Telling the truth

 To say that I have been on an emotional roller coaster is quite the understatement.

Him and I are, to put it simply, devastated.

All of our future plans and dreams have vanished into thin air.

He was going to retire next year.

The places we wanted to go, the things we wanted to do....are gone.

We wanted to load up our Harley into the back of our RV and ride off into the sunset with our little dog.

Neither one of us has ever seen the western United States.

Well...we did go to South Dakota but what we were talking about was West.

Montana, California, Washington state, maybe Vancouver Island so I could try to find Birdie.

I wanted to go East and see Martha's Vineyard, Maine, New Hampshire too.

Next year we said. Next year we would hit the road. Next year we would head out to new adventures.

We wanted to park our RV on the beach down near the gulf of Mexico. 

We wanted to wake up with the sound of the ocean coming in through the open windows.

We wanted to see the Redwoods, the Sierra Mountains, that bridge in Oregon with the waterfall.

Jackson Hole Wyoming, The Grand Canyon, Sante Fe.

****************************************

His cancer seems to be advancing at an alarming speed.

They have not given us a time line other than perhaps 6 mos to a year.

I am having difficulty processing this sometimes. I am forgetful. I forget to eat some days.

I am sad. I cry a lot. My heart breaks for the grand children who love him so much.

You can see the worry in their eyes. His eyes sometimes are vacant and stare off into space.

Some mornings when I wake him I can see his old self lurking there behind the pain.

I'll say to him " There you are. You're back. Wanna stay a while?"

He asks for pain meds and I lose him again to the medicine that keeps him comfortable.

This feels like such a fucking nightmare.

I don't want this to be our life. I don't want this for him. I don't want to be a widow.

It is so incredibly unfair.