After all

My son and his girlfriend broke up on Sunday.
Well...SHE broke up with him. And he is pretty broke up about it.
This momma's heart is breaking for him too.
I feel helpless and sad and also I feel like I should be doing...something to ease his pain.
That's the codependent in me...wanting to fix broken things that I have no business fixing.
It's painful to see him so sad.
He and his cat had to move back home here with us.
And it's not that we don't or won't or can't welcome him.
We did, we will, we have.
But it's awfully hard to move back home with your parents when you are nearly 30 years old.
His/their condo was/is spacious and newer and clean and quiet, and decorated like two thirty year old adults lived there that didn't have any kids, with a heated garage and an association that did all snow plowing and lawn care.
They had pets too, her 15 year old cat and a dog named Ralphie who started out being her dog, but after living together for 11 months, the dog became his too.
That is one of the hardest things for him...missing Ralphie.
My son is pretty miserable, more in shock than anything else really.
There were no signs he said. Said she hit him in his blind spot.
He never saw it coming.
She pulled the old It's not you, it's me routine.
We moved him out Monday night, taking everything he owned including his cat sans the litter box. She got to keep the litter box.
After all is said and done, their relationship ends with an agreement about a litter box.
Why this makes me want to cry I cannot say.

The next morning I went out and purchased a new litter box and litter for our new tenant Jackson.
It's been super hot here lately. Hot and humid. My favorite kind of weather.(sarcasm)
Walking into the pet store, I see a man in a heavy, striped T-shirt and jeans sitting on the sidewalk, his back up against the building. At his feet is a white dog with lots of fur, panting in this heat.
There is also a sign made up of cardboard and markers by his feet which says-
Desperate for money. Really need the help. Any amount is appreciated.
As I walk past him and his dog he waves at me.
"Gonna be a hot one he says."
Yes, I murmured and kept walking.
Once in the store I spend $45.00 on pet supplies.
New litter, new litter box, a few cans of cat food, and some enzyme spray that I use for mopping up after our Chihuahua.
He's still sitting there, him and his dog, in this heat when I come out.
While loading my stuff into the car I decide on a whim to give $5.00 to this man.
I walk back to where he is sitting by the side of the building and hand it to him.
"Here ya go. Go get yourself something to eat in someplace that is air conditioned".
He says "Thank you, wanna pet my dog?"
Uh, no.
"No thanks", I say. And I turn my back and walk away.
I feel like I did a good deed. I hope he buys a water for himself and his dog.
I hope he goes into the pizza place around the corner and gets himself a slice and an icy cold coke and eats lunch in the A/C.
I went in to the Dollar store located right next to the pet store for a few minutes.
As I'm leaving, I see Mr. Desperate for Money and his dog get up and walk away.
And I see that Mr. Desperate for Money has a lit cigarette in his mouth.
Do ya'll know what a pack of cigarettes costs???
Around these parts it's almost $7.00 a pack.
I am instantly pissed. For real?? This guy can afford cigarettes??
He is desperate for money? He really needs the help? Any amount is appreciated?
I stand there staring after him wondering if I've just been swindled.
Not really. But still. I am a little miffed to be honest.
I guess a body doesn't get to dictate what someone else buys with donated cash.
But it feels sorta sour now. I don't have that feel good thing going on anymore.
Was my generosity conditional? Maybe.
I will say that next time I see someone with a sign I might not trust their intent.
And that really isn't fair. At least to that next person.
So I'm thinking that I'm just going to let it go.
Gonna bless that man and move on with my day.
After all is said and done I did have the extra $5.00 to give away.
And it certainly won't ever be the last $5.00 I'll ever have.
And maybe, just maybe, it wasn't the man I was helping. Maybe it was the dog.
A change in my perspective can change my day.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Fishing for answers

I find myself staring off into space when I should be doing something else.
I blame this on the Klonopin. It's got a side effect of tiredness and confusion.
I don't like taking that pill. Wish I didn't need to take it to fall asleep.
Some nights it works others not so much.
Twice now I have found myself wide ass awake at 1:00am and have tossed and turned until 3:00am.
Other times I am awakened at 4:00am  and never do fall back to sleep.
Sometimes at 1:00am when I'm awake, I will lay there real quiet and take slow deep breaths.
Four seconds on the inhale and eight seconds on the exhale. It sorta helps.
My husband says maybe I need to up the dose.
What??   Is he crazy?  Up the dose?  No way.

What I want are answers. Still.
I want to know why I feel so much anxiety.
I want to know why I can't fall into a deep and restful sleep and remain that way until morning.
I want to know why I wake up at 1:00am feeling scared out of my mind.

The pat answer that others keep giving me-"Some people just have anxiety"
rings untrue in my head.
I know that others suffer from anxiety. I know that I now have anxiety.
But I didn't used to.
And I want to know why.
Why is it so hard to find an answer to my question of WHY?

I find myself staring off into space, not really thinking about anything.
It's like all of a sudden I come to and realize I've been sitting here doing nothing.
I feel tired all of the time. My head aches all the time. I feel grouchy.
I also feel some form of shame for complaining about my insomnia, for taking the Klonopin  and for the symptoms of the side effects.
There is a stigma attached to taking benzodiazepines.
"You're more prone to addiction if you take Klonopin."
"Pretty soon you're going to be dependent on them."
"Can't you just NOT take them?"
"Sit in a Lavender Epsom Salt bath for 20 minutes instead."
"Why don't you drink a glass or two of wine instead?"

Let me tell you this...
I would LOVE to have a glass or two of wine. I miss being able to have a glass of wine while cooking dinner or at the end of the day while watching the sunset, or when we're out to dinner for date night.
I actually miss it very much.
But I am not about to mix alcohol with Klonopin.


At church this past Sunday, our pastors sermon was on mental health.
(Did it feel like he was looking directly at me while he spoke?...yes)
One of the questions he asked the congregation was this-
"What is your bait?"
Meaning what is it that takes you away from Jesus and prayer and serenity and peace.
What is it that grabs you and pulls you under and doesn't let go?
What is it that the devil is using to personally bait you into excessive worrying or paralyzing anxiety or over-eating or over-spending?

I know the answer is fear because that is what it feels like but fear of what?

The pastor tells us to feed our minds constantly with the truth, to think about Jesus.
He says to free our minds from destructive thoughts and not to believe everything you think, because the mind is the battleground for sin.
Well now.
Listen, I don't believe that my anxiety is sin induced.
I don't know where it's coming from but I'm pretty sure it's not onaccounta
any sin.

A few days ago I read this in my Jesus Calling Devotional-

Jesus Calling – September 12th

Receive My Peace. It is My continual gift to you. The best way to receive this gift is to sit quietly in My Presence, trusting Me in every area of your life. Quietness and trust accomplish far more than you can imagine: not only in you, but also on earth and in heaven. When you trust Me in a given area, you release that problem or person into My care.

Spending time alone with Me can be a difficult discipline, because it goes against the activity addiction of this age. You may appear to be doing nothing, but actually you are participating in battles going on within spiritual realms. You are waging war—not with the weapons of the world, but with heavenly weapons, which have divine power to demolish strongholds. Living close to Me is a sure defense against evil.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
—John 14:27

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.”
—Isaiah 30:15

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.
—2 Corinthians 10:4 

Today I read an entry from my Mark Nepo Devotional entitled  The Book of Awakening-

Simple as a Fish

"I've been a fish in search of bottom when I've
surfaced, in search of surface when I've bottomed, and the ribbon of God's sea passing through my gills is what I've felt and thought and spoken."

1. A simple fish nosing its way along the bottom is in itself a profound teacher, and like the deepest teachers, it doesn't even know it is teaching. Yet in its tiny, efficient gill lives the mystery of how to live as a spirit on Earth.
2. As we all know, by swimming, the smallest fish takes in water, and its gill turns that water into the air by which it lives. Though there are biological details that explain the mechanics of this, it is, in essence, a mystery.
3. The question is, What in us is our gill? Our heart, our mind, our spirit, a mix of all three? Whatever it is, like the smallest fish, we must turn water into air in order to live, which for us means turning our experience into something that can sustain us. It means turning pain into wonder, heartache into joy.
4. Nothing else matters, and just like fish we must keep swimming to stay alive. We must keep swimming through the days. We cannot stop the flow of experience or the need to take it in. Rather, all our efforts must go into learning the secret of the gill, the secret of transforming what we go through into air.
5. So, what is your gill? For me, it is my heart, and love becomes the unseeable trail I leave behind. But whatever it might be for you, it is more important to swim through the days and honor the gill inside you than to figure out how it all works.

• Sit quietly and breathe slowly.

• As you breathe, notice how turning air into breath is what keeps you alive.

• Keep breathing slowly, and as you breathe, open your heart to the mystery of turning experience into feeling and pain into wonder.

• Inhale deeply, and let the gill inside you work.

So.
What is your bait? What is your gill? What is mine?
I like Mark's words-
"Keep breathing slowly, and as you breathe, open your heart to the mystery of turning experience into feeling and pain into wonder."

Like those fish I am going to use my gills and breathe and just keep swimming to stay alive.
Does it matter if I am being baited or if I am at the surface or at the bottom?
No. I don't need to figure out how it all works. I just need to keep swimming.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Miracles

This is an unusually long post. I'd appreciate it if you'd read it to the end.


What constitutes a miracle in your world?

How about fruit seeds, when planted in the dark soil and given water & sunlight, will grow into fruit trees that produce fruit that produces more fruit seed, that you can plant to grow more fruit?

Or flowers that are beautiful and smell great only because of the endless work of the bees and pollination?
Or nuts that grow on trees that produce nuts that we snack on?

Or how about conception? That one time you weren't pissed at him or too damn tired from working all day long and you said yes, just that one time, and the odds that you were ovulating at just that time, and then all the necessary things that had to happen next and then the whole shit and shebang had to "cook" for 9 months and finally you delivered a squalling baby outta your fancy business and it made you tired and grateful at the same time for the next 20  years?
Is that a miracle?

Or was the miracle that you let that screaming beautiful thing that was your newborn child, live past the age of three or four or sixteen or eighteen and when away at college they only called home for money?
That horrible little gutter snipe that wiped their nose on your pant leg and threw up in your bed, and refused to eat or drink anything but hot dogs, cut up into the size of nickels and then quartered, you know so they didn't choke, and drink green Kool-aid?
I think the miracle there is that they lived after drinking all of that awful tasting Kool-aid! Why'd I give that stuff to them ??
I don't know... we were poorer back then and Hey! at least it had vitamin C in it.
(The Kool-aid had vitamin C in it, not the hot dog. Nobody knows what's in a hot dog.)

What about the four seasons?  Winter * Spring *  Summer * Fall
Isn't it a miracle that God made each one necessary and connected to the other? In order for the next season to come about, the previous season has to go through a dying out process and then a new season is born? And the brand new season is always so bright and beautiful and brings us so much happiness and joy, so much to look forward to!  New clothes and new foods and new activities.
Until that season starts to fade and then we get all jazzed up waiting for the next one to come along. Aren't there miracles in seeing the seasons change? The smells, the colors, the change of daylight and darkness?

Works the same for us humans, yes?
When life starts to change as we get older, our seasons of self can become something we dread or something we look forward to.
When life is sad or scary or stressful, maybe it helps to find some way to let your old self pass away, so to speak, and find a new you or a newer version of you.

These past six months have been hard for me.
I've developed a panic/anxiety disorder that is rendering me sort of useless.
It started in March with my very first ever colonoscopy, which was normal.
Then it was doctor appointment after doctor appointment after doctor appointment.
First up my yearly physical, which was normal, blood work, EKG, exam..all normal.
Then a 2-D Echo at the local hospital which was normal.(my last one was in 1987)
Then on to the Dermatologist for a full body scan, which was normal.
Then the ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) where it was discovered that I had hearing loss in my right ear.
Then back to my regular doctor for a sore throat and achy ears and a pounding heart.
She poo-pooed my symptoms (damn her hide) and I waited in misery with awful symptoms  for 4 more weeks only to go back to her office again, but this time to see her physicians assistant,  (my ENT was booked for 2 solid months)
who by the way, fixed me in a matter of 20 minutes  SIMPLY BY LISTENING TO ME!!
Now I won't say that this PA talked me into taking the anxiety medication, but she did tell me what it would do, and that was that it would help me sleep.
Once I started sleeping better, I started feeling better.
But I also noticed that besides helping me stay asleep at night, the anxiety medication was taking the edge off of my constant worrying throughout the day.
I felt less stressed, less...what's the word here... trip wired?? less likely to go off about something?
I found I wasn't grinding my teeth as much or holding my breath or wringing my hands.
The sky didn't appear to be falling so much. I stopped worrying about some of the little stuff.

I gotta tell ya it's the damnedest thing this anxiety. It has really thrown me for a loop. It has changed the way I view myself and my life and others.

August 15th I had a mammogram done. It was not normal.
They called and said I needed to schedule additional views with a possible ultra-sound to follow.
I was nervous only for a few minutes after speaking to the nurse, then I made the appointment and told my husband that I wasn't going to worry about it. I didn't want to dwell on the appointment looming on the horizon ten days from now.

I told no one but my husband. Not my sisters, not my grown kids, not my mother, not my best friend.
I think I might have mentioned it on here, I'll have to check ;)

Truly I just didn't want to think about it. I didn't want people calling and asking me questions.
I didn't want to be reminded about it. I didn't want to be spooked about it.
So the day before my appointment, I realize that I'm going to need a sitter for my 4 year old granddaughter; my grandson would be in school.
I called my daughter, told her and she said she would come over and watch Fiona.

Once at the mammography office, I'm given that warmed shawl/hospital gown/type thing.
I'd like to ask them for a cold one. I certainly do not need a heated hospital gown at my age.
I get the additional views done and the tech says "I'll be right back".
Ten minutes later she comes back and says "Yeah, um, we're gonna need to do the ultra-sound".
She brings me down the hallway to a room she calls the "Library".
Please wait here, she says.
It is dimly lit. There are comfy over stuffed chairs in a mauve color, pink walls, a box of tissue on the table.
There are positive, upbeat signs placed strategically around the room like....
LIVE NOW!
DREAM BIG!
YOU ONLY GET THIS ONE LIFE.
They all piss me off at that moment.
I grab a tissue off the table cuz now I do want to cry.  Now I'm nervous.
It's the last tissue in the box and I think to myself Great! Now I can't even bawl cuz there aren't anymore tissues in this room!
I decided to do some deep breathing to calm me down and in between breaths I whispered the word YAHWEH to myself.
Ten minutes later when they come to get me, I must have whispered that word about 20 times.

The ultra-sound room is also dark and calm and again I am asked if I would like a warm blanket.
Good Lord NO! I replied. I am 54 years old. I do not need another warm anything right now.
(Is it just me, ladies?? Am I the only one who is still able to melt what's left of the polar ice caps simply by raising my arms?)
She says "Let's begin" and her words feels ominous to me.
She applies warm gel..... and starts with the wand, sliding it back and forth.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
20 minutes of back and forth with the occasional loop of all the way around my right breast.
I hear her clicking the machine, taking notes??, freezing the frame and slowing down to click the machine for what I guess is a picture.
In my mind I am still whispering YAHWEH, I am trying to feel His hand in mine but I don't and I am still deep breathing, slowly and calmly.
I feel myself jolt awake while at the same time the tech asks "Are you ok? Need to change position's? I felt you flinch."
No, I tell her. I just fell asleep. That was me jerking in my sleep.
She mentions that this is a first for her, me falling asleep.
She says most other women do not fall asleep during this test.
I apologize cuz I'm awkward like that and don't know what else to say.
She says  "Let me go show this to the radiologist. I'll be right back."
And I go back to searching for Jesus' hand in mine. Why can't I feel Him here with me?
With nothing to do but wait, I look around the room I'm in for the first time.
And on the wall to my left is a painting of a Lighthouse, with the light shining bright for all to see.
The lyrics to the song My Lighthouse by Rend Collective start running thru my head-

In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence, You won't let go
In the questions, Your truth will hold
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

My lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness. I will follow You
My lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
You will carry me safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I'll rise and sing
My God's love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are…

The tech comes back and brings the radiologist with her and my heart plummets to the floor.
Hi, I'm Dr. Guido he says. Let's have a look see here.
The two of them, the Dr. and the tech both start looking at the machine, while the Dr. himself  wields the wand.
At a certain point in their search, at the exact same moment they both say "THERE! Right there!"
I hear them concurring, talking, advising each other-
Yep, Uh-huh, Ok, Can you get me back to that exact location? There. Stop right there. There, see??

"You see that little black C shape on the screen he asks me?"  No.
 "Do you see that dark area there and the way that it is being fed by a little supply of blood?"  No.
"What we have here is a benign little lymph node. It lives way in the back near your chest wall. That's where they like to hang out.
All is well. We will see you in a year."
Dr. Guido shakes my hand, tells me to have a good day, and tells me I am free to go.
I thank everybody I see on my way out the door of the clinic and text my husband and daughter the news from my car before I even start driving.

I don't start crying until I am already driving and 5 blocks away from home.
I am so flooded with relief that I cannot stop crying. I am beyond relieved.
I don't have a word for how I feel. Euphoric maybe? Happy at the very least.
I'm wiping my tears so I don't walk in the house looking like I've just cried all the way home.
At a stop sign I turn on the radio and a song comes on.
I'd like to be able to tell you that it was My Lighthouse by Rend Collective but it wasn't.
It was The Revelation Song by Phillips, Craig and Dean.

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
Holy, holy is Thee
Sing a new song to Him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
Holy, holy is He
Sing a new song to Him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings
You are my everything and I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows of living color
Flashes of lighting rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor strength and glory and power be
To You the only one who's King

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings
You are my everything and I will adore You

Filled with wonder awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your name
Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

Oh, You're worthy, mystery
You are worthy

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings
You are my everything and I will adore You, I will adore You

Today I feel as if I received a miracle. Whether it was the doctor, or the test results or that picture of a lighthouse hanging on the wall as a reminder,
I feel like HE gifted me with something.
HE may not have held my hand but HE was there with me.
I just didn't know it until afterwards when I started crying.
Whenever Jesus is near me I always cry, I just do. That's how I know HE's close by.

Thanks for reading all the way to the bottom of this post.
I'm going to go find something wonderful to do today.
I don't know what just yet, but I'll find something.
I am thankful and grateful and filled with awestruck wonder today friends,

Love, Lolly