Gobsmacked

OK, so here's the thing...
I've been having panic attacks daily for a solid week now.
Debilitating attacks where my face goes numb, my hands and arms go numb, and it feels like I can't swallow or breathe. I break out into a cold sweat which then turns into an intense flushing of heat.
It makes my flight response kick in, which in turn produces more adrenaline which makes me feel more panicky which then makes me feel like I am going to pass out.
These panic attacks are accompanied by an awful feeling of dread and sometimes chest pain.

And it is only panic and anxiety that is causing this.
How do I know?
Because when I am busy or otherwise occupied I don't have any of those symptoms.
When I'm not dwelling on the anxiety I don't feel any anxiety.

Case in point-
I headed to church this morning and got gobsmacked with a panic attack one block away from home.
Do I keep heading towards church or do I turn around and go home?
Driving?!? I shouldn't be driving!! Wait!!! I forgot how to drive. I can't swallow!! I need to pull over.
Breathe...Breathe...swallow...gasp...swallow! Calm down..you're ok..you're ok.. breathe.
I called out for YAHWEH loudly. Then again...YAHWEH...please.....

You'd think that church would be the place to be whilst having an anxiety attack, wouldn't you?
Worship music, people I love and care about, a kindly pastor, the presence of Jesus, all the good feels.
No? maybe not but I was at war with myself and I knew I couldn't sit in church for an hour while this monster known as anxiety chewed me up.

After church I was planning on going to Target to pick up my husbands prescription.
In that split second decision where I had to turn left in to the church parking lot or continue going straight and drive down the road to Target, I made my choice and Target won.
Tsk...I know, right?
How bad is my anxiety if I can make a decision about where I'd like to go to stave off this attack?
I needed to get his meds, I needed 2 gallons of milk and I needed (wanted) a bottle of wine.
(Full disclosure- I've been medicating myself nightly with a glass or two of Pinot Grigio. It helps me relax and sleep.)
I figured I could run in get those few things and get out before my anxiety got any worse.
As I pulled into a parking spot  who should I see but my best friend in the whole wide world.
She was standing by the cart return which was next to my car and talking on her cell phone.
I nearly jumped out of my car to say Hi to her.  "You're my God moment for the day" I said to her.
I quickly filled her in on my panicky happenings as we stood there for 20 minutes talking to each other, and we could've talked for longer but we each needed to get on with our day.
I thanked her for being my angel and headed in to the store realizing that for the last 20 minutes I hadn't felt short of breathe or panicky or numb. No chest pain, no trouble swallowing, no trouble talking or thinking or walking. No passing out. Nothing.

It wasn't until I was heading home with my milk and wine and his meds that
I remembered calling out to YAHWEH as I was on my way to the store. YAHWEH...YAHWEH...please...

How quickly I forget....
At home again I remembered that I hadn't read any of my devotionals this morning.
Imagine my surprise when I read this-

-Jesus Calling Devotion For January 15-

My Face is shining upon you, beaming out Peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face to Face with Me, your Peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out “Help me, Jesus!” and I will lift you up.

The closer you live to Me, the safer you are. Circumstances around you are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of My design. I am always beside you, helping you face today’s waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to Me.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
—Philippians 4:7

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
—Matthew 14:30

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
—Hebrews 12:2

Not to be out done by that one... but I read another devotional every day too.
This one is titled TO: YOU Love, GOD by Will Bowen, and here is what that one said for today-

To: You
When you worry, you sit downstream fretting over what the flowing current of life might bring.

What you fail to realize is that worry actually places the very thing you fear into the stream above you. Your anxious predictions then float by, and you conclude that worrying was justified.

Beloved one, know that worry anticipates; therefore, worry creates.

You were not born to worry. It was taught to you and reinforced by your own experience until it became habitual.

Begin now to create a new habit. Whenever you notice yourself beginning to worry, replace your troubling thoughts with thoughts of blessings and statements of faith.

Give thanks for what is going well. Place positive expectations into the stream above you and know that soon-very soon-they will drift down into what you call reality.

Love,
GOD

Talk about being gobsmacked!!!

It made me wonder if I had read those devotionals before I headed out to church maybe I wouldn't have had another panic attack today. I don't know.
What I DO know is that whenever I call to YAHWEH or Jesus or GOD, HE answers me.
In the truest of ways...in whispers or calmness or deep breaths or timely scripture readings or putting my best friend near the cart return in the Target parking lot.
HE is always there for me, always available...I just need to remember to call out to HIM.
What a beautiful name it is....

