Friday, October 31, 2014

Rushing head long into anxiety

In my past life, rushing was everything.
It's what I did.
Hurry to get up and get dressed.
Hurry to get the kids out of the house and myself to work.
Hurry throughout the day.
Multi-tasking...answering phones while checking in patients while checking the mail while writing letters while checking patients back out... every single day was the same.
I worked a 10 hour day and rushed my way through it.
Reverse that later in the day...
Hurry to get the kids home.
Hurry to get dinner started.
Hurry to get everyone in bed.
Just to start it all over again the next morning.
Talk about burn out.
I hurried when I grocery shopped or cleaned the house.
I even drove fast. Rushing from one place to the next.
Is it any wonder at all that I have used up every ounce of my soul??
Is it any wonder that it has taken me the better part of 5 years to heal from that fast paced toxic life and learn to relax inside my own skin ?

This past Sunday found me hurrying again.
And I didn't like it.
Upon awakening, I knew I had a busy day.
I needed to clean the house and do laundry.
I needed to get to the store and pick up something for dinner, and grocery shop for the week.
We are planning on carving pumpkins after Sunday night dinner with the family.
And the first thing I thought about giving up was going to church.
"No time", I told myself.  "Too much to do."

After I thought about it for a minute I realized what a stupid idea that was.
For me, Church is one of the few places I go where I can sit still and relax.
I love the praise and worship music.
I love listening to Pastor Eric's sermons.
Church fills me with a sense of peace...why in the world would I choose to skip it?

So I decided that it would be a good idea to grocery shop before church.
Uh...not so good of an about rushing...

By the time I got to the checkout it felt like I had drunk 4 cups of coffee.
I'm the 4th person waiting in the line behind other shoppers with overly full carts.
I glance at the clock behind the customer service counter and I see that church starts in 10 minutes.
Crap. Crap. Crap.
I try to slow down my breathing. I can feel myself chuffing away like I've just finished a race.
My hands were shaking, I'm sweating like no other. What the hell?
I'm either having a heart attack or maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Enter in the cashier that is opening up a new check out line.
"Ma'am?" she says to me..."I'll take you over here in my line."
I start willy nilly tossing everything onto the belt. I keep dropping things.
I tell myself to slow down. Just. slow. down. and I can't.
It feels as if I'm gonna just pitch right over...
Like centrifugal force is driving me... I'm lurching for heavensake!
There is nothing wrong with me. Physically anyway.
It's just the hurry I'm in.

I had forgotten what's it's like to always be in a hurry.
Rushing and yelling and scowling and forcing square pegs into round holes.

And to think that I used to live my life like that.

I don't want that anymore.
I can't do that anymore.

My life is better at a slower pace.
I  live better, I am better at a slower pace.

I made it to church on time with a trunk full of groceries.
I sat back and listened to the Pastor and his sermon.
I listened to the praise and worship music.
I let myself feel the love and peace and forgiveness of Jesus.
I managed to clean the house AND mop the floors and do 4 loads of laundry
And make a family dinner AND carve pumpkins
And I managed it all without skipping church.

Next time I find myself wanting to do it all
I want to do it without the anxiety and hurry.
And what doesn't get done, doesn't get done.
Except for church. That gets done.


  1. This post makes me want to cry because it seems all I do is rush around. I don't remember the last time I just sat and did nothing. I work then my days off are spent GOING and DOING. I feel I am always on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The thing is, I don't know how to slow down. I am so tired, Lolly. Anything I could omit from my life are things that I enjoy like my weight loss support group and swimming. I would love to be able to go to one of my Quaker services where I can just sit for an hour in silence (Quakers sit in silence, we don't have a sermon) but I work Sundays.
    At this point, I am waiting for something to give. It is likely going to be me.

    Thank you for this post. It has given me something to meditate on. xo

  2. Oh I so relate to this. You articulated this so perfectly! However, this past month, I had a forced break of 2 days a week and it showed me how much I NEED the time to be able to live. I need to move at a slower pace and to just be with people and not rush through even my caregiving. And ditching the dog.....I went to an adoration service at the catholic church last week....sitting in silence to use anyway I want to worship God. I am not catholic, but anyone can go and I plan on going each week and I plan on committing an hour to this. I need it. I want it and only I can make it happen. I only go to one Alanon meeting a week....screw the person who said 1 meeting a week is just a meeting, 2-3 meetings a week is working a program. lol They didn't have a 13 year old girl at home still and work more than full time and have a junky daughter living in a shack somewhere. I am learning to balance my life out.....if I need or want an extra meeting I can add that as I want to. I am trying to add more simple things to my dinner, listening quietly without thinking of the million things that I will get to the minute this person shuts up. LOL Thank you for this post so much Lolly! It is exactly what I needed to hear to remind me to not get caught up in the rushing again, because I think it sneaks up on us and before we know it, there we are again!