March

After two months of you being gone...

I noticed the grass is starting to turn green.

You show up in my dreams almost every night.

I'm ok with getting rid of your underwear

But your shirts are all still sitting here.

I'm ok by myself but I am lonely

Does that make sense?

I've filed this years income taxes. 

When I am the only one home

I want to call out your name

Just to hear  myself say it out loud

But I don't cuz I'd feel embarrassed.

The camper sits idle in the driveway

And I think I need to sell it

The dream of us traveling in it after retirement

Is no longer a reality for me alone.

The dog doesn't wait for you to come home anymore

And she now hogs your side of the bed.

I've taken to drinking wine every night

It helps me sleep but I feel crappy the next day.

No one touches me like you used to

And it's driving me mad.

I miss you.

Wood smoke on Sunday

The scent of wood smoke greeted me as I stepped out onto the front porch this morning.

It instantly reminded me of you and the tears started flowing.

Taking the dog for her walk around the block also makes me cry.

How many times did you and I walk this same route together? 

Turning the corner towards home a Harley rumbles past me and the dog,

making me look up to see the driver with his passenger on the back, 

her pony tail flapping in the wind and it makes me cry to think that you and I 

will never ride our Harley together again.

Almost home and I hear the sirens first. When I look down the street I see

the emergency vehicles and their flashing lights heading to a call.

The driver of the emergency command vehicle waves at me, she knows I live close by.

I wonder where they are headed. It's strange to not have a radio in the house after 40 years.

If you were here  I would know what is going on.

I dream of you almost every single night.

Sometimes we are boating, sometimes we are grocery shopping, sometimes you save me.

Other times you don't.

Nothing smells like you anymore.

I crave one of your bear hugs like oxygen. Feels like I can't breathe without you.

I wanna talk to you but I don't feel you here or near.

Once it felt like you laid down next to me in bed.

But mostly I feel alone. I am alone. And lonely.

The scent of wood smoke lingers...and reminds me of you.

Grief is not for the feint of heart I can tell you.

25 days out

As expected I am grieving.

I am heart broken, sad, adrift.

My thinking is fuzzy and I am forgetful

For some reason, I can't figure out how to grocery shop for everything I need.

I hate wearing jeans and prefer my husbands sweats instead. His T-shirts too.

Nothing smells like him anymore and I miss that. I threw out his toothbrush.

I miss the feel of his warm skin and the sound of his voice. I miss his eyes.

I miss holding hands and kissing goodnight and the way he used to kiss my neck.

I allow myself the luxury of bawling my eyes out whenever I feel like it.

I prefer being by myself and so far others have respected my wishes.

I feel like I am a wounded animal and just want to be left alone to nurse my wounds in private.

For the moment I enjoy the silence and the solitude. 

The world is getting scarier by the day and I wish he was here, healthy and whole, to talk to.

I am eating and sleeping (probably too much of both) but I think it's allowed for new widows.

I need to learn how to process this new life I've been given and put it into my writing.

Still a work in progress and I am ok with that. No rush. No hurry.

I'll keep you posted.

Love, Lolly

Walking on alone

I'm as sad as I've ever been,

I miss him so much.

I cannot put it into words yet,

What my heart feels like.

All I know is I am walking on

Alone.

2022 our last year together

 Barring any kind of God ordained miracle this will be our last year together.

Never in a million years did I think I would be doing this..caring for my dying man.

It's awful and heartbreaking. He has no dignity left and there are adult diapers in this house.

I'm lonely and stressed out. I don't want this to be my life, OUR life, and yet it is.

I'm tired and yet I can't sleep. I toss and turn at night while listening for him to call for help.

I miss being taken care of.  I miss being a wife. I miss sleeping in the same bed with him.

I miss doing the simple things together like shopping for groceries or walking the dog.

I. Miss. Him.

I miss the timbre of his voice, I miss the way he always smelled like Heaven, I miss his sense of humor.

I miss the size he used to be...6' tall and 200 pounds.

Did you know that I can lift him up all by myself right now?

When I gently hug him all I can feel are his bones.

Cancer is a horrible disease...for patients and family members who love them.

I know how this will all end and truly I tell you I don't want to witness it, but I have no choice.

Just like he had no choice in getting afflicted with this.

I don't want to be a widow, I don't want to do life on my own but what choice do I have?

He is too ill to go on any last minute trips or make new memories together.

The RV sits in the driveway covered in snow while the Harley sits in the garage under a tarp.

Covid has prevented us from being with our adult kids and the grandkids as much as we'd like.

There is very little to be joyful about and I fear that this will be our hardest and saddest year together.

I wish with all my heart and soul that it could be different for him, for me, for us.

