Miracles

This is an unusually long post. I'd appreciate it if you'd read it to the end.


What constitutes a miracle in your world?

How about fruit seeds, when planted in the dark soil and given water & sunlight, will grow into fruit trees that produce fruit that produces more fruit seed, that you can plant to grow more fruit?

Or flowers that are beautiful and smell great only because of the endless work of the bees and pollination?
Or nuts that grow on trees that produce nuts that we snack on?

Or how about conception? That one time you weren't pissed at him or too damn tired from working all day long and you said yes, just that one time, and the odds that you were ovulating at just that time, and then all the necessary things that had to happen next and then the whole shit and shebang had to "cook" for 9 months and finally you delivered a squalling baby outta your fancy business and it made you tired and grateful at the same time for the next 20  years?
Is that a miracle?

Or was the miracle that you let that screaming beautiful thing that was your newborn child, live past the age of three or four or sixteen or eighteen and when away at college they only called home for money?
That horrible little gutter snipe that wiped their nose on your pant leg and threw up in your bed, and refused to eat or drink anything but hot dogs, cut up into the size of nickels and then quartered, you know so they didn't choke, and drink green Kool-aid?
I think the miracle there is that they lived after drinking all of that awful tasting Kool-aid! Why'd I give that stuff to them ??
I don't know... we were poorer back then and Hey! at least it had vitamin C in it.
(The Kool-aid had vitamin C in it, not the hot dog. Nobody knows what's in a hot dog.)

What about the four seasons?  Winter * Spring *  Summer * Fall
Isn't it a miracle that God made each one necessary and connected to the other? In order for the next season to come about, the previous season has to go through a dying out process and then a new season is born? And the brand new season is always so bright and beautiful and brings us so much happiness and joy, so much to look forward to!  New clothes and new foods and new activities.
Until that season starts to fade and then we get all jazzed up waiting for the next one to come along. Aren't there miracles in seeing the seasons change? The smells, the colors, the change of daylight and darkness?

Works the same for us humans, yes?
When life starts to change as we get older, our seasons of self can become something we dread or something we look forward to.
When life is sad or scary or stressful, maybe it helps to find some way to let your old self pass away, so to speak, and find a new you or a newer version of you.

These past six months have been hard for me.
I've developed a panic/anxiety disorder that is rendering me sort of useless.
It started in March with my very first ever colonoscopy, which was normal.
Then it was doctor appointment after doctor appointment after doctor appointment.
First up my yearly physical, which was normal, blood work, EKG, exam..all normal.
Then a 2-D Echo at the local hospital which was normal.(my last one was in 1987)
Then on to the Dermatologist for a full body scan, which was normal.
Then the ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) where it was discovered that I had hearing loss in my right ear.
Then back to my regular doctor for a sore throat and achy ears and a pounding heart.
She poo-pooed my symptoms (damn her hide) and I waited in misery with awful symptoms  for 4 more weeks only to go back to her office again, but this time to see her physicians assistant,  (my ENT was booked for 2 solid months)
who by the way, fixed me in a matter of 20 minutes  SIMPLY BY LISTENING TO ME!!
Now I won't say that this PA talked me into taking the anxiety medication, but she did tell me what it would do, and that was that it would help me sleep.
Once I started sleeping better, I started feeling better.
But I also noticed that besides helping me stay asleep at night, the anxiety medication was taking the edge off of my constant worrying throughout the day.
I felt less stressed, less...what's the word here... trip wired?? less likely to go off about something?
I found I wasn't grinding my teeth as much or holding my breath or wringing my hands.
The sky didn't appear to be falling so much. I stopped worrying about some of the little stuff.

I gotta tell ya it's the damnedest thing this anxiety. It has really thrown me for a loop. It has changed the way I view myself and my life and others.

August 15th I had a mammogram done. It was not normal.
They called and said I needed to schedule additional views with a possible ultra-sound to follow.
I was nervous only for a few minutes after speaking to the nurse, then I made the appointment and told my husband that I wasn't going to worry about it. I didn't want to dwell on the appointment looming on the horizon ten days from now.

I told no one but my husband. Not my sisters, not my grown kids, not my mother, not my best friend.
I think I might have mentioned it on here, I'll have to check ;)

Truly I just didn't want to think about it. I didn't want people calling and asking me questions.
I didn't want to be reminded about it. I didn't want to be spooked about it.
So the day before my appointment, I realize that I'm going to need a sitter for my 4 year old granddaughter; my grandson would be in school.
I called my daughter, told her and she said she would come over and watch Fiona.

