On a Friday in February

Made both grand kids cry this morning so at least I'm winning.

Turn off the TV was shouted much too loudly.
So was get your coats on. And brush your teeth. And what are you doing?
It's like they were in a different world and could hear nothing I said.
And I guess they were, if I'm being honest.
They grow and live and have their being in a children's world.
The cartoon cat they watch on TV every morning can render them useless. And deaf.
I mean no disrespect to them by saying that.
THEY are not useless beings, nor are they deaf.

After my screaming grown up tantrum, my beautiful 8 year old grand boy walked over to me with tears in his eyes, stood before me and started to cry. Silently. Sadly. Like he was heartbroken.
And I suppose he was.
Granny had done a good job of snapping at that beautiful boy's spirit this morning.
He fit himself into my arms and laid his head on my shoulder and sobbed.
I hugged him and squeezed him extra hard while apologizing for yelling so loudly.
His sister on the other hand was standing to my right with a mutinous look on her 4 year old face.
Arms crossed in front of her, eyebrows drawn together, she also had tears in her eyes.
"Why are you yelling so loud Granny? That hurts my ears" she says.
Why indeed Granny?

It seems every morning I find myself apologizing for snapping and shouting at them.
It also seems that every morning they listen to me less and less.
Uh... do I see a pattern here??
My husband likes to tell me that talking quietly gets better results than yelling.
Under my breath I quietly told him to shut up.
He's Disneyland Grandpa. I'm Disciplinarian Granny.
He sees them for 20 minutes at the end of the day.
By that time breakfast and lunch have been prepared and fought over and not eaten, hair has been combed, shoes and jackets have not been put on, groceries have been purchased, errands run, homework finished, toys fought over, crying and fighting have been dealt with, and mommy is almost here to pick them up. At 5:00pm it has been a nine hour day for me.
Time to get dinner started!

Sometimes I feel under appreciated by all of them.
Sometimes I feel like all I do is yell.
Sometimes I feel so much guilt for yelling at them that I cry myself.
Sometimes I just want to take a nap for maybe a solid week.

As I am typing this, I have had to stop and "yell" at my granddaughter for jumping on the couch.
Four times. Four times I have to asked her to stop jumping on the couch and the fifth time I yell.
"Why are you yelling all day?" she asks?

Sigh... I am exhausted and it is 10:30 in the morning.

I realize that this sounds ungrateful and whiny.
I realize that this makes me seem like I am an angry mad yelling granny.
Well ....They started it!!
haha

I don't have any words of wisdom to offer. No pithy little sayings.
On a Friday in February I am tired.
Tired of yelling, tired of being grouchy, tired of them not listening, tired of being tired. I'm tired of the gloomy skies, tired of feeling guilty and I am tired of winter.

Ok, I guess I do have a little saying to put in here...
It's just a bad day, not a bad life.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest and
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

**an addendum- Liz Petrone breaks my heart.  Read this.