Since you've been gone

There are times when there is no one to call.

Times when crying is the only thing that helps, if only for a brief moment.

Times when I am so lonely I don't have any other choice but to cry in the privacy of my own house in the privacy of my own pain.

It has been 3 years which means everything and nothing at the same time.

Three years... Aren't you over it yet??

Three years... My God it seems like just yesterday...

In my dreams you talk to me, you love me, hug me, sleep with me.

In the morning I am so disappointed that you are still gone and it was only  dream.

I hate sleeping alone.

I hate that you aren't here to kiss me, hug me, to make me feel safe.

I hate that the RV is gone and that Kevin and his wife are loving it like we did.

The grandkids are getting older. And they are losing their memories of you.

I can't stand that. I can't stand the fact that you are disappearing from their lives!

I miss riding the Harley with you.

I miss going to the hardware store with you.

I miss cooking for you.

I miss you in our bed at night.

Some days the pain is still so damn raw.

It has been 3 years which means everything and nothing at the same time.

Grief has altered my life in so many ways.

I just want normal. And I am afraid that this IS my new normal.

Sometimes there aren't enough words to describe this feeling.

I am ruined. I am different. I am forever changed.

There is joy. But the heartache remains.

Love, Lolly

True North

Why is it so wrong to still be so sad?

My husband died, my (his) dog died,

Our retirement dreams died.

It's been 3 years.

Isn't it still ok to be sad?

I think so.

I can't imagine wrapping this up with a bow on top.

I can't imagine what normal feels like anymore.

I want everything back...

Him, her, our RV, our future, .....my life.

Moving on is like treading through cement, still.

I. Don't. Know. How. To. Move. On.

Move on?...... to what?!?

True north is gone.

I don't know what way to go.

There isn't a word to describe this loneliness that I feel.

What, where, when is the way forward?

How do I LIVE again?

A slow rolling Fog

I want no pity.

I don't even expect understanding.

I just need to write this out.

There is a fog that has enveloped me since he died 3 years ago.

A fog that I have been unable to find my way out of.

I am tired. I am sad. I want nothing but to sleep forever. 

I am not suicidal. I am sad and lonely and lost and tired, so very tired.

I am finding it so hard to move on without him.

I read somewhere that after fight or flight comes freeze.

The fight and the flight was his illness and death.

The freeze is not being able to move on or think or process this new life.

Most days I am ok with this weird lonely life.

Other days the blanket of fog rolls over me and keeps me tethered to the couch.

I've always been my own advocate when it comes to living with grief.

My motto is Space and Grace. Space to process and Grace for my hurting heart.

I will not hurry through this to please others.

Each day finds me learning or doing new things.

Things that he used to take care of that are now my responsibilty.

Today I unclogged the bathtub. 

There is also a drip under the bathroom sink that I need to investigate.

His lil 15 year old dog pee'd the bed last night so I spent the remainder of the day

washing sheets, blankets, and the comforter.

Found that the cat puked in the grandkids toy room days ago so I'm scrubbing that up too.

I've found that grief is boring. It is lonely. It is isolating.

I have nothing to talk about. My life is dull.

No one wants to hear about grief after a while.

I've lost the ability to look for gratitude and joy.

I want to be happy and upbeat but I'm not. And I don't know how to fake it.

Nor do I want to fake it. This is a hard season in my  life. Grief is hard.

But I'll just keep slogging through it. 

And eventually, I believe, I'll turn a corner.

I miss you guys. I miss blogging. I miss reading about your lives.

Is anybody still out there writing and reading posts??

Thanks for reading,

Love Lolly