Ohhh. You meant THAT kind of sorrow.

*Not getting the chance to say good-bye to my sister before she died. Not being able to talk to her anymore.  Lord, but I miss the sound of her voice.

*Missing my dad and remembering how awful the end of his life was and how my moms grief and panic made it so much worse on everyone.
She was particularly vicious and vindictive to me.
My two sisters and I could not for the life of us figure out why. She even went so far as to tell a family member (my absentee brother) to call the hospital security staff to have me removed from my dads hospital room as he lay dying. She had accused me of making fun of him and I told her to stop saying that.
How much I'd love to be able to talk to that calm, and caring man today.

*Never knowing the sound of my daughters voice or the color of her eyes or seeing her first tooth come in or watching her take her first steps or running through the yard and laughing while daddy chased and tickled her.

*The 28 years of hard drinking that wrecked the both of us. We were both so damn mean to each other. I'd love to go back and start again. But we don't get that chance, do we?
Yeah yeah, I know Alanon gives us some semblance of repair. But I want to know what him and I would be like if none of that damage had ever happened.

*My brother walking away from the family 34 years ago and never coming back. Except for the funerals of my sister and my dad. Fat lot of good that did anybody. Why only then??

*The horrific gift of animal euthanasia. And the hole in my life and heart that each of those beautiful souls have left behind.
Mojo, Fluffy, Baby, Junior, and Pup-pup.

*Syria and the choices the people on the round have had to make in order to survive. Where is God in this?

Where was God in ANY of this??

I lay and have laid all of this at the feet of Jesus. I've relinquished my pain and my anger and my dashed hopes.
We all have only done what we were capable of doing at the time.
I offer grace and forgiveness to my family, my friends, my husband.
But mostly I offer it up to myself.
Jesus doesn't want me to live a sorrow filled life.
And when you really think about it, most of those things on my sorrowful list are about death and dying, and what exactly is death and dying??
Isn't it really just moving from one place to another? Isn't it about going to our true home?
 It's about going home to live with Jesus. And again I ask, how can that be sorrow filled?
So I will take each day as at comes. Forgiving when necessary.
Loving others as I can.
Offering up peace, hope, grace and mercy to everyone I see.
Especially to myself.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

What sorrow?

What sorrow can I cast on Him?

I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry

Hank Williams

Hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
That means he's lost the will to live
I'm so lonesome I could cry
Did you ever see a night so slow
As time goes draggin' by
The moon just went behind the clouds

To hide its face and cry
The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry

I'm lonely. I haven't lost the will to live, but I am lonely.
I'm lonely for girlfriends. I'm lonely for neighbors over the back fence, chatting as we rake our leaves or needing a cup of sugar, or hey do you have an onion I can borrow?
I'm lonely for couples friends.
We have seating for 16 on our back patio and the only thing occupying any of those seats are Squirrels, birds and spiders.
I'd like to be friends with some of the mothers at my grandsons school for play dates and all that rot.
When school ended last May, I gave out my name, address and cell phone # to two of the mothers that would stand near me in the pick up line after school. Both of their boys had been in my grandsons class. I approached them and said that I would love to get the boys together over the Summer. I offered to meet with them at the school playground to give the boys a chance to play.
They did not offer me their addresses or phone numbers but still I was hopeful that they would call, since they had my number.

We (I) waited all Summer for the phone to ring. It didn't. The grand kids and I took a long walk around the neighborhood several times, trying to spot where some of the kids might live.
Now, mind you, I didn't do this in a creeping stalker kind of way.
I (we) simply walked the neighborhood looking at the houses and yards whilst listening for the sound of children laughing or splashing or playing ball or even talking. We heard nothing.
It was as if our entire neighborhood had turned into an old folks community.
Where were all the people? Where were all the kids? Why was there no noise?
We saw no bike riders, no kids splashing each other with the hose, nobody drawing chalk on the driveway, no hide-n-seekers, nobody running to meet the ice cream truck. No little kids in blow-up pools or hopping scotch or roller skating or skate boarding.
The houses were all quiet and the gardens were all well tended.
But there wasn't a shred of evidence that any children lived in these neighborhoods.
Where is everybody? What are they doing? Why do I not hear or see a soul?

I started to entertain the idea that perhaps our community had decided to hire someone like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
I waited to hear an elder yell at me from a shuttered window-
"Fraulein! Schnell schnell bitte, hide zee kinder"!

So we remained by ourselves all Summer. We went to the beach and the water park, the dollar store, McDonald's, the local ice cream shop, my daughters house to play with their cousins and marvel at her Koi pond, went boating with Uncle Matt, fishing with grandpa, swimming in my sisters pool. They were taken tent camping and to carnivals and to fireworks. I signed them up for the Summer Reading Club at our local library. We went to our local Nature Center and saw Butterfly's, and a live working beehive, frogs and Humming Birds, Hawks and Chipmunks and painted turtles.
It rained a ton in the beginning of Summer so we stayed inside and played board games, read books and played with dolls and played restaurant with the play food, made Matchbox race track courses and built ginormous train tracks for Thomas and his friends.
When the mosquito's grew to the size of pterodactyls, we again stayed in and turned on Netflix.
I made them picnic lunches and they ate with their eyes glued to the TV screen watching Moana, Finding Dory, and The Secret Life of Pets.
Summer break seemed to go by in a flash. It always does, doesn't it?
School started up again yesterday.

Today Fiona and I rode our bikes to get Patrick at the end of the school day.
And there they were...these two women, standing together again in the pick up line at school, waiting to get their boys.
One smiled at me and said "Hi, how was your Summer?" The other one ignored me.
She. Ignored. Me.    On purpose.
How do I know that? Please. We all know when it's being done on purpose.
We just do.

I wanted to feel sorry for myself. I tried. I initially wanted to be friendly with these women so the boys could play together but also so I could find some friends that I could do things with.
I find myself in a strange position of being the Nanny Granny and I feel my age keeps me from fitting in. I'm not a young, hip, cute mom, and I'm not the age of a high school babysitter either.
I find myself in lonely territory. It feels like a no-mans land. Nothing in common with the young moms. But still too young for the geriatric generation that likes to get the early bird special at 4:30 and be home before dark.

But as I was typing this post I re-saw all of the activities me and these two grandchildren of mine had done all Summer and it made me realize that we had had a pretty darn good time this Summer.
The only activity we missed was playing at that school playground.
So how can I feel sorrow over that?

Jesus shows up in so many different ways in my life.
I see his fingerprints all over these Summer activities I did with my grand kids.
Thank You for that Jesus, Thanks for everything.

This song!! I love it! Just goes to show that it is always about perspective. And gratitude.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

What prayers can I pray?

This is the next question from my list-

What prayers can I pray?

Yesterday I prayed that the whole damn world didn't go crazy watching the Eclipse.
Up here at the top of Illinois it was cloudy. Nothing much happened in our sky.
I had a pair of NASA approved glasses and when I put them on to look at the barely visible Sun all I saw was a small blurry orange ball in the sky.
There was no day turning to night, there was no black hole sun, no large looming and moving shadows, no screaming...
(Well, ok there was a little bit of screaming yesterday- the grandkids were here)
I have to say that I was disappointed. I wanted to see and feel that weird negative-like,  silvery feeling everybody was experiencing.
I wanted to scream in glory at what I was witnessing.
(Wait. I think I did that. I did tell ya that the grandkids were here yesterday,
didn't I?) lol
Already I am sick of looking at everybody else's solar eclipse pictures but honestly I think that's just jealousy talking.
So, Yay! I pray you all had a good time watching that miracle.

Ahem.

Somehow I threw my back out. On Saturday I cleaned the house.
Mopping floors, vacuuming rugs and carpets, changing sheets, 4 loads of laundry, the bathroom, the kitchen.
By that afternoon I was walking slow but it just felt strained and sore.
I never felt a pop or a pull. Never felt a defining moment that I had injured myself.
But on Sunday I had to leave church half way through. I couldn't stand the pain of sitting anymore.
I took it easy the rest of Sunday (kinda like you're supposed to!) and took Advil and napped.
Yesterday it felt a little better.
In the morning I took the grandkids out to our tomato patch to collect more tomatoes.
As I bent over to grab a few that were close to the ground I felt a zing.
Not a zing... a ZING.
I could barely stand back up. It took me a second to catch my breath and get my bearings and then the grandkids and I headed back into the house.
I put my husbands TENS unit on, took 3 Advil, laid on the couch with my knees elevated and told the grandkids to read books or watch a movie or play trains.
Two hours later I felt pretty good again.
I had a haircut appointment at 11:30 so I told these two to start picking up the toys.
When I bent over to pick up a box of toy trains (that my grandson can lift!!) it zinged again.
Only this time the zing made me drop that box of trains and it dropped me to my knees.
Granny said a lot of bad words right then I can tell you. A lot.
The pain was excruciating for a few seconds. Once I could stand I found I needed to walk a bit slower than normal.
Didn't stop me from driving to get my hair cut although it hurt like hell getting in and out of the car.
Hair cut is cute. She did a good job.
After we got home I laid back down and babied my back for the rest of the day.
I only hobbled outside that one time to look at that blurry orange solar eclipse.
Ice isn't helping but the TENS unit does as does Advil and taking it easy and not moving too much.
Today I am praying for the pain to not be as intense and I am praying for relief of my symptoms.

Last week I had my mammogram done.
They called 6 hours later and told me that they see something unusual and I need additional views and need to have an Ultrasound scheduled. I have an appointment for August 31.
Surprisingly that news did not send me over the edge. And I don't know why.
I worry about everything else under the Sun but I am not worried about this.
Still...I will be saying my prayers of protection and healing anyway.

My mother-in-law (who I detest) got stung by a bee and had a severe throat closing reaction.
I prayed for God to ease her pain and give her comfort.
That's it.
Dusted off my hands and moved on with my day.
God understands the history we have with each other.

And last but not least, I pray for DJT to be removed from office.
In any way possible.
And I know that might make you think of me as a horrible person.
And maybe I am.
But the fear he instills in this country, in the world, the fear he instills in me needs to be dealt with.

Don't hate me for that.
Pray for me instead.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

What Grace can I share?

I've been sick with an upper respiratory illness since July 6th.

And panic stricken with anxiety for a while before that.

My blood pressure has also been on the rise.

I'm sleep deprived from waking in terror, at God knows what, 

at 3:00am every night.

I'm short tempered... more so than usual, due to that deprivation.

The grand kids, the lord bless them, have felt it more than anyone.

I don't like being sick. It worries me. Why am I always sick? Am I always sick?

Am I being overly dramatic and simply being a hypochondriac?

I post a lot about feeling unwell on this blog.

Write what you live...Live what you write...is this true?

What about this one ...What you think about is what you live with?

Or What your thoughts dwell on is what you will experience in your life?

Am I causing my own misery?

Here's the thing-

I don't like appearing weak. Or needy. Or depressed. 

Or dumb or stupid or lazy or wrong.

Or having anxiety.

I have had issues with anxiety most of my married life. 

I would like to place some of the blame for that on him.

We lived a volatile existence for nearly 28 years, him and I.

Too much alcohol and not enough talking or praying or trusting from either of us.

I did the best I could with what I had to work with at the time.

I will say the same goes for him.

But he got well...ahem..."We" got well, and my anxiety has remained.

I just worry about different things now.

Grand kids becoming ill or dying. Car accidents or maybe a relative getting murdered. Tornado's or house fires or dropping dead from a heart attack. 

What is this madness???

Friday at my doctor appointment I was offered an olive branch by the Nurse Practitioner.

I told ya'll about feeling dismissed by my doctor a couple of weeks ago.

How she only wanted to prescribe me anti-anxiety meds...how she said that some people just have anxiety, and how I didn't really agree with her statement. 

I wanted a diagnosis; a reason FOR the anxiety.

Plus, I was too afraid to tell her that I am afraid of anxiety meds.

How's that for a statement?? I have anxiety over anxiety medication.

Anyway the Nurse Practitioner sat with me and listened to me. 

I told her about the rushing sound in my ears. I told her that the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears is starting to drive me mad...like the story of the Tell-Tale Heart. 

I told her about my headaches and my sleepless nights and gasp! I even told her about my 3:00am anxiety attacks.

When she touches my overheated skin with her icy cold hands I feel relief.

I feel a healing element pulsing beneath the touch of her fingers.

And it feels like compassion. It feels like grace. And it feels like I want to cry.

She discovers both eardrums filled to the brim with a thick glue like fluid.

"Have you had this since July?" she asks me

"Well it's no wonder you can't hear anything besides your heartbeat. It's also why you're not sleeping. The fact that you have an infection in your ears from this fluid plus the aggravation from the noise of that fluid pounding against your ear drums is causing you to lose sleep.

You need to sleep" she tells me. "Not sleeping is also causing your blood pressure to rise."

She prescribes a strong antibiotic, and also Mucinex to thin the fluid in my ears and....klonipin.

Klonipin....the dreaded anti-anxiety medication.

"Try it" she tells me. "Just take one. I'm giving you a very low dose. 

And I'm only giving you ten pills.

See if it doesn't at the very least help you stay asleep so we can address this blood pressure issue." 

I stare at that bottle of pills for an hour after I get home before I crack it open.

Down at the bottom are 10 yellow pills staring right back up at me.

"Take one", he says from behind me.

But I'm afraid to, I tell him.

"Nothings going to happen except you will fall asleep" he says.

But what if I feel weird after I take it? I ask him.

It feels like a weakness to me having to rely on anxiety medication.

I'm stronger than this, aren't I??

Anxiety, the wretch, always has to have its say, doesn't it?

I take one with a full glass of water and try to convince myself that I will still be alive in the morning.

I am hopeful that I won't wet the bed due to my euphoric stupor of taking this anxiety pill and then finding myself too paralyzed by the side effects to walk and too drugged to do anything but lay there and drool.

Good Lord but I am a head case, right??

Want to know what really happened after I took that pill??

I went to sleep. And slept all night. For 8 straight hours.

No drooling. No paralysis. No wetting the bed. No dying. No anxiety.