Once at the mammography office, I'm given that warmed shawl/hospital gown/type thing.
I'd like to ask them for a cold one. I certainly do not need a heated hospital gown at my age.
I get the additional views done and the tech says "I'll be right back".
Ten minutes later she comes back and says "Yeah, um, we're gonna need to do the ultra-sound".
She brings me down the hallway to a room she calls the "Library".
Please wait here, she says.
It is dimly lit. There are comfy over stuffed chairs in a mauve color, pink walls, a box of tissue on the table.
There are positive, upbeat signs placed strategically around the room like....
LIVE NOW!
DREAM BIG!
YOU ONLY GET THIS ONE LIFE.
They all piss me off at that moment.
I grab a tissue off the table cuz now I do want to cry.  Now I'm nervous.
It's the last tissue in the box and I think to myself Great! Now I can't even bawl cuz there aren't anymore tissues in this room!
I decided to do some deep breathing to calm me down and in between breaths I whispered the word YAHWEH to myself.
Ten minutes later when they come to get me, I must have whispered that word about 20 times.

The ultra-sound room is also dark and calm and again I am asked if I would like a warm blanket.
Good Lord NO! I replied. I am 54 years old. I do not need another warm anything right now.
(Is it just me, ladies?? Am I the only one who is still able to melt what's left of the polar ice caps simply by raising my arms?)
She says "Let's begin" and her words feels ominous to me.
She applies warm gel..... and starts with the wand, sliding it back and forth.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
20 minutes of back and forth with the occasional loop of all the way around my right breast.
I hear her clicking the machine, taking notes??, freezing the frame and slowing down to click the machine for what I guess is a picture.
In my mind I am still whispering YAHWEH, I am trying to feel His hand in mine but I don't and I am still deep breathing, slowly and calmly.
I feel myself jolt awake while at the same time the tech asks "Are you ok? Need to change position's? I felt you flinch."
No, I tell her. I just fell asleep. That was me jerking in my sleep.
She mentions that this is a first for her, me falling asleep.
She says most other women do not fall asleep during this test.
I apologize cuz I'm awkward like that and don't know what else to say.
She says  "Let me go show this to the radiologist. I'll be right back."
And I go back to searching for Jesus' hand in mine. Why can't I feel Him here with me?
With nothing to do but wait, I look around the room I'm in for the first time.
And on the wall to my left is a painting of a Lighthouse, with the light shining bright for all to see.
The lyrics to the song My Lighthouse by Rend Collective start running thru my head-

In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence, You won't let go
In the questions, Your truth will hold
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

My lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness. I will follow You
My lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise
You will carry me safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I'll rise and sing
My God's love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are…

The tech comes back and brings the radiologist with her and my heart plummets to the floor.
Hi, I'm Dr. Guido he says. Let's have a look see here.
The two of them, the Dr. and the tech both start looking at the machine, while the Dr. himself  wields the wand.
At a certain point in their search, at the exact same moment they both say "THERE! Right there!"
I hear them concurring, talking, advising each other-
Yep, Uh-huh, Ok, Can you get me back to that exact location? There. Stop right there. There, see??

"You see that little black C shape on the screen he asks me?"  No.
 "Do you see that dark area there and the way that it is being fed by a little supply of blood?"  No.
"What we have here is a benign little lymph node. It lives way in the back near your chest wall. That's where they like to hang out.
All is well. We will see you in a year."
Dr. Guido shakes my hand, tells me to have a good day, and tells me I am free to go.
I thank everybody I see on my way out the door of the clinic and text my husband and daughter the news from my car before I even start driving.

I don't start crying until I am already driving and 5 blocks away from home.
I am so flooded with relief that I cannot stop crying. I am beyond relieved.
I don't have a word for how I feel. Euphoric maybe? Happy at the very least.
I'm wiping my tears so I don't walk in the house looking like I've just cried all the way home.
At a stop sign I turn on the radio and a song comes on.
I'd like to be able to tell you that it was My Lighthouse by Rend Collective but it wasn't.
It was The Revelation Song by Phillips, Craig and Dean.

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
Holy, holy is Thee
Sing a new song to Him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
Holy, holy is He
Sing a new song to Him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings
You are my everything and I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows of living color
Flashes of lighting rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor strength and glory and power be
To You the only one who's King

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings
You are my everything and I will adore You

Filled with wonder awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your name
Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

Oh, You're worthy, mystery
You are worthy

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings
You are my everything and I will adore You, I will adore You

Today I feel as if I received a miracle. Whether it was the doctor, or the test results or that picture of a lighthouse hanging on the wall as a reminder,
I feel like HE gifted me with something.
HE may not have held my hand but HE was there with me.
I just didn't know it until afterwards when I started crying.
Whenever Jesus is near me I always cry, I just do. That's how I know HE's close by.

Thanks for reading all the way to the bottom of this post.
I'm going to go find something wonderful to do today.
I don't know what just yet, but I'll find something.
I am thankful and grateful and filled with awestruck wonder today friends,

Love, Lolly