I want no pity.
I don't even expect understanding.
I just need to write this out.
There is a fog that has enveloped me since he died 3 years ago.
A fog that I have been unable to find my way out of.
I am tired. I am sad. I want nothing but to sleep forever.
I am not suicidal. I am sad and lonely and lost and tired, so very tired.
I am finding it so hard to move on without him.
I read somewhere that after fight or flight comes freeze.
The fight and the flight was his illness and death.
The freeze is not being able to move on or think or process this new life.
Most days I am ok with this weird lonely life.
Other days the blanket of fog rolls over me and keeps me tethered to the couch.
I've always been my own advocate when it comes to living with grief.
My motto is Space and Grace. Space to process and Grace for my hurting heart.
I will not hurry through this to please others.
Each day finds me learning or doing new things.
Things that he used to take care of that are now my responsibilty.
Today I unclogged the bathtub.
There is also a drip under the bathroom sink that I need to investigate.
His lil 15 year old dog pee'd the bed last night so I spent the remainder of the day
washing sheets, blankets, and the comforter.
Found that the cat puked in the grandkids toy room days ago so I'm scrubbing that up too.
I've found that grief is boring. It is lonely. It is isolating.
I have nothing to talk about. My life is dull.
No one wants to hear about grief after a while.
I've lost the ability to look for gratitude and joy.
I want to be happy and upbeat but I'm not. And I don't know how to fake it.
Nor do I want to fake it. This is a hard season in my life. Grief is hard.
But I'll just keep slogging through it.
And eventually, I believe, I'll turn a corner.
I miss you guys. I miss blogging. I miss reading about your lives.
Is anybody still out there writing and reading posts??
Thanks for reading,
Love Lolly