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Ifin

Ifin you're wondering I'm still here.
My anxiety has kept me from writing.
I've heard it said that writing can make one well.
But I fear I've got writer's block too.

Please know that I have read your blog posts
I just haven't commented.
That's terribly rude of me, I know.

Birdie's kids came home during the holidays!!
Linda saved her Frenchie from strangling!!
Annette is gonna be a Grandma!!
Julie threw up in the grocery store! (sorry Julie)

I know why my anxiety has been super high lately.
And I am working on it.
I'm giving it to God daily and praying a lot.

I'll write a new post when I can.
As always...Thanks for reading.

Love, lolly

The ebb and flow

I clean the house and feel excitement flow through me....Christmas is coming.
Jesus' birthday, presents for the kids, time spent with family.

I wake at 2am with a stomach ache and the gladness ebbs out.
I can't sleep so I will sit here in the dark and worry about a gut ache.

I wrap presents for the grandkids and the Christmas excitement returns;
Only to ebb back out again as my back cramps and my knees ache from kneeling on the floor, in the middle of a large pile of presents and gift wrap, for far too long.

In April I inherited my sisters Amish style cupboard. I don't know anything about the cupboards history but it smells old inside, like an antique store. The hinges creak and the wood shows some wear but I love it. It reminds me of my sister and I'm glad to have it.
It has sat in the garage since last year because we had no room for it, well, not really no room, just that we needed to rearrange and get rid of some other furniture first.
We got 9 inches of snow this past weekend and 8 inches of snow the weekend before that.
I tell you that because this cupboard was stored in front of our snowblower in the garage and we couldn't get the blower out without moving the cabinet first, so that is why the cabinet is now in the house.
It's been standing in the middle of the living room for a week now.
Blocking the flow of traffic and partially blocking  the view of our Christmas tree.

At 7:30 Sunday night, after cleaning the house and doing laundry all day and then wrapping presents for 5 hours I was ready for bed.
That's when he decided he wanted the cabinet moved into the kitchen.
Crap.
We moved it and now the cabinet is in the kitchen and it doesn't look all that great. It's wider than I thought. Bigger too.
And the stain on the cupboard is darker than the stain on the kitchen cabinets.
Crap crap.
Maybe I just need to get used to it being there, to seeing it there.
Maybe it'll grow on me.
Maybe I can fill it up with all the junk and clutter from around this house and never have to open the doors of this cupboard again.

Up, down, back, forth, in, out, high, low, ebb and flow.
It surprises me how quickly I can go from one to the other.

Most of my issues are first world problems, I know.
Should I use the red paper with holly or the blue paper with snowflakes?
Kneeling in the middle of a large pile of gifts purchased for our grandchildren.
Sometimes a stomach ache is from the fact that I ate too much at dinner.
I own too much clutter and need to get rid of it instead of hiding it in my sisters cupboard.

I didn't start out writing this post as a lament. But that is what it has turned into.
Somewhere on the internet I read that people who feel too much are called Empaths.
The news is frightening and I cannot watch it. And yet I have.
People are starving and dying and fleeing through the dark and the rubble.
While I complain that my knees ache from kneeling on the floor.

In the town next to ours, a car was stolen from a grocery store parking lot.
Left inside that car was the family's tiny little Chihuahua.
It was all over the news.
The weather was slated to turn sharply colder with temps well below zero at night.
Two days passed. No sightings, no updates, no car, no dog.
The family just wanted their dog back- no questions asked.
It disturbed me greatly. I knew what could happen to a Chihuahua abandoned and out in the cold.
Please God, I prayed. Please bring this dog home. Please! Please let him be found alive.

A man out for a walk with his own dog found the Chihuahua shivering and alone on a bike path on the third day. The car thieves had indeed left him off somewhere, to battle the elements on his own.
He was alive! He was unharmed. He was returned to his owners.
I thanked God and cried tears of joy.
I think we all could use a bit of a Christmas miracle sometimes.

This little miracle didn't alter the course of the world.
Or maybe it did.
All I know is that it lifted my spirits and gave me a sense of all was right in the world again,
if only for that one small moment in time.

(This post is rambling and I apologize for that.)


Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a very Happy new Year!

Thanks for reading!
Love, Lolly

write what you see

12/07/16

I found this amazing quote-

Write what you see
Fear not;
Write what you have seen

I have no idea who wrote it but when I read it the very first time it almost knocked me over.
In my head I heard a loud resounding YES!
Yes! Write what you see! Write what you have seen!
So with that in mind, today I will write what I see.

We live on a fairly busy street so I see cars and buses and trucks driving past our house all day long.
Where are all these people going I sometimes wonder to myself.
To work? Do they hate their job? Love it? Is today their first day? Or maybe their last? Will they get that promotion they wanted? Will they get a nice Christmas bonus? Will they get fired or layed off?
To school? Did they have to scream at the kids 10 times today to brush their teeth and get their shoes on? Did they remember to pack lunch money and mittens and tissues and homework? Did they breathe a sigh of relief as they pulled away from the drop off zone, the car quiet once more?
The grocery store? Just for a couple of things...hahaha, because they always come out of the store with a lot more than they intended? Do they realize that some people are going hungry today and what a huge blessing it is that they can afford to overspend on snacks and cookies and extra meat for the freezer? Did they see the Salvation Army bell ringer out front of the store freezing his butt off in his too thin Santa suit?
Library?  What book are they hoping to check out? What book  are they returning? What book are they searching for? Cooking techniques? Flower gardens? Better relationships? How to remodel the rec room? Poetry by Luci Shaw? God?
Post Office? Mailing Christmas cards? The final car payment? An overdue light bill with the hopes that their service won't be turned off during the upcoming holidays? Picking up packages sent from Aunt Sue even though it contains the same type of ugly, scratchy sweaters every single year, and they hate them? Dropping off their own packages to be mailed to the grandkids that live in Arizona and they miss those grandkids more than words can say?
Dr. appointments? Are they sick? Are they well? Are they afraid? Are they elated?

(In case you were wondering, I am the person at the library searching for poetry by Luci Shaw. The rest of the questions and people above are hypothetical.)


We had 5 inches of snow fall on Sunday. Most of it is melting off of the roof today and it is dripping down the window, which means icicles will form later tonight.
They're predicting 4-8 inches of snow will fall this coming Saturday night.
I can see our Christmas tree lights glowing. It reminds me that I really need to get started on my Christmas shopping. We went looking for gifts last Saturday and came home sorely disappointed with nothing to show for our 4 hours of shopping.
Maybe we will have better luck shopping online through Amazon.

I can see that it has taken me 3 hours to type this much. Time to get a move on with my day.

Thanks for reading,
Love  Lolly

Song of Praise

Let Wonder Have Its Way With Me

O God, your gracious Spirit
moves over the mysteries of living and dying
and is strangely present to me
in the falling leaves,
the call of wild geese,
a child's birth,
the light in a friend's eyes,
the sudden lifting of the heart,
and the deep longing which brings me to you now.
Make me aware of your presence
that wonder may have its way with me,
my passion be released,
my confidence renewed in the depths of your holiness
until, for a moment,
my longing for you be fulfilled
and I know I am really free
to share bread and intimacy,
to laugh and exchange mercy,
to be at ease in my struggles,
bold in my loving,
brave in facing down my terror,
hopeful in the rising music of your kingdom,
joyful in my living,
and graceful in my life becoming
a song of praise ever sung to you.

— Ted Loder in Guerrillas of Grace

Perspective

November 28, 2016

Every morning I read a devotional titled Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
This morning at 6:30am, I rushed through it like I usually do.

Jesus Calling Devotion For November 28-
Rest in the deep assurance of My unfailing Love. Let your body, mind, and spirit relax in My Presence. Release into My care anything that is troubling you, so that you can focus your full attention on Me. Be awed by the vast dimensions of My Love for you: wider, longer, higher, and deeper than anything you know. Rejoice that this marvelous Love is yours forever!

The best response to this glorious gift is a life steeped in thankfulness. Every time you thank Me, you acknowledge that I am your Lord and Provider. This is the proper stance for a child of God: receiving with thanksgiving. Bring Me the sacrifice of gratitude, and watch to see how much I bless you.

Then I jumped right on into my daily routine.

Bed made, laundry gathered,  lunch made for my son, cat box cleaned, garbage and recycles taken out, folded a load of clothes, prepared for the grandkids arrival- ie: making sure the toy room was orderly, wiped down their little table with a clorox wipe, made them their chocolate milk, set out bowls and spoons for cereal.

It doesn't sound like a lot but I feel like I run my tail off until they get here, and then when they do get here, I run some more ;)

It's true. I make them breakfast, comb their little bed heads, help them to brush their teeth and wash their faces, make sure back packs are ready to go and then we walk my grandson to school.

Last week we decided to take our little girl Chihuahua with us for our daily walk to school because she seems lonely since brother Chihuahua is no longer with us.

So...as I was waiting for the grandkids to get here I received a text from my daughter- the one who just had a baby 2 months ago.

She also reads the Jesus Calling devotional. She texted that today's reading was just what she needed to hear today. She is scheduled for an ultrasound today to determine if she'll need a hysterectomy. She is still actively bleeding after 10 weeks post partum.  She cannot have any more children due to the placenta accretta she developed during her second pregnancy and she's understandably upset about this. It's hard to be thankful and praise Jesus for something like that.  

Anyway... like I said I earlier I was racing through my morning and after getting her text I stopped and reread todays reading...slower this time. I read it and reread it again, finally seeing the words that I should have seen in the first place if I hadn't been in such a hurry to get the reading done with.
The last sentence really spoke to me.

            Bring Me the sacrifice of gratitude, and watch to see how much I bless you.

Lately I've found myself to be complaining and grouchy. It's then I realize that I haven't been practicing my gratitude very much. So before I hit publish on this post I reread it to look for typos and that's when I really see my words and that's when I hear what I really needed to hear today.

If I read between some of those lines I can see so much that I have to be thankful and grateful for.

So here's my list for today-

1. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

2. I can read

3. I can rest

4. My body

5. My mind

6. God's presence

7. My bed

8. Laundry to wash, dry and fold

9. My new dryer

10. My old washer

11. Food in the fridge

12. My son

13. His cat

14. Garbage service

15. Grandkids

16. Toys

17. Chocolate milk

18. Brushes and combs

19. Toothpaste

20. Back packs

21. Walking to school

22. Our girl Chihuahua

23. 14 happy years with Our boy Chihuahua who is no longer ill or suffering

24. Our caring Veterinarian

25. Texting with my daughter

26. No Hysterectomy needed yet

27. Ultra sound machines

28. Her OB/Gyne health care team

29. Maxi pads

30. God's unfailing love for me

Pretty awesome stuff, right?

Thanks for reading,
Love Lolly

Laying low

As I curl up on my couch, mourning the loss of my dog, I've taken to rereading some poetry and listening to music that is soothing to my soul. I so appreciate your lovely comments to me during this sad time in my life. As I look back and reflect, I can see that I have had it a bit rough these last 6 months. My husband had surgery in July and was home for 8 weeks. My daughter had a hysterectomy, also in July. The surgeons father had passed away that very same morning. Our AC went out and the fridge conked out the week after their surgeries. My lap top fried and I lost 4 years worth of pictures. In September my other daughter had a traumatic labor and delivery of her second child. She could have died. They both could have. Then my granddaughter stopped going to the bathroom and it took 15 days to fix her while giving her an adult dose of a medicine that has questionable, worrisome side effects. Add to all of that stress the presidential election and the debates and the awful attack ads had on our country, along with the awful outcome and I think you might have the beginnings of a mental breakdown. Two weeks ago my little 14 year old dog got sick, rallied for a day or two and then worsened. He died yesterday. 
I feel like I cannot breathe due to the grief and anxiety I am experiencing. 
I have no appetite and I am constantly tired and on edge. Is it any wonder???
I found the following on Carrie Newcomer's Facebook page this morning and it made my eyes tear up.

Today we do what we have always done. 

We take care of one another and try to be the best people we know now to be.
Today I grieve what feels like a death, a deep and abiding loss. 

I know that it will take time for the world to feel safe again. 

Today we take sanctuary. 

We gather and remember what is fine, beautiful, true, whole and sacred.
I encourage everyone to take time today to call someone you love, walk in the woods, hug your children, listen to music and read poetry. 

These fine and true things have not gone away, they are still here, grounding us and showing us how to keep moving forward.
Love is the long view. Love will always be the final word.
Today we honestly live out our grief, sadness and fear, but then we choose love.
Again, we choose love.
Again, we choose love.
All my life, again and again, I will choose love.

Be kind to yourself and one another.
Take Sanctuary and Yes, We Can Do This Hard Thing. 

I'm trying real hard to be gentle with myself for the next few days. I'll be back. But I'm thinking a good dose of peace and quiet is exactly what I need right now. 

Thanks for your heartfelt comments. I love you ladies.

Love, Lolly