Was that You?

 

Yesterday I sat on the front step at dusk letting the gloaming surround me.

I let myself just sit there, unmoving, staring off into space.

I felt the breeze caress my face which made me come out of my reverie and look up.

The leaves in the new tree out front were fluttering and the branches were swaying.

For a moment I felt like that tree was trying to tell me something.

So I listened, very intently, for a few more minutes as those tree branches swayed

and those leaves ruffled and twirled.

No message came to me or filled my mind. 

But I did wonder....Was that you?

Then I watched as a  Hummingbird flew from flower to flower in the garden.

It was so immersed in its work that it didn't notice I was sitting there.

When it finished gathering nectar on the last bloom it directly flew towards me.

It stopped at the last second and hovered in front of my face for long seconds,

Staring at me as I stared back at it.

Again, no message came through but I wondered...Was that You?

On one of my evening walks around the block with the dog 

I glanced up and saw a wispy cloud in the form of an angel.

While the dog did her business my eyes stayed focused on that cloud

Because it's not often one sees an angel shaped cloud.

I even took a picture but it didn't look the same on my IPhone as it did in person.

Yet again I did wonder.....Was that You?

On that same walk, as the sun was setting, a stray sunbeam peered through the trees and caught me in the eye making it water at the intensity and the brightness.

As I stopped and blinked for a moment to clear the tear from my eye, I realized 

that I was at the corner of Maple and Ash...the corner where I always cry.

Were You that light beam seeking me out on that street corner??  Was that You? 

The other night as I was waiting for sleep I could have sworn I heard someone say  "Hello?" 

The house was dark, the dog didn't even bark but still I wondered...Was that You?

Once I woke in the middle of the night and felt for sure that you were lying next to me.

It ended up being the cat but it felt so real at the time...Was that You??

Driving to my chiropractor appointment a truck passed me at the stop sign.

I did a double, triple take. Because the man driving that truck was the spitting image of you.

WAS that You???

Was THAT You??

Was that YOU?

Was it?

The journey through grief is ongoing.

I am surviving.

Love, Lolly

What smell reminds you of them?

He always smelled like heaven to me.

It's one of the first things I noticed about him.

Not once in the 41 years that I knew him did I ever think

Geez! You need a shower pal.

Fresh off of a fire call when he was sweating and covered in soot

I'd smell the smoke in his hair and the pheromones coming off of his body

 and it would bring me to my knees in lust. I could smell him for hours.

It's one of the things that I miss most about his absence...his smell is gone.

Below are the things that remind me the most of his very essence, his presence.

Brut Cologne

Old Spice deodorant Sport scent

BBQ Ribs

Charcoal grills

Snowmobile exhaust

Firefighter turnout gear

Leather

Coffee

The new smell of the camper

Tires

Bonfires

Hot asphalt on a summer day

Clean sheets

Lake Water

The scent of snow

Garlic mustard weeds

Pine Tree Groves

A field of strawberries

Cherry Bombs

Smoke.

I miss the smell of him. I miss the hell out of him.

What smell reminds you of your person?

Lolly

:(

It's 10pm on a Sunday night and I need someone to talk to.

I'm so damn sad and lonely.

I checked Google for grief counseling in my area and it only made me cry harder.

Listen to me.

I am not suicidal. I am sad.

I miss my husband. 

I miss having him to talk to.

I don't like being alone.

It's been 5 months since I've seen him.

And at this moment I don't know how to go on.

A conversation with you in my head

I don't believe you are in heaven looking down on me.

I don't believe that you are watching out for me nor do I believe 

that you are a red cardinal at the feeder or a butterfly in the garden.

Your absence is heavier than I ever thought it would be.

I so badly want to lay eyes on you again. I want to kiss you and hold hands.

I want to smell you and feel you scooch close to me as we sleep together.

I want to ride our Harley on a sunny day with your hand resting on my thigh.

I want to walk the dog around the block without crying at the corner of Maple and Ash because for some odd reason that is where I miss you the most.....on a street corner.

I went grocery shopping and saw all of your favorite things you liked to eat on the shelves and I froze in the aisle deciding if I wanted to buy them anyway.

Our boy drives your truck now, that huge ginormous Ford F-250.

For a split second me and the dog both forget as it pulls in the driveway who is actually driving it.

We are getting ready to sell the boats and I realized that I will never get to sit in the middle of the lake with you and watch you fish anymore.

I can still smell that water and I remember how I always told you that it felt like silk as I dragged my hands through the water as you trolled around the west end searching for "Walter" the big Pike.

I've cried a lot as I wrote this and I'm tired now so I'm gonna go take a nap.

Love you Hon.

Things I have discovered about grief

I'm gonna grow old without him. I'm sad that we won't get to see each other get old and gray.

I've forgotten where and why and how to find gratitude. And at the moment I don't care.

I no longer find joy in reading, in fact I can't concentrate long enough to even begin a book.

I need to sell the RV.  It was our dream to travel together after retirement-

I am not going by myself.

I hate all of the clutter we've accumulated over the years and I want it gone...

all of it.

He has hidden cash all over this house. I keep finding wads of it everywhere. WTH?  Bless him.

I read somewhere that widowhood year two is worse than year one and I cannot imagine how.

Jesus doesn't answer prayer, even when you beg. I knew this 36 years ago but overtime I forgot.

Loneliness can feel physically painful and there is no medicine for this type of pain.

It's hard learning how to grocery shop and cook for just one. 

It's ok to sleep in on a day when you don't have anything to do.

Sleeping too much and not enough are both exhausting in their own way.

I was surprised at how quickly the rest of the world moved on without him.

Most people have no idea how acutely painful grief is. And there is no way to explain it to them.

Grief is lonely and lonesome and makes you feel alone.

I hate it with every fiber of my being.

Lolly

March

After two months of you being gone...

I noticed the grass is starting to turn green.

You show up in my dreams almost every night.

I'm ok with getting rid of your underwear

But your shirts are all still sitting here.

I'm ok by myself but I am lonely

Does that make sense?

I've filed this years income taxes. 

When I am the only one home

I want to call out your name

Just to hear  myself say it out loud

But I don't cuz I'd feel embarrassed.

The camper sits idle in the driveway

And I think I need to sell it

The dream of us traveling in it after retirement

Is no longer a reality for me alone.

The dog doesn't wait for you to come home anymore

And she now hogs your side of the bed.

I've taken to drinking wine every night

It helps me sleep but I feel crappy the next day.

No one touches me like you used to

And it's driving me mad.

I miss you.

Wood smoke on Sunday

The scent of wood smoke greeted me as I stepped out onto the front porch this morning.

It instantly reminded me of you and the tears started flowing.

Taking the dog for her walk around the block also makes me cry.

How many times did you and I walk this same route together? 

Turning the corner towards home a Harley rumbles past me and the dog,

making me look up to see the driver with his passenger on the back, 

her pony tail flapping in the wind and it makes me cry to think that you and I 

will never ride our Harley together again.

Almost home and I hear the sirens first. When I look down the street I see

the emergency vehicles and their flashing lights heading to a call.

The driver of the emergency command vehicle waves at me, she knows I live close by.

I wonder where they are headed. It's strange to not have a radio in the house after 40 years.

If you were here  I would know what is going on.

I dream of you almost every single night.

Sometimes we are boating, sometimes we are grocery shopping, sometimes you save me.

Other times you don't.

Nothing smells like you anymore.

I crave one of your bear hugs like oxygen. Feels like I can't breathe without you.

I wanna talk to you but I don't feel you here or near.

Once it felt like you laid down next to me in bed.

But mostly I feel alone. I am alone. And lonely.

The scent of wood smoke lingers...and reminds me of you.

Grief is not for the feint of heart I can tell you.