Thursday, May 8, 2014


I'm afraid to look up my symptoms on the Internet.
I'm afraid of what I might find...
"OMG, Yes, those are my symptoms!"
But I ache.
In my bones.
My very bones ache.
It's hard to walk with the grand kids around the block.
I'm tired.
Exhausted tired.
Falling asleep watching cartoons tired.
Needing to drink coffee in the late afternoon
Just to keep myself awake until dinner tired.
My thinking is fuzzy.
It's hard to concentrate and remember things.
I feel depressed and cranky.
I feel stuck in my journey.
I am going nowhere and I am bored.
I cannot concentrate, so it's hard to read.
I feel blah and it's hard to get motivated.
My gums bleed when I brush my teeth.
My hands are numb...burning and numb.
My knees ache and I have red, itchy patches on them.
My sleep is being interrupted and I don't know why.
But once I am awake, I stay that way even if it's 3:00 am.

The Dr. gives me a check up.
She does not seem alarmed.
Draws my blood; will run some tests.
I will wait 3 days for results.

I'm too tired to worry really.
What bothers me most is the ache deep in my bones.
Why do my bones ache?
Shin bones ache the most. And the bones in my feet.
It hurts to wear my gym shoes.

I don't look up the symptoms on WebMD, tho I want to.
I think it's bone cancer.
Maybe it has metastasized to my brain?
Why else would I have such muddled thinking?
Why else would I be sooo friggin tired all the time?
Why else would my bones ache down to the very marrow in them?

Vitamin D Deficiency that's why.
Simple blood test done and it reveals that I have a level of 17.
Normal is 50-130.
And all of those symptoms I have are part of it.
I am put on Vitamin D supplements for the next 8 months.
And I am relieved.

When did I become such a hypochondriac??
Maybe that's a little harsh but that is how I feel.
Why did I assume that it was cancer?
Why did I not assume that it was something easily treatable??
Why go for the bad thought right away??
Why is it so much easier to believe that it's bad news?

I will learn to treat myself gently.
I will allow my body to heal.
I will not push myself past what I, what it, can bear.
I will not feel guilty for needing to rest well and often.
I will have compassion for myself and
I will treat myself with the kindness that I offer to others.

Thank you God for each moment.
I will try and not fritter away my days by excess worry.
Teach me to rest in You.

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