an update

 I lay here trying to sleep but feel too keyed up and anxious to free fall into slumber.
It feels like I am having palpitations. 
My body keeps jerking as if it's trying to kick start my heart. 
My brain refuses to cooperate with any part of my body...instead rushing head long into the dangerous territory of the what if's.
My thoughts are incoherent and racing. Nothing makes sense.
I've moved to the couch so I don't keep waking up my husband with my restless tossing and turning.
It is 2:00am. 
I feel cold and slightly uncomfortable on this living room couch.
I can see a green glow from the digital clock on the microwave in the kitchen. It is so bright.
I hear the neighbors car door slam. I hear what sounds like scratching in the duct work.
A mouse maybe? I hear snoring from our bedroom. I hear the blood rushing in my ears.
I long to be back in my bed and to be sleeping soundly.
I need to pee, again.
I am so frustrated with these damn panic attacks.
I want them to either kill me already or to just fucking stop.
I know the panic attacks won't kill me but the symptoms still feel like I'm about to die.
Racing heart, shortness of breath, trembling legs, incoherent thoughts, difficulty swallowing, numbness and tingling in my face and hands*.

I learned of a meditation technique where I place one hand upon my heart followed by the other and I press down and take slow deep breaths. It seems to work for a while.
Which in all honesty makes me believe that this is indeed panic attacks I am having and not MS or a brain tumor or some other horrible plague.
But I still have no clue as to the trigger. 
Why am I awakened by these things in the middle of the night? 
What is it that is trying to make itself known to me and why in the name of all that is holy is it necessary for these racing thoughts to show themselves at the ungodly hour of 2:00am???
The other night I said to God- 
"Ok, God, you've got my attention. It's 2:00am. Whaddya want?"
He didn't answer me.
I laid there trying to pray but my racing thoughts kept getting in the way.
In the morning I am groggy and on edge. Sleep deprivation is no small thing.

Since my last post in June I have had 3 severe attacks. 
I almost made my husband take me to the ER at 4:00 in the morning one time but felt stupid because the symptoms were vague and hard to pin down. 
I have never felt so ill and ill at ease in my life.
Each time, along with the other symptoms mentioned above*, my legs went numb and my flight instinct kicked in. It was uncontrolled panic. I was afraid to fall back asleep those 3 times. 
Hold my hand, I begged him...and I held his as if it was a lifeline to keep me tethered to this world.
A few hours later the symptoms are completely resolved. That's it. Just gone.
I don't consciously feel nervous during the day. I'm not worrying or obsessing about anything. 
Well NOW I am cuz now I worry about getting woke up every night feeling panicky.

I will say that I have noticed that some of my daily devotionals have been rather supportive. 
Each one has been about  trusting Him and walking with Him and seeing the light with Him.
If you have Jesus Calling by Sarah Young  read the pages from June 23 through July 2. 
They have been especially helpful to me.
And also I found the following Bible verse to be uplifting as well.

At the same time the Spirit also helps us in our weakness, because we don't know how to pray for what we need. But the Spirit intercedes along with our groans that cannot be expressed in words.
~Romans 8:26 God's Word Translation

So here I am with my wordless groans and my complaints and my panic attacks.
I'm feeling sort of regular today. Which is good. I slept through the night last night which is better than good.
I go to the Dr. at 1:30 today. Let's see what she has to say about these attacks of mine.

I'll keep ya posted.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

High Anxiety

I've emailed Birdie for advice on anxiety.
It's just about killing me and   I. Don't. Know. Why!
It's gotten so severe in the last three days and I am having difficulty functioning normally.
I had a full complete physical exam in May and checked out ok. But I wasn't having the anxiety then.

Truthfully I don't know what to do about this. It is attacking me in the middle of the night. The house is dark and still and very quiet which makes it worse. I woke my husband up the first night it happened and made him talk to me. Bless him, he called into work and stayed home with me until I felt better. He went to work at noon since my symptoms were entirely gone by that time.
I have never had it this bad before. And it scares me.
My God! I think to myself...Is it a brain tumor? Do I have MS? Am I having a silent heart attack?
The symptoms are gone in the light of day. No palpitations, no fear, no trembling limbs, no chest pain, no trouble swallowing, no nausea, no feeling of doom....nothing.
Grand kids still come over every day. We play, do crafts, I do laundry in between bike rides and trips to the grocery store. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner. I walk the dog.
But when bedtime comes around I begin to feel afraid.
I don't want the symptoms to come back again.
They are god awful.  Why do they only attack in the middle of the night?
I'm trying to figure it out on my own by the process of elimination.
I'm down to drinking only one cup of coffee a day. I stopped drinking all alcohol. No chocolate either.
I had a great idea for a different post but find I cannot concentrate on anything except for the way I feel which is tired and anxious and uncertain.

I'm sorry to be venting about this here. But I don't know what else to do.
I asked Birdie if she thought writing about it would perhaps make it go away.
Or maybe journaling would help me to sort out why all of a sudden I've got it this bad.

So this is me getting started with the writing down of the beginning and maybe soon another post about how I'm doing in the meantime. I'd appreciate your prayers.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Morning

Genesis 1:3-5New International Version (NIV)

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

 4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.

5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” 

And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

I never considered myself a morning person. When I was working 40+ hours a week mornings were always so damn painful...metaphorically speaking.

I hated morning.

I'd have to get up at 5:00am in order to be the first of 5 people in the shower. 

(We only have the one bathroom)

And let me tell you 5:00am never felt, to me, like a normal time to get out of bed.

I was always so tired during the day. 

I worked 12 hour days, 4 days a week, while occasionally eating lunch on the run. 

Mostly I fueled myself with a steady diet of coffee and cigarettes. 

Back then I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. 

Good lord but that is a lot of smoking before, but mostly after working all day.

If I'm honest, I never really felt well back then only driven or amped or hyper.

And I thought that since I was always moving I was getting stuff done.

I did get stuff done but there wasn't any heart behind it. Or kindness. Or thought really.

I was on autopilot. Ticking things off of my to-do list like a general.

I felt little joy and my soul was shriveled up like a raisin.

On the morning I was fired, 8 years ago, I didn't want to be working there anymore and truthfully, they didn't want me to be working there anymore either.

It felt like a severing though. I felt cut, raw, hurt and injured.

Now it just so happened that my sister and her family were traveling to Florida that morning.

When I called to tell her of my firing, she invited me to go to Florida with them in their car.

I gladly accepted and soon found myself wedged into their conversion van in the last open seat, 

along with 5 other people and assorted pieces of luggage, shoes, snacks, bottles of water and beach supplies.

I was happy to be heading south to the Sunshine state. I was a little crowded and a lot carsick but otherwise my destination is what kept me happy and smiling.

On the second morning of our trip I found myself alone, sitting outside of a Cracker Barrel restaurant somewhere in bumfuck Arkansas, drinking a nasty cup of to-go coffee, smoking a cigarette and crying. (The rest of the family was inside eating.) 

I didn't know what I wanted to do. I certainly didn't want to be eating at that Cracker Barrel I can tell you that! I felt panicky. I regretted taking this last minute trip with my sister's family, because all of them squished inside that overly full van, kept arguing with each other.

It was driving me insane driving with all of them.

I wanted silence. I wanted to go over my firing in my mind and pick apart every word that had been said by my bosses and by me. I wanted to nurse my indignation and my heartache. I wanted peace in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. And I wasn't getting any of it.

The third morning of my trip found me awake at, you guessed it, the ungodly hour of 5:00am.

But I could smell the salt air and I could hear the ocean from the open window of our Condo so I got up and headed outside to take in the view.

That view of the white sand and the blue-grey-green water that meets the sky never disappoints.

As the waves roll in towards shore there is the subtlest sound of Yah-Weh.

Yah as it rolls in, Weh as it pulls back out. 

It's like the ocean is breathing His very name every time a wave comes ashore.

It instantly settled my soul and I took my first deep breath of air in weeks. I felt myself starting to unkink...felt my soul start to expand.

There is something about the smell of the ocean...I wish I could bottle and smell this all the time.

The feel of the sticky sand on my feet, the little tiny birds running running running on the beach, 

even the sound of the seagulls is something that puts me to rights.

Every morning for the entire week I was in Florida was spent on that beach staring into nothing and yet also staring directly into and hearing the very breath of God.

If I close my eyes I can hear it still today. And remember how it felt to be so near the sound of YahWeh and how comforted and held I felt.

Now I get up at 5:30am in the morning and it no longer bothers me. 

It's so automatic I don't even need to set an alarm clock. I even look forward to it.

Because the first thing I do is grab a cup of coffee and then I head to my desk where I keep my devotionals and my Bibles and I say a good morning to YahWeh and I thank Him for the morning, for THIS morning and for other mornings to come. And I am grateful. So very grateful to be up at 5:30am.

                                                 YahWeh

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

Time off

I've not been alone like this in a long time.
Barely an hour ago there were 2 laundry baskets full of kids clothes, 2 sleeping bags, pillows and blankets, stuffed animals, shoes, rain boots and slickers, back packs full of toys, and glitter strewn about my living room.
Now it's gone, all of it.
All of their trappings loaded into their car.
Even the glitter has been vacuumed up.
The house is so quiet that it is buzzing.
The dog is asleep on the back of the couch.
It is just starting to drizzle outside.
My husband is on his way home from the Northwoods. He'll be home in 7 hours.
My grandson is at school and my granddaughter was just picked up by her mother (my daughter).
The grand kids have been staying with me for the last week while their parents were on vacation.
My daughter wondered aloud wouldn't it be nice to have the house quiet again.
But honestly, I feel lonely. And I cried when they pulled out of the driveway.
When I shut the front door and turned around the house felt empty.
Three hours ago I was yelling at a 4 year old for dumping out the entire container of glitter onto the table. Now my ears are ringing due to the silence.
I was sick with an ear infection and a sinus infection the entire time they were here.  You'd think I'd be wanting to take a long nap.
But it's not true. I don't feel like napping.
I have a stack of books from the library but I don't feel like reading.
I'd like to work in my garden but it's raining...again.
To tell ya the truth I feel a bit lost. And not quite sure what to do with myself.

What a ridiculous complainer I am.
I'm lonely.
It's raining.
These books are boring.
YOU DON'T DUMP OUT THE ENTIRE BOTTLE OF GLITTER!

I've just been handed a gift of a few hours to myself.
Time off from the grand kids and housework.
Six hours of nothing but free time, six hours of me time.
And I don't have any idea what to do with or for myself.

What would you all do with six hours of uninterrupted free time?
I'm taking suggestions.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

A dry spell in the wet weather

I find myself in a bit of a dry spell.
No words come. My mind is a blank.
No thoughts seem worthy enough for sharing.
It's been a month since I last posted.
And still I've got nothing new to say.

In the daily minutia that is my life, every single thing seems exactly the same.

And yet, things are different too. It's just not noteworthy.

It just keeps raining here. Every damn day it seems.
I've not yet been able to get out and work in my garden
because it's either raining or it's too wet from having just rained the day before.
I did put up rabbit fencing around my strawberry plants.
Last year a rabbit ate all the flowers off the plants and we only got 1 strawberry that had been hidden under the leaves.
I've seen that rabbit in the yard again...I'm hoping that he can't hop over my fence.

The grand kids are staying with me for a week. Their parents are at a Harry Potter type convention in New Hampshire and my husband is on his annual trip to the North Woods.
I developed a terrible ear infection and a sinus infection on the day they all left.
This morning I developed a cough.
I feel pretty horrible but the kids are behaving so well that it's not bothering me to have them underfoot.
Everybody returns home in four days.

That's it. I've got nothing else to add. I could use me a nap.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Easter is...

Easter is...over. Yes, I know.
But I wanted to tell you about a blog post that I read where the writer asked this as an open ended question-  Easter is...
And us readers were to fill in the blank as we saw fit.
I probably should have said Easter is... The Resurrection.
That Easter is...all about Jesus and praise and worship and the Triune God.
And going to Church because you should. And He is Risen..He is risen indeed.