We fought against life and each other for the first 28 years of our marriage. It was so hard.

These last 11 years have been the best of our lives, and it has been so good and loving.

He spoiled me. He became my rock. We were gonna ride off into the sunset on our Harley together.

Guess he will go ahead of me. And I will meet him there when it is my turn.

When it's time for him to leave this Earth I will tell him:

"Go on Hon...you can go. Go hug our baby Abigail and give her a kiss for me. 

Pet the dogs and cats and tell them I still miss them all.

I will look for you in the beautiful sunrises and sunsets for the rest of my days.

And at night I hope I'll find you in the stars winking down at me.

And Thanks Art. Thanks for loving me, thanks for the beautiful kids, thanks for everything."

Love, me. XO

Telling the truth

 To say that I have been on an emotional roller coaster is quite the understatement.

Him and I are, to put it simply, devastated.

All of our future plans and dreams have vanished into thin air.

He was going to retire next year.

The places we wanted to go, the things we wanted to do....are gone.

We wanted to load up our Harley into the back of our RV and ride off into the sunset with our little dog.

Neither one of us has ever seen the western United States.

Well...we did go to South Dakota but what we were talking about was West.

Montana, California, Washington state, maybe Vancouver Island so I could try to find Birdie.

I wanted to go East and see Martha's Vineyard, Maine, New Hampshire too.

Next year we said. Next year we would hit the road. Next year we would head out to new adventures.

We wanted to park our RV on the beach down near the gulf of Mexico. 

We wanted to wake up with the sound of the ocean coming in through the open windows.

We wanted to see the Redwoods, the Sierra Mountains, that bridge in Oregon with the waterfall.

Jackson Hole Wyoming, The Grand Canyon, Sante Fe.

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His cancer seems to be advancing at an alarming speed.

They have not given us a time line other than perhaps 6 mos to a year.

I am having difficulty processing this sometimes. I am forgetful. I forget to eat some days.

I am sad. I cry a lot. My heart breaks for the grand children who love him so much.

You can see the worry in their eyes. His eyes sometimes are vacant and stare off into space.

Some mornings when I wake him I can see his old self lurking there behind the pain.

I'll say to him " There you are. You're back. Wanna stay a while?"

He asks for pain meds and I lose him again to the medicine that keeps him comfortable.

This feels like such a fucking nightmare.

I don't want this to be our life. I don't want this for him. I don't want to be a widow.

It is so incredibly unfair. 

Pardon my dust. I'm under deconstruction.

 So I sorta checked out for the last year.

I've been on FB and Instagram daily but I don't post about much

except for Instagram where I post pics once in a while.

It might be a shock to you to find out that I've been deconstructing my faith.

And it's the strangest damn thing.

In the past I've seen Jesus with my own eyes.

I've heard the sound of his voice with my own ears.

I have physically felt his presence in the ether around me.

Don't get me wrong...I still believe in Him but I don't see him or hear him or feel him anymore.

So I quit going to my church during the pandemic and I feel no sense of loss or remorse.

I am trying to find a connection to something spiritual through nature and meditation.

When I hear birds I stop in my tracks and look up for the source.

They way they chirp and twitter and sing makes me feel holy. 

So does the sound of the wind soughing through the leaves.

I want it to rain all the time because the scent of rain can drop me to my knees with it's heavenly smell.

Outside my window I can see the pop of spring green as the leaves bud on the trees.

Our neighbors have a bed of tulips in rainbow colors that thrills me every time I see it.

My Hostas and Bee Balm and Day Lily's are starting to grow and I can smell life in the dirt outside my front door. 

Winter is my favorite season but Spring is a close second.

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In my family and extended family all of us adults have been inoculated against Covid-19.

I still don't go anywhere and the grand kids are still doing remote learning here in my living room.

We still order groceries on line and do curbside pick up when we can. 

Amazon works well for us fortunately as we order a lot of things on-line.

Honestly I'm not sure if I want that part of life, shopping in person, to ever go back to normal.

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 My husband had spine surgery back in March and then developed complications to his diabetes after that. It's been a long road to recovery and he's not done yet. We need to change the way he eats and check his sugars more.  We are taking it one day and one meal at a time.

He still has a lot of PT to complete for his spine rehab but at least he can go back to work.

I rather enjoyed having him home for the last two months which surprises me.

We mellowed as we've gotten older and I've noticed during the length of his confinement that he's not such a rotten patient and I'm not such a bad nurse after all.

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I'm not sure when I'll post again. I'm trying to figure out if blogging is still my thing or not.

I will say that I miss reading your blogs and I miss my little tiny on-line community of friends.

As always,

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly