Monday, September 30, 2013

I am not alone

I'm lonely.
I miss female friendships.
My BFF works so much and I rarely get to see or talk to her.
I feel a loss, an ache, an emptiness that is hard to describe.

I don't have seasonal affective disorder.
Fall and Winter are the times that I usually come alive!
The cooler weather, changing leaves, heartier foods
The smells, the decor, the holidays; it energizes me.

I feel this loss in the area of friendship.
Companionship, a Kindred Soul friend of sorts.

So I sit here and wonder to myself...
Am I gonna just sit here and mope about this?
How does one go about procuring new friends?
Where does one find these new friends?

In the middle of a personal season of stillness and quiet
Where do you suppose I should look?
The song "What a friend we have in Jesus" just came to mind.
And while that is all true and good
That's not what I'm talking about here.

I want someone who I can talk to, who's available to listen
Someone who gets me....the way I think, the way I am.

The irony is not lost on me here that what I'm looking for
 is what I have every Tuesday night at my 12 step meeting.

But I want that and more.
I want a group of  friends that I can talk about Jesus with.
My sister and I go to a Bible study every Thursday.
We are the youngest 2 people in the room by 20 years.

Dare I call them older folk stodgy old poops? Yes. I do dare.
I can see that they are comfortable in their faith
They are comfortable in their faith without question.
They are comfortable not knowing the answers that I am seeking.
I think my questions make them uncomfortable.
I want more from a Bible study than what is rote.

I wanna talk and study and ask questions about Jesus.

I know that I am not alone in the asking of these questions.
I am not alone in the wanting to know the answers.
There are other women bloggers that also are asking questions.
And most of these women bloggers are finding answers.
Through their faith. Through their daily readings. Through Bible study.
Through reading each others blogs.
Through believing in themselves and each other.
Through their voices.
Through belief that who they are is enough.

That God loves them just as they are, without question, without fail.

And the same is true for me.

Loved, just the way I am, without question, without fail.

And I am not alone in wanting to ask questions of Jesus
And I am not alone in wanting the answers from Jesus

And it's ok to be alone with myself while I wait for these answers.

And to trust that I am not alone, not really.

I can hear the word patience being whispered to my soul.
As if God himself is telling me to have patience.
And maybe that's all this being too impatient
Feeling like I've been set on fire...
Like I must have all the answers I need right now!

When being alone to think and ponder without distractions
Is the thing that is really gonna help me in the long run.

Quiet contemplation of Jesus and his teachings
Instead of burning down the church with my soul on fire.

Mmmmm...oh...see there? All of a sudden the pieces start to fit together.

"God’s putting together all the pieces of the puzzle and He’ll fill what’s still missing with His peace." ~Ann Voskamp

I'm not lonely or alone.
I'm in His presence and He is teaching me to wait on Him.
In his timing, not mine.
Patience, patience, patience.
Even if my soul seems to be on fire.

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