle of a personal season of stillness and quiet
Where do you suppose I should look?
The song "What a friend we have in Jesus" just came to mind.
And while that is all true and good
That's not what I'm talking about here.

I want someone who I can talk to, who's available to listen
Someone who gets me....the way I think, the way I am.

The irony is not lost on me here that what I'm looking for
 is what I have every Tuesday night at my 12 step meeting.

But I want that and more.
I want a group of  friends that I can talk about Jesus with.
My sister and I go to a Bible study every Thursday.
We are the youngest 2 people in the room by 20 years.

Dare I call them older folk stodgy old poops? Yes. I do dare.
I can see that they are comfortable in their faith
They are comfortable in their faith without question.
They are comfortable not knowing the answers that I am seeking.
I think my questions make them uncomfortable.
I want more from a Bible study than what is rote.

I wanna talk and study and ask questions about Jesus.

I know that I am not alone in the asking of these questions.
I am not alone in the wanting to know the answers.
There are other women bloggers that also are asking questions.
And most of these women bloggers are finding answers.
Through their faith. Through their daily readings. Through Bible study.
Through reading each others blogs.
Through believing in themselves and each other.
Through their voices.
Through belief that who they are is enough.

That God loves them just as they are, without question, without fail.

And the same is true for me.

Loved, just the way I am, without question, without fail.

And I am not alone in wanting to ask questions of Jesus
And I am not alone in wanting the answers from Jesus

And it's ok to be alone with myself while I wait for these answers.

And to trust that I am not alone, not really.

I can hear the word patience being whispered to my soul.
As if God himself is telling me to have patience.
And maybe that's all this is....me being too impatient
Feeling like I've been set on fire...
Like I must have all the answers I need right now!

When being alone to think and ponder without distractions
Is the thing that is really gonna help me in the long run.

Quiet contemplation of Jesus and his teachings
Instead of burning down the church with my soul on fire.

Mmmmm...oh...see there? All of a sudden the pieces start to fit together.

"God’s putting together all the pieces of the puzzle and He’ll fill what’s still missing with His peace." ~Ann Voskamp

I'm not lonely or alone.
I'm in His presence and He is teaching me to wait on Him.
In his timing, not mine.
Patience, patience, patience.
Even if my soul seems to be on fire.

Grace

Sundays church sermon was amazingly good.
Pastor Eric talked about the Martha and Mary story.
How Martha was sooo busy being mad at Mary for not helping her
that she failed to realize that it was Jesus sitting at her table.
How does one forget that fact?
That JESUS, in the flesh, is actually sitting at your dinner table?!
Well, shit!
He's not in the flesh, but I do that all the time, don't I??
Forget that He's there.
I forget to say Grace, to act graceful or even grateful.
I forget to say Thank you for the food I'm about to eat,
I forget all the time that Jesus is the invisible guest
That He sits at our dinner table every single day.
And Oh, look! There's me, acting like a Martha...
All pissy or fuming or aggravated about something.
When I should be grateful and thankful or at the very least
not acting pissy with a house full of children and grandchildren all getting ready to sit down to eat Sunday super together.
And lookee there!! Reread that last sentence will ya?
Look what I have!
* A house- with a roof, walls, electricity, indoor plumbing, appliances, clothes, furniture
* 3 Grown children- Healthy, happy, employed, living close to us
* 2 grandchildren- and another one on the way
* Food- bought from a store, stored in a full pantry, or kept in a fridge, and cooked on the stove
* Sitting down to eat Sunday Supper together, as a family
* Sitting down
* Eating
* Family
* Supper- and breakfast and lunch and snacks and desserts
* Sunday-getting to worship as we like, at the church of our choice

Look at all those things that I have to be grateful for!!!
How dare I act pissy or aggravated!
Do I not know how grateful others would be to have what I have?
Do I always have to be so ungrateful, so ungraceful all the time?

I told my husband that I think Pastor Eric is an actual Apostle.
I can truly see Jesus shining out through his eyes.
The way that he delivers a sermon is amazing.
The way he can make me think about the way that I conduct myself in daily life.
How un-Jesus like we all really are- even when we think we are acting holy.

I want to find a sign like this to hang in my dining room.
Right above the table.
Right where I can see it.
Every single time I sit my ass down to eat I can look up
And be reminded to not only say grace but to feel grace.
To allow more grace and gratitude into my life
To remind me to give my family members more grace
To love them all with Gods grace.
To be grateful for it all.

Praying for perfect

The chatter in my head never seems to cease and yet I've noticed that I'm only posting once a month.
How's that possible I ask myself??

There is so much that I process through my brain on a daily basis it's hard to imagine NOT writing it down just to get it out of my head!
I need to more disciplined I tell myself.
I should write in a notebook all day...jotting down whatever thought crosses my mind.
I'd fill that sucker up in a day!
When it comes to blogging I feel like a slug.
It's so hard to get started then it becomes awkward and difficult to make the sentences make sense. Does that  make sense?!
I suppose I'd have a bigger problem if anybody was reading this, but Annette doesn't stop by anymore and I'm not sure why.
To me this is more like a PC diary.
I should be grateful that I am able to write whatever I want to without being concerned that someone might read it.
Oh sure, I'd love some feed back but the writing is so poor and my thoughts seem so scrambled that I think whoever reads this would be like-
"Um Sweetie? Don't quit your day job."
No worries there! My day job is babysitting for my grandkids! HA!
I tried posting every day for 31 days that one time in October of 2012.
That was the Blogging for 31 days of  (fill-in-the-blank) that I did with the Nester.
I chose 31 days of Prayer.
Ran outta things to pray about in the first ten days!!
Well for Heaven's sake!! If a body can't blog about praying everyday for 31 days what's got me thinking I have anything to contribute on a regular basis?
Praying is something that I think is supposed to come naturally.
Aren't we supposed to be praying every day anyway??
Well sure! in a perfect world!!
Most days I forget to pray AND to blog.
With this 50 year old brain of mine I've been forgetting a lot lately.
Like lunch dates with friends, going to coffee with my sister in law, returning phone calls, blogging!!
Feels like my short term memory has been wiped out..... The slates clean!
So I'm going to try and post more often.
We'll see how that goes.
This post alone has taken me an hour to process, correct my grammar and type!
But hey!! practice makes perfect, Yes?!
OK then I'll pray for perfec......NO!!! Good Lord! What am I saying??
Maybe I'll just try to blog when I can and pray when I remember to pray.
How's that ?? That ok?
That's perfect.