Thursday, November 14, 2013

It isn't me

So there's this song
It gives me goosebumps when I play it on my IPod
And it makes me want to cry.
Because I wish for this daily.
Him and I being normal, able to talk to
and relate with each other.
But Alas....
I live with a sad man, a mad man
A man who is always sad and always mad.
About everything.
For years I tried to fix
The sadness...the madness.
Played the codependant wife until
I became sad and mad myself.
Lucky for me that Alanon and my faith
converged together at the exact same moment
in time to save me.
Thank You Jesus!
I wish the same could be said for him.
He is not saved and doesn't want to be.
Sad and mad define him.
I don't want any more secrets or half truths.
But the Sad man is afraid of that word.
The truth scares him, I think.
Life scares him.

He like to blame others for minor and or slight infractions.
A lost baby blanket is cause for an arguement
and much upheaval in our household.
Blame will be placed on everyone but himself.
And when it comes to light that he may have unwittingly
had a part in the disappearance of said blankie
there will be no forth coming apology.
Oh, he'll say sorry...quickly and in a snarky manner.
But he won't mean it because he never is sorry.
He'll continue playing his word game on his IPhone
Not looking at or acknowledging me
As I tell him that he was being mean
By his passive/aggressive comments and accusatory tone
as we were searching for the grandsons blanket.
We'll go to sleep, again, not talking about 
Or bringing up the current issue that is between us.

How freeing would it be to be able to live with and love
And talk with your spouse of 30 years?
We've never been able to do it, him and I.

I once made a romantic dinner for two
Had the kids at a sitter and myself all gussied up
House cleaned, candles lit, music playing
Just waiting to surprise him after work.
During dinner, I made the mistake of telling him 
about the fear I've always had of him leaving me.
My honesty made him angry and he left me that night.
Said he couldn't live with a woman who didn't trust him
enough to never leave her.
Do you get the incredible irony of that situation??

I learned to stop being honest with him.
I saved all my hurts and sadness and truths 
and shared them with my best friend instead.
It didn't help the marriage per se, but it helped me.

But this song makes me ache for what we don't have.
Don't get me wrong, I love this man.
Just wish we had the ability between us both 
to be real and honest and truthful.
I'd like to pray together, make decisions together
Go to church together, confide in each other.
I wanna laugh together and tell each other our secrets.
I want us to heal and get well together.
I want joy and happiness and dreams coming true.
I mean what the hell are we doing after 30 years together?
Why can't we have it all?
Why does it still have to be so hard?
Why can't he be happy? Why is he mean?
Why can't we just be happy together?
How come he thinks it's me and I think it's him?
What the hell!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013


I've got stacks of books to read and stacks of journals to go with them.
And I never seem to get around to doing either....reading or journaling.
I've got dust bunnies under my feet that are larger than dust bunnies should be.
Laundry needs doing, need to run to the market, yard needs to be raked.
Grandbabies come again today at noon and the cartoons must be watched
and the baby must be played with even if I am too tired, or too busy.
Not complaining...I realize I am blessed beyond my own comprehension.
Just never seems to be enough time to get things done around here.
Most of the time I don't even have it in me to blog.
I need to finish parts 3 and 4 of why I left church but I don't want to any more.
Suffice it to say that church was boring and I hated it
from the time I was 14 until the age of 48.
Then all hell broke loose in my life.
And at the end of that breaking, Jesus Christ Himself showed up.
He redeemed me and forgave me and showed me a better life than the one that I was living.
And I grabbed on to Him with both hands and won't ever let go again.

That makes it seem like it was all wrapped up nice and tidy but it wasn't at the time.
Maybe some day I will fill in the blanks of this story about my transformation.
But for now, other things are calling for my attention.

So, again, I will say that I'll blog when I can
Maybe I'll even figure out how to be not so hard on myself
because things aren't getting done as I would like.
I'm playing with my grandaughter and watching cartoons with my grandson.
And for today, I am going to say that that is enough.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton