Heart and Soul

Ok. It's been a while since I posted.
There is something that I have noticed about my blog writing.
I write better when I am filled with anxiety. Or mad. Or sad. Or pissed off.
So I guess you could say that when I don't post here things are going well.
And they are with a few exceptions.

In the last two weeks we have had 2 separate late season snow storms.
Each storm dumped 8 inches of snow on our little corner of the world.
It wasn't awful, but my heart and soul are very weary of the whiteness outside.
Winter seems to have lasted a very long time this year.

We celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary by buying ourselves an RV.
It's a Toy Hauler, which means we can drive the Harley right up a built in ramp in the back, tie it down and secure it in the "living area", and then when we get to our destination, we will back the Harley down the ramp and then the Toy Hauler becomes our little home away from home.
It's got a queen bed, a shower and a little tiny tub and toilet, oven/stove, microwave, cupboards, couch, table, all the creature comforts of home.
We've had fun, him and I, buying all the necessary equipment and supplies we will need to take with us when we hit the road.
He retires in 3 years and we hope to travel around these here United States in our RV with our Harley and our little dog.
Now this man has aggravated me more often than not these past 36 years and let me tell you...
When he started talking about retirement I thought to myself 
"Girlfriend you are gonna kill him."
He likes to talks a lot in the morning. About nothing.
Especially to me, especially when I am reading my devotions and praying and having my Jesus time.
I am really glad when he leaves for work in the morning so I can settle back down and concentrate.
But retirement means him sitting next to me with his coffee, blathering on about whatever, every single solitary day.
It is distracting to me.
I love this man, heart and soul but I dislike his talking just for the sake of talking, just to fill in the silence. I find peace and pleasure in the silence.
Now I get the irony of this situation...I do. It's not very nice to be thinking mean things and wanting him to shut up when I've got Jesus on the line, ya know??
"Listen Pal! For the love of God, I'm talking to Jesus, STOP bothering me!!"
We are going to have to work something out in the close confines of this trailer.
But the thought of him and I being able to travel together is feeling pretty good right now.
And the thought of him retiring is not as repugnant to me as I once thought.
See?? Jesus does answer prayer. (Thank You Jesus for favors granted.)

The one other exception to my happiness lately would be the little 5 year old boy named A.J. Freund.
You may have seen it on the news. His drug addicted parents beat him to death, buried him in a shallow grave then waited 3 days to call the cops and report him as a missing child.
It is and has been heartbreaking to hear the 911 call, to see the mother "crying" on TV, to  be told of the condition of the house they lived in and the fact that they have had Child Protective Services involved with this family for the last 5 years and multiple police calls to the house for theft and battery and drugs.
This house is 2 blocks behind my own house.
These two adults who used to be his parents went on TV and begged him to come home, the mother even went on Good Morning America to beg his return, all the while KNOWING that he was already dead and buried, ALREADY KNOWING that she had beaten him to death 4 days prior.
My mind cannot comprehend this sort of behavior.
I went to high school with the dad. He was crowned Homecoming King.
He was the popular kid. He became a lawyer.
What in the actual hell happens to people that they can change so drastically?
Drugs, yes, but was there no time when, as they were punching him in his head as they held him down in an ice cold shower that neither of them thought to themselves....
"Wait. STOP! What are we DOING right now?!?
I am truly heartsick over this. Our whole town is heart broken.
We all searched for that boy.
I checked my backyard for him and yes, I even checked my garbage cans for him when the truth finally came out that they were now just looking for a body.
My hope is that Jesus was with that baby (and I know He was) and that perhaps Jesus stepped in and took that boys spirit moments before they landed the final blow.
I didn't know this boy but my heart and soul ache for him nonetheless.
And if I'm truthful, my heart aches for his parents too because I believe one day
they will realize just what it is they have done and no amount of crying or jail time or rehab is going to be able to fix it.
May Jesus have mercy on their souls.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

A Breath Prayer

To breathe

To simply be

To be aware of your presence

To make time to Be Still

To make time to worship and adore

For the gifts of your Love

For the gifts of your Grace

For your presence in our lives

For you, O Lord, I give you thanks

In your mercy, hear this humble prayer

Dona Nobis Pacem et in Terra

Grant Us Peace on Earth

~Pastor Michael Moore's blog

40 days and nights

With the exception of a few hours here and there, I have been off social media since I last posted.
I have been sick since my last post, February 21st.
I ain't never, in my whole life, ever been sick for 41 days in a row.
This virus was a muther@#$%*!
Pardon my french.

Want to know the details?
I'm sure you do.
Headache, double ear infection, coughing, shortness of breath, sore throat, body aches, exhaustion,
bronchitis, sinus infection, ringing ears, hearing loss, hoarse voice, dizziness and guilt.

I went grocery shopping one day, came home, put the groceries away and needed to take a nap for two hours. It literally wore me out.
I slept the day away almost every day. My head would start nodding around 10:00am.
I'd set an alarm clock so I would wake up in time to get the grandkids from school at 3:00pm.
They'd watch cartoons after school and I would doze on the couch.
I ate homemade chicken soup, drank green tea, took Elderberry syrup, drank vitamin C drinks,
put Thieves essential oil in my diffuser and on my feet, took long hot showers, napped when I could.

But it has been a very long end to winter this year and I sincerely hope that I am never ever
that sick again.

Gotta run. I am making another couple of batches of chicken soup since I depleted our entire supply
that we keep in the deep freezer.
Hope you are all doing well.
Happy Spring you guys!!

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

A sacred space

I spoke with a Spiritual Director last week. Her name is Alexis.
I had signed up to attend her workshop titled Sacred Spaces.
Sacred Spaces is about letting yourself experience God in new and different ways.
It's also about learning to find God in the mundane and ordinary lives we all lead.

There were different stations set up around the room.
At each station there were instructions to read or pictures to look at or music to listen to and finally a Youtube video to watch.
Also paper and pens were provided to write down any notes or thoughts or feelings or answers.
These were the names of the individual stations-

* Praying through Images
* Lectio Divina
* The Daily Examen
* Soul Assessment

We were given one hour to complete all stations and then were told we would discuss what we learned about ourselves when everyone was finished.
I finished early so I walked over to Alexis and asked her if I could discuss something with her.

I asked her was she a counselor. She replied "No. I am a Spiritual Director" and I felt a tingle go up my spine. I had wanted to find a Spiritual Director but didn't know where to look or what they would cost. (Pretty sure my insurance won't cover that.)
So then I asked her if I could share with her a problem I've been having lately and she said Yes.

I told her about my history of anxiety and depression. I told her about finally being prescribed medication and I told her how good I've been feeling too, no anxiety or sadness.
But what I also told her was that I was having a lot of difficulty with praying now because the worrying had stopped. I'd noticed that my brain was so much calmer and I didn't feel the need to reach out in anxiety fueled prayer anymore. How do you pray when you're not worried?

For years the anxiety drove me to my knees. It drove me crazy and it made me worry incessantly about stuff I had no business worrying about. And every single morning I would greet the day with a prayer on my lips and an anxious pounding heart and I would head straight to my chair and read devotional after devotional after devotional. I would write in my gratitude journal all the things I was grateful for. I would get out my prayer calendar with it's daily prompt suggestion, quickly rattle off that prayer suggestion to God and then I would start to pray for the people I know who needed extra prayer-
My friend Amy who is still battling colon cancer, my son to find Jesus and possibly a girlfriend too if Jesus wasn't too busy...my husband and his job, my crabby ass sister, my children and grandchildren.
But the one thing I never did was Let Go of any of the anxiety or worry that plagued me.
I carried it with me everywhere.
It wasn't until my medication shut off that part of my brain that I realized I wasn't really praying for my friends and family everyday.  It was more like I was begging Jesus not to take them away.
My anxiety and depression kept driving me in to the arms of Jesus but I never allowed Him take it from me. It was as if I was saying-
 "Here God, You handle this, I'm afraid but I'll just keep pestering you and repeatedly begging you to keep handling it. Are You still handling this Jesus? Want I should keep begging You for favors? Cuz I'm still afraid."

So Alexis tells me this-
Sit in your morning chair. Invite Jesus in. Let Him hold you- imagine His arms enfolding you in the quiet and the stillness of the morning. Sit with Him. Just sit with Him in the silence.
Imagine that you are now in a new season of your life. Actively look at it.
Engage with Jesus in it.
Maybe He is trying to tell you that it's time for you to move on from the distraction of the anxiety, that a calmer way, a calmer path exists for you now.
She asks me what Bible verse did I read and what did I write at the Lectio Divina station and here is what I had read and written down BEFORE I had even spoken with Alexis-
God goes before me and follows after me whether I see it or not... in response to Exodus 13:17-22.