So today when I had to go back for a recheck she asked me how was I doing.

My ears are much better! No more heart pounding! No more headaches. 

And the blood pressure is almost back to normal...readings are much lower.

"How's the sleeping?" she asked.

The Klonipin worked wonderfully I admitted. Would it be alright if I got a 30 day prescription?

And just like that I offered up grace to myself.

I decided that it doesn't make me weak or wrong or dumb or lazy or stupid or anything else, to need that medication. It also didn't make me feel wonky so there is that.

I'm not sure why I insist on judging myself so harshly over this issue.

But for the time being I am allowing myself to just take it one day at a time.

Hmmm....Where have I heard that saying before?

So. What grace can I share?

How about this?

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

LaCrosse

The question I posted last week was-
What beauty can I behold?

We went on a quick little getaway last weekend, him and I. Took our little dog too.
First we headed up to our favorite place Devils Lake, Wisconsin.
On the way to Devils Lake we stop at our favorite rest stop in Janesville.
We are both creatures of habit, him and I.
We know what we like and we like what we know.
Stopped there to pee, let the dog go potty, and fuel up the truck.
He grabs a diet Coke, I grab a cold Starbucks Frappucinno and we're off again.
Is there beauty in any of that?
Probably not but it did feel good to pee after 2 hours of driving....

The scenery flying by the truck windows is mostly cornfields.
There is the occasional farm or pasture full of cows or pigs...smelly, but not beautiful.
I start noticing wild flowers by the side of the road.
Pink tufted twisted weeds (the pink was exquisite), purple daisy type flowers,
pink Clover, green and white Queen Ann's Lace, iridescent grasses, yellow flowers in all shapes and sizes.
The sky is a blue that I've not seen before...so bright and clear and nary a white cloud to be seen.

We make our way to the shit box town of Ontario, Wisconsin.
Sorry but that is an apt description right there.
Just outside of shit box Ontario is a winding road that leads to an Amish village.
And by winding road I mean steep, switchback, nausea inducing roads.
Half way up the dog sits up in her car seat and gives me a look that I interpret as:
"I'm getting real dizzy and gonna vomit in a second"
Truth be told, him and I feel a little bit queasy ourselves...these roads are not for the feint of heart.
How in the world do the Amish get their horse and buggies up and down these roads??

Once we get to the top rise, we enter into Amish territory.
It's then I realize that the Amish rarely go up or down these paved switch back roads.
As there are no blacktop roads up here at the top, only gently rolling hills and gravel roads.

We see horse and buggies with the ever present orange triangle attached to the back sitting in driveways and in front of really clean barns.
There is a  young teenage boy on the road up ahead, coming towards us, driving his little buggy faster than seems safe on this road.
We see a young girl, so young!! driving a team of draft horses by herself, while a man (her father?) tosses bales of hay onto the back of their wagon.
We see house after house, all white clapboard with black shutters exclusively.
They all appear to be three level houses with outside decks on all levels along with lots of open windows and huge hanging baskets of flowers in white, pink and purple.
I see quite a few rather large kitchen gardens and a lots of wash hanging on clotheslines.
Rounding one bend in the road we come upon what appears to be an 8 year old blond boy, walking by hisself, barefoot, down the dusting gravel road.
He is wearing the typical Amish straw hat, black pants and a teal colored button down shirt.
He waves at us.
Other than that teenage boy at the beginning, and the small family working in their field, he is the only other person we have seen up here. And he's the only one that waves at us.

Coming down off of their, uh...mountain, is a lot easier than going up.
Pretty soon we are zipping down another paved blacktop highway heading to LaCrosse.
The scenery seems typical; pastureland, farms, Historical Markers, Rest Stops.
We see hills and bridges and bodies of water we can't identify, lakes, rivers, streams.
Five hours later LaCrosse appears on the horizon in front of us.
One minute we were driving down a country road, then BAM..there is the town of LaCrosse.
It is beautiful here. It appears clean. It seems uncrowded. We found our hotel without a hitch.
The bed was really comfy and there was a nice green grass area out back for walking the dog.
We were only there for the night but I can already tell you that we will come back again some day.

This seems like a long post about nothing in particular but our small trip to Wisconsin.
Maybe the real beauty was that we arrived to our destination safely, we arrived back home safely,  our dog appeared to like traveling and DID NOT actually throw up on those winding Amish roads.
Maybe the beauty was in the fact that we enjoyed each others company, the hotel was more than we had hoped for, and the passing scenery on The River Road that we took home was amazing.
Rock outcroppings, parts of the Mississippi River seen through lots of green trees and forested lands.
I wished we had taken more pictures.
We were so in awe of what we were seeing and our surroundings that neither one of us thought to even take the camera out of its bag.
Maybe there's a certain type of beauty in that too though.
At least it gives us a decent excuse to go back.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly