Change is hard

 I've continued on with the house renovations even tho 2 of my 3 adult kids are unhappy.

Severely unhappy. Snarky. Combative. Rude. Verging on assholery.

We bought this house in 1994. Moved in lock, stock and barrel. 

Unpacked our boxes and started living here. No renovations, no new paint, nothing.

Moving is expensive. Three preteen kids can also be expensive. So can regular every day living.

So for 28 years we lived with the old carpet and the old wood paneling, plaster and lath walls, sketchy electrical switches and outlets, and the plumbing....don't get me started about the plumbing issues.

Back then I worked 40 + hours a week at the doctors office. He was a full-time firefighter/medic.

All three kids had school, friends, after school extracurricular activities, sports etc.

We were busy living our lives so the repairs to this old house took a back seat.

After he got injured while on that paramedic call, his back was never the same and surgeries and pain control took over our lives.

So the repairs again took a back seat to lifes problems.

Sometimes he'd start a project but would never finish it.

We showered for an entire year with plastic sheeting lining the walls of our shower because he took the tub surround out and couldn't find another one to fit the space.

He was worried about the electrical wiring in this 120 year old house so 25 years ago he took out the light in the stairwell leading to the kids bedrooms upstairs... never did fix it. He cut the wires and disconnected everything so it was safe but the children went up and down those stairs in the pitch dark for the next 20 years.

So what was he doing instead of fixing the house?

He bought boats, motorcycles, camping equipment, rifles, trucks, cars and two RV's.

We all enjoyed those toys and the kids still talk about how great their childhood was.

Camping trips, days spent on the lake boating, tubing and swimming, and vacations to Florida.

We, all of us, enjoyed each other and ourselves on those boating, fishing, and camping vacations.

But this old house paid the price by being neglected.

In March 2019 when Covid hit,  him and I redid the sitting room. New paint for the walls and ceiling, new furniture and a new ceiling fan. It turned out beautiful but the rest of the house was ignored.

In 2021 he got sick with pancreatic cancer and was too ill to work on the house or at his job as fire inspector.   He retired in October 2021 and died in January of 2022.

***********

Six months later I got drunk one night in June and texted a friend, an Interior Designer.

Told her I was sick of living in this undecorated house and could she help me fix it up?

She told me that she believed God had something to do with me asking her for her help.

(Uh, more like Chardonnay was my first thought.)

Come to find out she and her mother in law do this sort of thing for a living.

They enter a house, talk to the owner(s) and get a feel for their lives and their life story.

They talked to me and asked me how I met Art and about our lives and our relationship.

Then they walked through the rooms of my house asking questions about each room, what it had been used for and any ideas I had for future use.

I showed her a few pics from my Pinterest Dream House board, told her about a few ideas I liked.

She said it was all doable, no problem, that she'd be happy to help me, so I asked her for a contract.

"How much is this gonna cost me?" I asked. Pay for the materials and the contractor was her answer.

To say I was stunned speechless is an understatement. Total cost to me would only be $4,000.00.

In return I would get:

A new ceiling upstairs in the kids tandem bedrooms, painted walls and closets, old carpet tore up and thrown out and the rough walls sanded down (the former owner used something on the walls that made them sharp like needles. We used to call them "Damnit" walls, cuz when you got too close you ended up bleeding. We've all got scars from those damn walls.)

Also, new drywall for the living room walls, new floors installed in the sitting room, living room and kitchen.

They even did the first floor bedroom where Art spent his last days on this earth. In fact that's the first room they did. Those wonderful angelic, mystic women changed that room from a cancer patients room to a toy room for the grandkids and it completely changed the feeling of that room.

I wish the kids were all onboard with me and these changes.

It feels life changing to me in the best way possible, like I can breathe again.

Life has been so hard for the last 2 years and this feels like the change that I needed.

We all handle grief differently and I guess that they are just not ready for change like I am.

My sister says that I  deserve this, that it's ok to need to change, to want to change.

But it's hard to be the only one changing at the moment. They are not on the same page I am.

I want to apologize to them but I don't really know what I am apologizing for.

I am learning that it is ok to need to do something for ME for the first time in a long time.

But it still hurts all the same.

Love, Lolly