She then asked what image I had chosen for the Praying through Images station.
I had selected a picture of fog with trees fading away in the distance to nothing but white.
And again she asks me what did I write in response to that prompt.
My answer?
The fog and trees are on an unknown road that leads to?  Where?? The picture fades away. 
It is silent here and calming and there is no noise. There is an emptiness here but there is beauty in that silence.

In my brain I think to myself that truer words were never spoken. Or written.
There is  indeed something wonderful and calming about the stillness I encounter now.
There is somehow, something healing in the silence.
With her suggestions I believe that perhaps I could quiet myself and just let the words come, that praying, for me, from now on doesn't mean begging for what I want or keeping my fists clenched while pleading with God to do what I keep telling Him to do.
Perhaps praying could now be me sitting silently in my chair and letting God speak to me.
How marvelous will that be? I can hardly wait to try it.

God, still my noisy heart,
Quiet my wandering thoughts.
Help me to sit in this moment,
Let go of my distractedness,
And learn from my inner chaos,
To create within me a place of prayer.
~Christine Sine

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

A snuggly warm raisin

I am getting sick. No big deal. Just a Rhinovirus or something of the sort.
My Chiropractor suggested that I keep myself overly warm by wearing a hoodie
and sweats and then wrapping myself in a warm blanket and sweating this virus out.
I could die of heat stroke just thinking about doing that.
But I told my sister I was going to try this "Sweat It Out" thingy and then told her
if I don't show up to church on Sunday to come and find me.
I'll be the dried up raisin she finds on my couch under the blanket.

I detest being warm or overly warm or hot. Not sure how long I am going to last
snuggled under a blanket while wearing sweats and a hoodie. Yikes.
I am going to make Medicine Soup for myself first before I dive under those covers.

Medicine Soup is bone broth and vegies and garlic and lemon all simmered together.
I jokingly tell my family that my Medicine Soup can grow back a  severed limb.
Let's see if it can plump me back up once I dehydrate myself under those covers.

I'll check back in with y'all later. Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

A quick post for February

Happy February!
It's still the dead of Winter around these parts with blowing wind, snow and ice and below freezing temperatures.
Tonight we are supposed to get 3-5 inches of snow and maybe 1/4 inch of ice on top of that.
The snow and cold doesn't bother me as much as the ice does.
Nothing a body can do about ice but wait for it to thaw.
But as long as my people are all home safe and sound I don't really care what the weather does.


I've started job searching cuz I'm feeling good but also cuz I'm feeling bored at home. I am only looking for part time work during the day so that does limit my options a bit. I'll keep searching though.


Hey Birdie! How's that new job going? I miss you and I miss reading your posts.

Hi Annette! How's grandmotherhood? When is the next grandchild due?

Hello Linda! Are you feeling better yet? How's it going with your Boy Scout?

Hi Julie! Are you staying warm up there? Our weather has been almost the same as yours. I just read your latest blog post. Thank you for sharing bits of your life with the blogging world.


How pathetic is this post, huh?
I don't have much to write about at the moment but I felt like I wanted to connect with you guys.

I hope everyone is doing well.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

End of January post

It's been a while so I'm checking in with you all.
The Prozac is working like a miracle drug and that pisses me off.
(Of course it does, did you think it wouldn't?)
It pisses me off because I was so dead set against taking it.
Prozac??? That's for people who are depressed.
Well...duh.
I swear to you that I did not know that I was depressed.
Looking back I can see it in my hindsight.
But I don't want to look back anymore.
I like feeling happy and I'm ok with myself and the world around me.

But I'm not ok with that floss haired nincompoop in charge of our country.
I pray that Robert Mueller has enough evidence against him to convict
and get him impeached.
Then the real work will start..trying to put this country back together again.
I hope we can all rebuild our tolerance and our kindness towards our fellow human beings.

We've got brutal cold temperatures heading our way for the remainder
of this week. Tomorrow it will be -13 with a windchill of -30.
School is cancelled until Friday and a lot of businesses are closed tomorrow too.
Monday it snowed 6 inches and Friday we are expecting more snow.
The weatherman is predicting 40 degrees and rain on Saturday.
What a wild weather week we are having.

That's all I've got for now.
It seems like all of us have slowed down on the blogging front.
I sure do miss you guys. Somebody post something!!

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly