Coming 'round that mountain

"She'll be coming 'round that mountain when she comes..."

There is indeed a mountain in front of me. It's huge. And dark. And unclimbable at the moment.
I stand here and stare at what is in between me and that mountain and I don't know how to move.
I am frozen. Sick with fear and shame. Unable to pull my boot straps up and move forward.
The mountain is bigger and stronger than I am this time. I don't know how to get up and over it.
And I am not afraid to tell you that I am afraid.
Afraid of the anxiety. Afraid of the medicine. Afraid of not being myself anymore.
I am isolated. I am lonely. I don't have a tribe of women to rely on.
I need to exercise but I don't. (Hey! I already walked the dog today, what else do you want?)
I need to find something to occupy myself and my mind, but what?
I've finished the Christmas shopping and even wrapped all the presents.
I've listened to Christmas music all day every day until it feels like I'll lose what's left of my mind
if I hear one more round of  "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas".
But the silence is deafening when I turn the radio off so then I troll around on Instagram.
I have no desire to read, which is totally out of character for me.
I am bored and out of sorts and yet most of the day I DO feel like myself, just a little bit off.
I am tired of complaining, tired of listening to my poor sad sack self go on and on about blood pressure issues and anxiety. Aren't y'all tired of listening to this shit?
I feel like a broken old record.
I lift myself up in prayer, I Let Go and Let God, I call out to Yahweh to help me cope and yet it still feels so much like I am wandering around aimlessly in the wilderness,  staring at that huge mountain in the distance.
That huge mountain that I must cross in order to find my freedom that waits on the other side.
Now I just need to find the climbing skills I need to scale that thing.
Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, who only wanted to go home, her traveling companions wanted brains, a heart and some courage.
Here's hoping that for me, all those things can be found inside this tiny white pill,
that truthfully I am finding hard to swallow, as if someone had asked to me to swallow that enormous mountain instead.
But I guess it's really one in the same, right?
If I swallow that pill, I might just be able to conquer that mountain.
Maybe I won't have to climb it or even blast my way through it.
Maybe, I'll be able to walk around that mountain. Maybe I'll even want to.
Wish me luck good friends,
As always, Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

(p.s. Thanks for the advice Julie. An antibiotic for the brain.  xoxo)