:(

It's 10pm on a Sunday night and I need someone to talk to.

I'm so damn sad and lonely.

I checked Google for grief counseling in my area and it only made me cry harder.

Listen to me.

I am not suicidal. I am sad.

I miss my husband. 

I miss having him to talk to.

I don't like being alone.

It's been 5 months since I've seen him.

And at this moment I don't know how to go on.

A conversation with you in my head

I don't believe you are in heaven looking down on me.

I don't believe that you are watching out for me nor do I believe 

that you are a red cardinal at the feeder or a butterfly in the garden.

Your absence is heavier than I ever thought it would be.

I so badly want to lay eyes on you again. I want to kiss you and hold hands.

I want to smell you and feel you scooch close to me as we sleep together.

I want to ride our Harley on a sunny day with your hand resting on my thigh.

I want to walk the dog around the block without crying at the corner of Maple and Ash because for some odd reason that is where I miss you the most.....on a street corner.

I went grocery shopping and saw all of your favorite things you liked to eat on the shelves and I froze in the aisle deciding if I wanted to buy them anyway.

Our boy drives your truck now, that huge ginormous Ford F-250.

For a split second me and the dog both forget as it pulls in the driveway who is actually driving it.

We are getting ready to sell the boats and I realized that I will never get to sit in the middle of the lake with you and watch you fish anymore.

I can still smell that water and I remember how I always told you that it felt like silk as I dragged my hands through the water as you trolled around the west end searching for "Walter" the big Pike.

I've cried a lot as I wrote this and I'm tired now so I'm gonna go take a nap.

Love you Hon.

Things I have discovered about grief

I'm gonna grow old without him. I'm sad that we won't get to see each other get old and gray.

I've forgotten where and why and how to find gratitude. And at the moment I don't care.

I no longer find joy in reading, in fact I can't concentrate long enough to even begin a book.

I need to sell the RV.  It was our dream to travel together after retirement-

I am not going by myself.

I hate all of the clutter we've accumulated over the years and I want it gone...

all of it.

He has hidden cash all over this house. I keep finding wads of it everywhere. WTH?  Bless him.

I read somewhere that widowhood year two is worse than year one and I cannot imagine how.

Jesus doesn't answer prayer, even when you beg. I knew this 36 years ago but overtime I forgot.

Loneliness can feel physically painful and there is no medicine for this type of pain.

It's hard learning how to grocery shop and cook for just one. 

It's ok to sleep in on a day when you don't have anything to do.

Sleeping too much and not enough are both exhausting in their own way.

I was surprised at how quickly the rest of the world moved on without him.

Most people have no idea how acutely painful grief is. And there is no way to explain it to them.

Grief is lonely and lonesome and makes you feel alone.

I hate it with every fiber of my being.

Lolly