Friday, December 11, 2015


This baby girl I'm raising has no fear. She believes herself to be a warrior. She is afraid of nothing.
"Granny, I'ma climb a tree today", she says to me. And then she tries to do it.

Her brother challenges her to a race. Challenge accepted, and off they go. She shows no fear or hesitation.

She dons goggles and picks up a hammer as if it's perfectly natural for her to be a carpenter...
And it is!

Somewhere along the way I lost my courage. Fear rules me. I live afraid most of the time.
I no longer possess that attitude of "I can do anything" nor do I feel the safety of living in my small town in the USA.

I watch the nightly news (rarely anymore) and I have nightmares about what this world has become.
I keep my doors locked at all times.....Cars doors, outside doors to our house, the basement door.
I feel spooked. And I don't like it.
Last week in church there was a man of Muslim descent who I did not recognize sitting in the back row all by himself....and he made me anxious.
My sister and I went to McDonalds for a Frappe coffee...and in walked two black youths in black hooded sweatshirts...and it made me anxious.
My husband went to the gun range for some target practice and was gone for 6 hours.
And again I was anxious.
Had someone perhaps come upon him at the range and stolen his weapons??
Was he injured or worse??

Listen to me when I tell you that he is a jerk.
He spent 6 fucking hours at that damn gun range and never bothered to call home.
Not once.
What kind of a person doesn't check in, in this day and age??

I want to be big and brave and fearless, just like my 2 year old grand daughter.
But I don't know how to do it anymore.

I'm tired of the anxiousness.
I'm tired of the fear.
I want to live large and unafraid.
I want to give to the hungry my last dime.
I want to give the naked beggar the shirt off of my own back.
I want to listen to the story of the lonely widower.
I want to sit in church and not be afraid of the man with the beard in the back row.
I want to be brave and fearless like my 2 year old grand daughter.
Can you hear me?

Guide Me into an Unclenched Moment by Ted Loder from Guerillas of Grace

Gentle me,
Holy One,
into an unclenched moment,
a deep breath,
a letting go
of heavy experiences
of shriveling anxieties
of dead certainties
that, softened by the silence,
surrounded by the light,
and open to the mystery,
I may be found by wholeness,
upheld by the unfathomable,
entranced by the simple,
and filled with the joy
that is you.

Eyes to the sky by Joseph


  1. Well I will give you this....we live in a very scary world. But I wonder what the real root of your fear is. What triggered this onslaught that is paralyzing you from living the life you want to live in freedom? When I am in fear I know that I am hanging on with white knuckles to whatever.....and its when I find the courage to let go that I find my freedom. Doing the very thing that terrifies me leads to my liberation. <3

  2. Oh, Lolly. I know this. My whole life has been ruled by fear. Everything makes me nervous. I do all the things you do. Even seeing your granddaughter running reminds me that I am afraid to run. Yes, even that makes me nervous.