Friday, April 29, 2016

Duck season

There are times when I have absolutely nothing to say.
Nothing to write about. Nothing I want to share.
I sit in front of my laptop and I hear a humming....a buzzing.
I'm not entirely sure that humming and buzzing isn't coming from inside my head.
The cursor blinks at me. I blink back.

Friends invited us out last night for a free prime rib dinner.
Told us it was a 30th anniversary/raffle type of affair for some company they are familiar with.
It ended up being a banquet room full of duck hunters.
Their were a few wives present but mostly it was paunchy middle-aged and older gentlemen.
Some sporting baseball hats, others dressed in camouflage with beards, loud talkers all of them.
The kind of affair where the booze flows and the stories get told and retold and the laughter feels forced as do the smiles pasted on the faces of the listeners.

The night starts with everyone walking past tables full of items
(in this case duck hunting items)
to be raffled off or purchased at the auction being held after dinner.
I was done perusing those tables in about 60 seconds flat.
Duck decoys, hip wader bags, beer steins, a thermos that resembled a shot gun shell, camo lawn chairs, artwork depicting Labrador's holding retrieved ducks in their jaws.
My husband lingered over the merchandise longer than I did.
He likes to think of himself as a hunter, though truth be told he's never shot anything yet and when the day comes that he does, I hope he cries and cries and cries and never kills another living creature again.
We are on opposite sides of the fence when it comes to guns and hunting.
I realize that the Prime Rib I ate came from an animal.
I realize that an animal had to die so I could be fed at this banquet.
I just don't want to be the one that shoots it.
And I don't want him to shoot it either.
Would it matter if he was out hunting cows? I don't know.
But he doesn't hunt to put meat on our table, and that makes all the difference to me.
I'm not going to debate the topic with you, this is my personal opinion, that's all.
Moving on...

The four of us sit at a table with 2 other people whom we do not know.
Turns out he is one of the auctioneers and she is his girlfriend.
They appear to be well into their forty's.
Why is that detail important?? I don't know.
He leaves her alone most of the evening and so we (and by we I mean the people I am with) are left with the unenviable task of small talk.
Which puts me in a cold sweat. Small talk?! Fucking small talk...are you kidding me??
I'm way out of my comfort zone and I know it.

She's "so excited, and can't wait for this shindig to start," she tells us. "Woot!"


"Woo-hoo!" she says aloud. "I can't wait for duck hunting season."

As ya'll know, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to talk to strangers.
I either stutter or stammer or blurt out huge family secrets.
I end up embarrassing myself 10 times out of 10.
My best defense is to keep my head down and my eyes averted.
Which I'm sure doesn't come across as rude at all.....

She ends up winning 3 separate raffle prizes during the course of the evening.
Each time her winning numbers are called she raises her arms over her head and hollers  "Woot!! That's me!!"
She giggles and laughs her way through the evening sitting with four complete strangers. How do people do this I wonder??

She must be an extrovert I think to myself. She has no problem talking to us or talking period for that matter.
She carries the conversation by herself for most of the evening.
I can't decide if I'm jealous or repulsed.
She laughs at her own jokes and shows no remorse or embarrassment when we four don't respond.
She's sucking down her Vodka Tonics as she snaps her gum.
Her jeans are too tight and her bosom is straining her too tight shirt.
But she's having the time of her life at this thing. Extroverted or just plain happy?

Her boyfriend comes back to the table during dessert and the two of them giggle and flirt over the vanilla ice cream topped with raspberry sauce.
If they're like this during duck season, what happens during rabbit season?? lol

But they do make me think....
.....when was the last time my husband and I giggled and flirted over dessert??

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Praying and longing for more

So I wrote this post a while back.
The woman I mentioned who wanted grandchildren will finally get her wish this weekend.
Her 39 year old daughter is due to give birth on Saturday. It is a boy.
Unfortunately this woman who wanted grandchildren so badly just died on Monday after a two week battle with pneumonia. She was 69 years old.
I cannot imagine what her daughter must be going through.
I am heartbroken as is everyone else.

Sometimes God does this shit and we don't know why.
It's times like these that I question Him.
Not really question, more like want to ask-   "What the hell God?"

My friend Amy who has colon cancer just got awful news too.
Her cancer has spread to her lungs and liver.
She is 45 years old. She too wanted grandkids some day. But she has two teenagers at home.
There will be no chance for grandkids for her.
I am heartbroken as is everyone else.

We have all been so hopeful and praying so hard.
Did our prayers go unanswered? Was God not listening?
Does He not see or care about our broken hearts?
Why do these bad things happen to good people?

Today I have no answers. I'm saddened by all this.
It's a shit day with shitty weather and even shittier news.

I've looked but cannot find a prayer or a quote that will address the absolute madness of these two situations.
Today I am shaking my fist at God.
I want Him to know that He is breaking hearts all over the place.
I want Him to know that I am displeased.
And I want Him to stop it.
To just stop.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Spring... but not quite yet

Like this past October which threw a hissy fit of rain and wind as it left to make room for November,
Spring has been pitching a tantrum and fighting with Winter for control since March 20th.
Two days ago it snowed so hard that I couldn't see across the street.
A mere 5 minutes later it was clear and sunny. 5 minutes later snow again. 
It went on and off like this all day long.
That's not fog by the way. That's snow.

Today the kids go back to school after being off for Spring Break.
And it's supposed to snow again this afternoon. And tomorrow. 
And maybe again on Thursday.
Both kids have had Pneumonia this Spring.
My 6 year old grandson got diagnosed with it first, a week before Spring Break even started.
My 3 year old granddaughter got it on the last Friday of Spring Break.
Both got chest x-rays, both got antibiotics, both got worse before they got better.
I'm exhausted just from listening to them cough.
I'm also thrilled that they are now on the road to recovery. 
I am so grateful they got well. I realize some children don't.

We didn't go anywhere for Spring Break (Obviously not with 2 sick kids)
I think maybe we should have taken them to the beach though.
I think a little time spent by the ocean in that salty sea air with all that warm sun and sand might have cured them a little bit faster. I know it would have fixed me right up.

My daughters test results came back negative for Ovarian cancer. 
What she has is a Chocolate Ovary...a mass consisting of a cyst and all sorts of other nastiness all glued together with endometriosis. She definitely needs a D&C and pending the pathology of that procedure she may or may not need to have a hysterectomy. She is 32 years old.
I'm super grateful that it was not cancer. 
I have to tell you that it was scary waiting for those results. 
I tried to put it out of my mind but the what ifs would occasionally make themselves known and I would retreat to prayer (ie: begging and pleading with God) to help ease my worry.
I don't know if the begging and pleading worked or if the God that I know and love took pity on me but I always felt better afterwards.
And then the results of her testing were answers to our prayers so a big shout out to my God for favors granted! Thank You Jesus! Amen.

Listen... I pray for my grandkids to get well and they do. But I need to pray for the parents of the little children that sometimes don't recover and get well.
I pray for my daughter to have favorable test results (Please God! Not cancer!!) and we get the results we were praying for. But I also know of a young woman, 28 yrs old, who died from Ovarian cancer leaving behind 2 young sons and a devastated husband that maybe I should be praying for.

I pray for an end to this stubborn Winter and Spring makes herself known by sprouting buds on trees and bringing back the birds and flowers and the occasional warm sunny day. Followed by snow.
I'm pretty sure that I had nothing to do with that. It's God. Always God. His timing. His way.

How about you? Do you feel like God answers your prayers? Do you feel like God is even listening?