My defining moment

Tomorrow is my 1 year anniversary in Alanon and the time has flown by for me. My home group has asked me to be the lead for Tuesday night. Initially, I said no, that it should be whoever had signed up for that week.  But after I thought about it for a bit, I decided that maybe I could say a few words about what got  me here in the first place. However, the more I thought about it the more nervous I got. I kept feeling like I was putting pressure on myself to say the exact right thing. I don't have a problem sharing or talking when it is my turn on any other Tuesday night, so what is it that is preventing me from coming up with a good lead that would be inspiring to the others in my home group? I know what brought me to these doors, and I know what is going to keep me coming back here week after week. How to simplify the story though?? I knew that I wanted peace in my life, but what I needed was peace in my soul. My HP was working on the soul part for me, and it was up to me to me to figure out the peaceful life part. Nothing I had done in the past 26 years had given me any peace whatsoever. So how to find it now? And where? Thankfully I found an Interventionist that was as concerned about me as he was about the alcoholic. His wise words saved me from myself and I shall be forever grateful to him for giving a damn about me, when I didn't give a damn about myself. With his support and direction, I found myself at the doors of Alanon and once there, I have never looked back. The blessings and life lessons started pouring in almost immediately. To say that I was on a pink cloud was/is an understatement, only I am still on that pink cloud! Life is still wonderful, I am still learning what I need to know, and I am still being  moved to tears by what I hear and witness and share in these rooms of Alanon. What I learned was this:
1. I can't  2. HE can  3. Let HIM  and Let go or be dragged.
When I learned to let go it literally changed my life. I came to Alanon frightened. I came here sad and crying; sick in my soul, angry, afraid, hateful. And at the end of my rope.....without any hope at all. It is amazing to me what 1 year in the Alanon program has done for me. Saved me is what it did. Now is that a lesson or a blessing?!

Crying

I saw Jody in church on Sunday. (She is the wife of the couple getting a divorce who I blogged about before). I wanted to wish her a happy new year and see how she was holding up. The separation was her idea and even though  she made the decision to end the marriage, it doesn't mean that she made that decision  lightly. You can tell that her decision is still hurting her as well as the rest of the family. When I told her that 2012 was gonna be a better year than 2011, her eyes welled up; and with silent tears she said, real quiet "Don't say anything else, or I'll start crying"....to which I replied "Oh, don't cry! God has a plan and everything is gonna work out". I hugged her and walked back to my seat. It didn't dawn on me until the next day that the advice I had given her was incorrect. "Don't cry" is what I had said to her. Don't cry! What an ignorant thing for me to say! Tsk. I am mad at myself for saying that to her. Especially since this past year I have found my own self crying or on the verge of crying over everything. Our tears are God's holy water, they heal us as they flow. Why had I told her not to cry!? No one had told me not to cry.
Here is what I wish I had said to her instead:
  It's ok to cry, Jody. And if you need to cry for the grief and the peace and the relief that that decision gave you, why you go ahead and cry then. Cry until you feel healed and whole. Cry until your soul no longer aches. Cry until you no longer feel bruised and lost and alone. And then when you finally feel happy and light and free...go ahead and cry again; the sweet, gentle, cleansing tears of healing and relief; the deeply tranquil tears of  peace and thankfulness and gratitude. God's Blessing to you.
The next time I see her in church, I think I will just keep my advice about not crying to myself and hug her instead. Another lesson learned.


  

Inspirational

It was a good meeting Tuesday night. The topic was detatching and boundries. Two things I had no concept of in the past. It feels sooo good to be detatched and to work on myself. It feels wonderful to set my boundries, boundries that I never even knew existed before. After the meeting so many people came up to me to tell me that my share was inspiring, that I was inspiring! And  I was amazed by their statements. Me?! Inspiring?! One woman said that she can actually see my spirituality shining through me when I speak. To me, THAT is amazing. I had a huge spiritual awakening 4 months before I  joined Alanon. My story is so amazing to me, and I like telling it to people. I know that it can  be inspiring for others to hear  it. But I always thought that the story was inspiring, not me. This may take a little getting used to. Or wait.....maybe that is the lesson....not getting used to it. Letting the story be the inspirational tool that it is and keeping my ego in check. Okay, okay Lord, I got it.  Thanks for the blessing to be inspirational to others. Soli Deo Gloria!