Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Daily prayer

Over the last 5 years of my life
I've slowly lost my looks.
Not starting to lose them mind you.
I mean they are lost....gone.

When I look in the mirror I see
Purple bags under my eyes
and blotchy, dry skin.

No matter how much sleep I get,
I always manage to look tired.

I've got thinning hair that for some reason
I've decided to style like a Librarian
or the Dutch Boy on the paint can.
And I hate it.
My hair that is, not the Librarians or Dutch boys.

I no longer wear make up and for the life of me,
I can't think of a good enough reason to ever put it back on.
Plus my skin is so dry that it looks patchy
and mascara make my eyes itch something fierce.

I see an overweight 51 year old woman
Who is past her prime. And it makes me sad.
When did I get old??

I promise myself that I will exercise more and eat better
And then I break that promise to myself
every single morning.

I tell myself that today I won't complain
or nag the sad man or open my mouth
and say something insulting to one of my kids,
that I won't yell at my 4 year old grandson
for waking up his 1 year old sister...again!

I fail miserably at this on a daily basis.

I see disgust and blame and shame
in the green eyes that look back at me
each morning in that bathroom mirror.

My soul tells me that I am not what I see in the mirror.
I am not dry skin, puffy eyes, 51, washed up and overweight.
But I don't know how to write from my soul.

God tells me that I'm not any of those things either.
But I don't know how to write for God.
Some days I think I know how.
Other days this blog sounds very whiny
especially to my own ears.

On this blog I spout thankfulness and gratefulness,
Lessons and Blessings.
Truth be told...I don't ever offer those things
to myself.

Forgiveness and redemption are offered freely to others.
I am much harder on myself.

Even typing out this post has taken me the better part of 6 days.
That alone has the ability to shame me.
Why does it take me so long to type, edit, publish?

All along I have thought all these other bloggers
Sat down, quickly typed out their posts,
hit publish and Viola!
Perfect post.....
Everybody responding with "just what I needed to hear, Thank you for posting".

Yesterday I found out that this just wasn't true.
Emily told me.
Who knew?!
I thought it was just me who processed this way.

I was bowled over. Utter disbelief!
I truly thought that I was the only one
who took this long to get a post up.
And instead of being accepting of myself,
that this is just the way I am,
I made myself, let myself, allowed myself to feel bad about it.

I have allowed shame to dictate to me that I should feel like a failure.
I have allowed shame to tell me that I was not doing it perfect like the other bloggers.
I allowed shame into my life and I let it tell me
that a was a failure because I was no longer a size 6,
that my skin was dry, my hair was too thin, my face was blotchy and ugly.

So if I was wrong about the blogging thing....
Maybe I'm wrong about the all the other stuff too?

Perhaps it's time for me to change that daily prayer of mine.
Maybe whenever I look in the mirror
instead of praying that God could see the good in me,
Maybe I should pray that see the good in me!

Maybe it is time for me to let go of the things
that I think are wrong with me and learn to accept myself

Shame is a bully and Grace is a shield. ... Ann Voskamp.

I realize that I am bullying myself.
And I realize that it is time to stop this behavior.
Now. Today.

Replace that shame I feel with God's grace.
God's Amazing Grace.
Grace as a shield.

Dear God,
I'm turning around. Thank You for Your grace.

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