When the joy returns

 When the joy returns...

1. One day you will hear a bird singing. And when you look up you will see a red cardinal sitting at the very top of a 100 foot Pine tree that sits across the street from your house. And it will be singing. And you will recognize its song. And you will smile.

2. On a Friday night you will order Thai food; his favorite dish AND yours. And as you eat it, it will restore your faith in humanity because it has been 2 years since you've had it and it will be the most  delicious thing you've eaten in a long time.

3. You will place 4 books on hold at the local library and all 4 will arrive at the same time and you will be thrilled because your joy of reading has returned and you won't know which book to start first.

4. You will finally, after 3 years, start sleeping in the middle of your Queen size bed. And you will dream of him and he will seem so damn real in your arms and he will hug you and kiss your neck just like he used to, and you will wake with a smile on your face and a lovely dream to remember.

5. One day you will wear one of your Harley T-shirts and you will remember where you were when you bought it. You will remember riding behind him on those bike trips, and it will break your heart and you will cry healing tears for 2 straight hours. In the morning your eyes will be puffy but your heart will not be as sore as it was before.

6. Spring will show up. The Lilacs will bloom and you will be able to smell them and not cry. You will touch the young green leaves of the sprouting plants and you'll watch the Robins and the warming temperatures will make your heart glad. Angel will mow your lawn one last time before he moves away and you will be grateful and thankful. And a bit sad.

7. Your 1st born grandboy will graduate Jr. High. He will grow taller than you and he will be starting high school in the fall. And you realize your husband would've been so proud. My god... Look at him!!

8. You will volunteer  to re shelve books at a school library and to Usher at the local theater company and realize that these two "jobs" are saving your life in a way you could never have imagined.

9. You will hire a landscaping company to mow your lawn without clearing it with anybody else. And it will be a good thing. 

10. The bills will be paid and the house will be cleaned and the groceries will be bought and  life will move on and you won't be as ruined as you were two years ago.  You will learn to live again even though you are still sad.

I have so many lessons to still learn. I have so much life left to live. 

To say I miss him is an understatement. I have no choice but to move forward.

The joy that I am witnessing is what is getting me through this next chapter of my life.

I am lonely but I am hopeful.

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly