Ohhh. You meant THAT kind of sorrow.

*Not getting the chance to say good-bye to my sister before she died. Not being able to talk to her anymore.  Lord, but I miss the sound of her voice.

*Missing my dad and remembering how awful the end of his life was and how my moms grief and panic made it so much worse on everyone.
She was particularly vicious and vindictive to me.
My two sisters and I could not for the life of us figure out why. She even went so far as to tell a family member (my absentee brother) to call the hospital security staff to have me removed from my dads hospital room as he lay dying. She had accused me of making fun of him and I told her to stop saying that.
How much I'd love to be able to talk to that calm, and caring man today.

*Never knowing the sound of my daughters voice or the color of her eyes or seeing her first tooth come in or watching her take her first steps or running through the yard and laughing while daddy chased and tickled her.

*The 28 years of hard drinking that wrecked the both of us. We were both so damn mean to each other. I'd love to go back and start again. But we don't get that chance, do we?
Yeah yeah, I know Alanon gives us some semblance of repair. But I want to know what him and I would be like if none of that damage had ever happened.

*My brother walking away from the family 34 years ago and never coming back. Except for the funerals of my sister and my dad. Fat lot of good that did anybody. Why only then??

*The horrific gift of animal euthanasia. And the hole in my life and heart that each of those beautiful souls have left behind.
Mojo, Fluffy, Baby, Junior, and Pup-pup.

*Syria and the choices the people on the round have had to make in order to survive. Where is God in this?

Where was God in ANY of this??

I lay and have laid all of this at the feet of Jesus. I've relinquished my pain and my anger and my dashed hopes.
We all have only done what we were capable of doing at the time.
I offer grace and forgiveness to my family, my friends, my husband.
But mostly I offer it up to myself.
Jesus doesn't want me to live a sorrow filled life.
And when you really think about it, most of those things on my sorrowful list are about death and dying, and what exactly is death and dying??
Isn't it really just moving from one place to another? Isn't it about going to our true home?
 It's about going home to live with Jesus. And again I ask, how can that be sorrow filled?
So I will take each day as at comes. Forgiving when necessary.
Loving others as I can.
Offering up peace, hope, grace and mercy to everyone I see.
Especially to myself.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly