Just in case Part 2

The depth of their fury surprised me.

Their tears and the anger and harsh words was quite literally shocking.

They felt betrayed they said...BETRAYED!!

How could you?! they asked. We told you NOT TO she yelled.

That is our personal private stuff and you let them go through it!

You gave no thought to our feelings and you did it anyway!!!

My daughter was visibly shaking with rage.

"I didn't do it to be mean" I said. I explained my Mountain analogy to her.

You had no right, It's my house, I can't trust you anymore,  were phrases tossed about.

Both of the kids were accusatory and hurt beyond fixing.

She was unable to talk to me for days and she didn't quite agree with me on the mountain thing. 

My son was just as mad going so far as to threaten me "Don't touch our closets" or there will be repercussions. I lied to him and told him that his closet had already been done.

The next week I had them clean out his closet.

When he found out I lied he wanted to know the reason why, saying I must have had a very profound reason for lying to him.

I didn't have a profound reason. I didn't even have a really good reason; only that I wanted the closets cleaned out, that I wanted to keep moving forward, that the heaviness was being removed from the house and I knew if we stopped it would never get finished.

In my own defense these women are not throwing anything out. They are simply organizing it into piles so the piles are easier to sort through, to know what to keep, what to throw out, donate, etc.

"How can you want to have all of these piles of boxes in the sitting room?" they asked.

That's the sorting room I told them. I think it will be fun to sort through these boxes together, you know? Kind of like reliving your childhood years and reminiscing.

"Why would I want to do that?" she replied.  I was speechless.

She and her husband took as many boxes as they could fit in to their car and left, both of them angry.

My son got angry that his papers had been gone through and that I had cleaned out his closet when he had expressly told me not to. 

Nothing was thrown away, only sorted I said again. And they didn't go through your papers.

Again he threatened me..."Don't touch Maddie's closet or dad's gun safe. You are gonna cause damage that can't be repaired."

The following week my daughter came and emptied her own closets. When I asked her if there was anything left she told me only prom dresses that she didn't want.

And here is the next story...

The ladies came back to finish up cleaning her room the next day.

Part of the ceiling had also collapsed in her closet and the prom dresses and my wedding dress were covered in dirt, When the ladies asked me to go through and see if there was anything I wanted to save before they finished, I saved 3 items.

A small pair of Lederhosen, a toddler sized traditional German dress and a purple dress that my other daughter had seen and wanted.

The rest could go, including the old prom dresses and my wedding dress.

My son was surprised that I would get rid of my wedding dress.

"Really Ma?! Your wedding dress?"

I'm never going to wear it again, nor would it fit me. His sisters are already married so they don't need it. It wasn't put away correctly 40 years ago, it was dirty and probably damaged beyond repair.

So off to the local donation store it all went. I had no second thoughts. I was relieved.

Until my other daughter saw the empty closet and asked where the peach prom dress was.

Gone I told her.   "BUT I wanted that one" she said.

Well shit.

I've been to that donation store every day for the last 3 days and the dress is not there. They were given a description of the dress and the day and time that it was dropped off but still no sighting.

I feel heart sick. Somehow I have ended up hurting all 3 of my grown children.

I wish I had never started this whole project.

All 3 of the kids are upset, heartbroken, betrayed.

Something irreparable has been damaged and I caused it.

I feel guilty. I'm sorry. And I am sorry that I ever touched their things.

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I got a text from my son yesterday. 

He will be coming over next week Sunday to take his boxes and his dad's gun safe so "I no longer have to worry about those things."

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I wish that they could understand that I never meant it to be painful. I never meant for it to feel like a betrayal.

I saw a huge mountain of stuff that needed to be moved. I felt that mountain resting heavily on my shoulders, and the weight was causing me more grief. 

I only wanted to move the mountain. I was worried about the size of that mountain while my kids were worried about what that mountain was made of and who saw it.

I am not sure where to go from here. I feel a tenseness from them all.  Like a door has been opened that shouldn't have been opened and now cannot be closed.

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The ladies wanted to start on my kitchen cabinets today and I told them not to come. I told them I needed some time. Plus the sorting room is still full of boxes that my kids have not gone through in the 4 weeks since this all started.  Sorta feels like a punishment if I'm honest.  You're ok with these boxes being left in this room? Fine. We will let them sit there then. They didn't say that but that is how it now feels. 

I miss my husband, I miss my old life, I miss the camaraderie I used to have with my children.

I miss the joy I imagined I would have sitting in my little nook staring out the windows at the trees.

Just in case you needed to know...

Grief is a long, lonely journey.

Make your changes gradually.

Love, Lolly