But I'll be honest here.
The first response that went through my mind was Easter is...Ham.
And colored eggs. And potato salad. And going to Church because I want to.
And a family party afterwards where eight small kids, all under the age of seven, hunted for plastic filled Easter eggs in a backyard.
Green grass outside and blossoms on all of the trees.
Tulips and daffodils flaunting their colors.
Gaily decorated baskets full of candy and small trinkets.
A new dress in pastel colors.
Easter is... Spring and warmer weather and everything being new and renewed.
It's lighter in the morning when we wake up and it stays light a lot longer in the evening.
It's the lime color of newly grown plants and buds on trees.
It's wispy white clouds in the sky and more Robins in my yard than I can count.
It's rain for days on end then it's a sunny day that makes a body feel more alive than before.
Easter is doing yard work and cleaning out the flower beds still strewn with last years dead leaves.
It's Hostas that come out of the ground the color of plums then watching as they turn into a lovely shade of emerald green.
It's Lily of the Valley and Lilacs bushes in full bloom and the smell is a heady mixture of pure joy.
It's open windows and fresh air and turning the thermostat way way down.
It's life or rather it's new life.
It's the Earth and us winter weary humans coming back to life.
It's warming and rising and watching nature unfold in her beautiful, colorful, brilliance.
It's the easing of darkness and shadows and cold.
Easter is... family and warmth and light and love and Jesus.

Here's hoping that you and yours and a wonderful Easter spent with loved ones.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Currently I'm...

I am doing another type of writing exercise on my blog today. I like the prompts with some of these lists that I find on Pinterest. They give me a bit of structure, which I appear to need and also it gives me a bit of a push to keep on writing.

CURRENTLY I'M...

1. Reading- Small Wonder by Barbara Kingsolver.
2. Playing- Thomas trains with the grand kids.
3. Watching- Some sort of cartoon on Netflix (I'm not actually watching this but the kids are).
4. Trying-  To not drink so much coffee.
5. Cooking- Shrimp and Asparagus for dinner tonite.
6. Eating- Two pieces of toast as I type this.
7. Drinking- My third cup of coffee.   *see #4
8. Calling- My sister later to see if she is feeling better. She has a wicked bad head cold.
9. Texting - My son to ask about his cat who has lived with us for a year and was picked up last night by my son and brought to his house to live from now on. I loved him. I'm sad to see him go.
10. Pinning- Journal prompts.     
11. Tweeting- Nothing. I am not on Twitter.
12. Crafting- Easy Easter crafts for the grand kids to make.
13. Scrapping- Nothing. I don't scrap book either.
14. Doing- The last load of laundry for today
15. Going- To Kohl's tomorrow to look for a shirt to wear for Easter.
16. Loving- The sunshine I see today. It has rained 8 out of the last 14 days.
17. Hating- That allergy season has started up again already.
18. Discovering- That I miss having my son's cat in the house. I love the very presence of a feline
19. Enjoying- The very last piece of cake from my son's birthday.
20. Thinking- DJT has two squirrels and a yo-yo that take up most of his brain cavity. What an incompetent nincompoop.
21. Feeling- Grateful for a good nights sleep last night. I've had insomnia off and on for the last week and it's starting to make me a bit cranky.
22. Hoping (for)- My grandaughter to go potty today. I gave her some cheese last week and it bound her up something fierce. I feel terrible for giving it to her. She is miserable.
23. Listening (to)- Birdsong outside my bedroom window.
24. Celebrating- Last week we celebrated my son's 28th birthday. My daughters 30th birthday is next weekend and then the week after that we will be celebrating our 34th wedding anniversary
25. Smelling- Pine trees and woodsmoke on a quick Harley ride we took last Sunday.
26. Thanking- God that our little dog seems to be getting better after her latest bout of Colitis.
27. Considering- Getting my eyebrows done. I've never had them done before. Maybe it's time.
28. Finishing- This post which has taken me much longer to finish than I thought it would.
29. Starting- To see plants sprouting in my gardens. HELLOOO Spring! It can't come soon enough this year. As much as I like the cooler weather of Winter, Spring makes me feel so incredibly alive!

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly