April 2023

I've bawled three separate times this week.

It is 4 months into year two and I miss him like crazy.

The house has been remodeled, updated, and cleaned.

It's cute and perfect and lonely and deathly quiet.

He is not here anymore. I cannot find him anywhere.

Cardinals, Butterflies, Spring, sunsets....nowhere.

I was so sure I'd be able to see him, hear him, find him...after.

But he is nowhere to be found. It is the same with Jesus.

The silence is deafening and there is nothing I can do about it.

I watched a Cardinal jump in to a bush followed by his mate.

It made me smile for a few seconds but then...nothing.

Remember when I used to constantly look up??? to the sky?

There used to be so much beauty, so many answers, so many spiritual signs.

Now...Nothing. No more signs. There is nothing there. He is not there.

I am devastated by grief. I am devastated by Jesus' absence.

The loneliness is crushing. 

I need to sell the RV, and that, in and of itself, is painful.

Our retirement dreams are gone. My retirement dreams are gone.

We were gonna take all 4 grandkids camping with us but we never got the chance.

The Harley sits in my brother in-laws garage, undriven, unridden, idle.

How do I sell it??? Who would I sell it to??  I don't know if I can....ever.

But the RV needs to go.

The garage is full of his tools...bits and bobs are strewn about everywhere.

The fishing poles, the tackleboxes, the quarts of oil...

His workbench in the basement is just as bad,

Cluttered with so many tools and paraphernalia...

I want nothing more than to hug him and cry in to his shoulder

and ask him to please make everything alright again.

And yet I know that THAT is also impossible,

I am still slogging through this grief and not sure of where 

the end will be.

I have no more words today.

Year two

 Shaved my legs for the first time in forever.

nobody cares if I shave anymore or not.

It sorta made me sad.

He would've run his hands up and down my smooth, oiled legs and 

hoped he had a chance at sex. lol

I'm taking my 85 year old mother for a pedicure tomorrow.

She can't reach her feet anymore due to hip problems

so I take her every six weeks to get her nails trimmed and painted.

Last time we went I forgot to shave my legs and I told the lady I was sorry.

She said it was no big deal, so I let her paint my toes despite my hairy legs.

Grief is still shit.

The silence and loneliness are  never ending.

Eating alone, sleeping alone, shopping alone.

All of it is lonelier than I ever thought possible.

I did the taxes by myself.

I've sat in the basement during tornado warnings by myself with the dog.

Peeked out the living room curtains as a snowstorm blew thru knowing I would have to shovel the driveway by myself.

I need to sell the RV and the boat and hope I get the right price

 without him being there to advise me. I'm nervous about this.

I drag the heavy garbage totes to the curb by myself.

I clean the house and pay the bills and drive around town by myself.

Other people do these things by themselves all the time.

But I'm not used to it. He did everything for me. I was spoiled and didn't know it.

Well...I knew it but I didn't know I would be alone at 58 years old and

doing everything by myself.

Sometimes his absence is the loudest thing in the room.

I miss date night at our local Rib joint. I miss someone touching me, hugging me.

I miss being kissed goodnight. 

I miss folding his clothes, cooking him dinner, camping, and 

holding hands on our walks around the block walking his dog.

No one knows our inside jokes, or the movie quotes that used to crack us up.

I miss him and everything about us that no longer is.

This is year two. And it is just as painful as year one.  Only different.