as if

 i've learned that the body keeps the score.

it holds on to sadness and grief

no matter how had you try to move on.

as if moving on is some sort of solution

that could fix a broken heart. as if

Hold On

 

Music will save me. 

A January rant

If I'm being truthful Jesus left first.

One day he was there, and by that I mean everywhere, and the next day he was gone.

Poof. Gone.

In a puff of ether He left. And gave me no warning.

His absence was a physical thing.

I could tell He was gone.

The nothingness was palpable.

The silence was deafening.

And it confused me.

Why would Jesus leave? Why can't I see Him anymore? Why can't I feel Him?

And then my husband got cancer.

I prayed and I begged and I pleaded. All to no avail.

Jesus didn't hear me or answer any of my prayers.

My husband died a miserable, painful death,

And Jesus never showed up. Not once.

I felt no comfort. I never felt His presence. 

But I felt His absence like a stone in my shoe.

I don't know that I can get past this.

I've been struggling with this for a while.

I don't blame Jesus but I will say He did NOT help us thru this.

I feel abandoned. And I am mad as hell.

And I'm not sure how to handle this.

I feel no guilt or remorse but I do wonder...

If  Jesus really gives a shit, does He feel guilt or remorse?

If He is real, why didn't He step in and save my husband?

Why kill by cancer? 

Babies, children, sisters, brothers, parents, spouses...

It is a horrific thing...what is His excuse?

Give me a reason to believe that Jesus gives a rats ass...

give me a reason to believe that Jesus loves us and doesn't want us to suffer.

Give me proof that Jesus exists...that He's not just a figment of my imagination.

What say you???

Florida 2022

 I went to Florida without you. Well...technically I brought you with but....

Matt drove too fast and I was worried the whole time. 

When you drove us, I felt a sense of trust and safety.

The ocean wasn't the same without you sitting beside me.

Nobody fished. Nobody sat in the sand with me at 6:00 in the am drinking coffee and watching the birds.

Nobody ate Crab legs until they were ill. Nobody wanted me to make chicken salad.

Alcohol helped me sleep alone in a strange bed in a strange condo. 

Kena was a trooper and tolerated the entire 17 hour drive down.

I was worried about her but she did just fine.

We left pieces of you there, in the waves, like you asked us to.

It was harder than I thought it would be...setting you adrift.

I miss your strength, I miss your touch, I miss the sound of your voice.

I hate that you aren't here with us anymore.

I hate cancer and I hate what it did to you,

And I hate how sad I am that you aren't here with me.

The dog hogs the bed and I long to hear you snore.

I pay the bills and I changed cable companies.

I wash my clothes and sometimes I wear yours.

There are 4 pork roasts in the freezer and I eat toast every day for dinner.

Nothing is the same and every thing is different.

I want to talk to you so bad... it feels like an ache.

Grief is the loneliest planet to live on.

The Mourning Dove

There is a mourning dove that sits by itself on the high wire in front of my house.

I noticed it the other day while stepping out to walk the dog.

I also noticed that the leaves are starting to change colors.

I've picked up a few that have really spoken to me; a green one shot through with a vein of yellow and bright red down the center and another one just shy of being red so it almost appeared to be pink.

There are yellow ones freckled with little brown dots, and crunchy brown ones too. One street over there are flame red ones already on the ground.

We won't get any really good color on the trees until middle to late October

I am a visual person so when I see something in nature that catches my eye I must have it.

Mostly I decorate with these items. I'll put a few leaves and acorns in a bowl or 

maybe tuck them in to a little corner next to some books.

I do this with rocks and twigs, seashells and feathers...whatever strikes my fancy.

So anyway about that Mourning Dove...

It followed me and the dog on our walk around the block.

It landed on telephone poles and fences and even on a neighbors TV antenna on their roof.

As we rounded the corner towards home I noticed a feather on the ground.

Smooth and round on the tip, gray and slightly fuzzy near the quill end.

The fuzzy gray tiny feathers caught my eye as they fluttered in the breeze.

I stepped over it and kept walking for a few paces, then I stopped and turned around.

The feather was gone...I looked for it but it must have floated off on the breeze.

Turning back around and starting for home I looked up and there was that solitary Mourning Dove perched on a high wire directly over my head.

That's when the thought came to me that maybe the feather had been a gift.

"Here's a piece of me to keep with you".

*************

When I got home I looked up Mourning Doves and found this-

7 Dove Spiritual Meanings

Around the world, doves hold important spiritual meanings for people. Not only are they referenced in the Bible, but ancient Indigenous cultures revered them as well. On a personal level, seeing a dove can carry spiritual meanings. Some even believe they hold message from their spirit guides just as angel numbers do. Here are some of those possibly messages:

1. Your angels are validating that you are on the right path. The dove doesn’t lose their way. And if you keep your faith, you will find your way.

2. If you are single, your romantic soulmate is looking for you. It is the nature of soulmates to find each other. Do things to increase your odds that the two of you will connect.

3. If you are in an established bond, the dove signifies that the bond with your soulmate is eternal. Treat them with gratitude and care.

4. Be pure of heart in your words and actions. This is the mark of an enlightened soul.

5. You are in the process of a spiritual awakening.

6. A loved one who has passed is reaching out to let you know they are present and that they are at peace.

7. Keep the faith in your higher power and know that the universe if wise and loving.

************************

Now I don't know if that was him or not but it sure gave me a nice feeling.

Guess I'll be on the lookout for more feathers.

Love, Lolly

On the Homefront

 The rehab on my house is coming along nicely.

Ceilings have been replaced or painted as the case may be, both of the upstairs bedroom walls  have been white washed and all of the carpet on the second level has been torn out.

Paneling in the TV room was removed and we found a ton of damage to these old 1910 plaster/lath walls. We also found 4 or 5 layers of old hand stamped wallpaper under those panels. We tried to remove some of the layers to see what was underneath. I felt like an archeologist peeling back that old paper. You could almost see each decade in the prints that had been chosen. 

We took pictures before we covered it up.

So new paneling was put up and we tried to white wash it but it didn't take.

Deb and I spent 7 hours scraping the paint back off.

The good news is that the TV room looks just as good without the white wash on the walls.

The new flooring going in the TV room doesn't match as well anymore but whatever.

Deb, Kate and I have been going with a lot of Plan B's. 

It's easier than fretting about Plan A not working.

When it comes to old houses you gotta roll with the punches and work with what ya got.

The only rooms that aren't being rehabbed are my bedroom and the bathroom.

These two rooms have become my sanctuaries lately. I sleep, eat and relax on my bed and I still have a working bathroom so I can take my Epsom salt baths after the construction guys leave.

Everything else is complete chaos. The furniture is gone, closets are emptied and the contents of my entire kitchen are in boxes in the sitting room. Kate is wonderful at keeping me on this planet.

You know what really helps me?  When I work along side them; painting, scraping, hauling boxes.

The work is hard and sweaty and dirty but the days go by in a flash!

And the feeling of accomplishment, of a job well done, sits right in my soul.

The depression is lifting. I'm no longer eating or sleeping the day away.

I've unclenched my hands, and my anxiety is quiet.

I still don't feel Art or Jesus around me yet. but that's okay.

Maybe they're busy elsewhere. Lord knows this World is burning down around us.

There are plenty of small fires to keep them both occupied for decades.

In the mean time I'll keep rehabbing this old house and I'll trust the wait.

Love, Lolly

Change is hard

 I've continued on with the house renovations even tho 2 of my 3 adult kids are unhappy.

Severely unhappy. Snarky. Combative. Rude. Verging on assholery.

We bought this house in 1994. Moved in lock, stock and barrel. 

Unpacked our boxes and started living here. No renovations, no new paint, nothing.

Moving is expensive. Three preteen kids can also be expensive. So can regular every day living.

So for 28 years we lived with the old carpet and the old wood paneling, plaster and lath walls, sketchy electrical switches and outlets, and the plumbing....don't get me started about the plumbing issues.

Back then I worked 40 + hours a week at the doctors office. He was a full-time firefighter/medic.

All three kids had school, friends, after school extracurricular activities, sports etc.

We were busy living our lives so the repairs to this old house took a back seat.

After he got injured while on that paramedic call, his back was never the same and surgeries and pain control took over our lives.

So the repairs again took a back seat to lifes problems.

Sometimes he'd start a project but would never finish it.

We showered for an entire year with plastic sheeting lining the walls of our shower because he took the tub surround out and couldn't find another one to fit the space.

He was worried about the electrical wiring in this 120 year old house so 25 years ago he took out the light in the stairwell leading to the kids bedrooms upstairs... never did fix it. He cut the wires and disconnected everything so it was safe but the children went up and down those stairs in the pitch dark for the next 20 years.

So what was he doing instead of fixing the house?

He bought boats, motorcycles, camping equipment, rifles, trucks, cars and two RV's.

We all enjoyed those toys and the kids still talk about how great their childhood was.

Camping trips, days spent on the lake boating, tubing and swimming, and vacations to Florida.

We, all of us, enjoyed each other and ourselves on those boating, fishing, and camping vacations.

But this old house paid the price by being neglected.

In March 2019 when Covid hit,  him and I redid the sitting room. New paint for the walls and ceiling, new furniture and a new ceiling fan. It turned out beautiful but the rest of the house was ignored.

In 2021 he got sick with pancreatic cancer and was too ill to work on the house or at his job as fire inspector.   He retired in October 2021 and died in January of 2022.

***********

Six months later I got drunk one night in June and texted a friend, an Interior Designer.

Told her I was sick of living in this undecorated house and could she help me fix it up?

She told me that she believed God had something to do with me asking her for her help.

(Uh, more like Chardonnay was my first thought.)

Come to find out she and her mother in law do this sort of thing for a living.

They enter a house, talk to the owner(s) and get a feel for their lives and their life story.

They talked to me and asked me how I met Art and about our lives and our relationship.

Then they walked through the rooms of my house asking questions about each room, what it had been used for and any ideas I had for future use.

I showed her a few pics from my Pinterest Dream House board, told her about a few ideas I liked.

She said it was all doable, no problem, that she'd be happy to help me, so I asked her for a contract.

"How much is this gonna cost me?" I asked. Pay for the materials and the contractor was her answer.

To say I was stunned speechless is an understatement. Total cost to me would only be $4,000.00.

In return I would get:

A new ceiling upstairs in the kids tandem bedrooms, painted walls and closets, old carpet tore up and thrown out and the rough walls sanded down (the former owner used something on the walls that made them sharp like needles. We used to call them "Damnit" walls, cuz when you got too close you ended up bleeding. We've all got scars from those damn walls.)

Also, new drywall for the living room walls, new floors installed in the sitting room, living room and kitchen.

They even did the first floor bedroom where Art spent his last days on this earth. In fact that's the first room they did. Those wonderful angelic, mystic women changed that room from a cancer patients room to a toy room for the grandkids and it completely changed the feeling of that room.

I wish the kids were all onboard with me and these changes.

It feels life changing to me in the best way possible, like I can breathe again.

Life has been so hard for the last 2 years and this feels like the change that I needed.

We all handle grief differently and I guess that they are just not ready for change like I am.

My sister says that I  deserve this, that it's ok to need to change, to want to change.

But it's hard to be the only one changing at the moment. They are not on the same page I am.

I want to apologize to them but I don't really know what I am apologizing for.

I am learning that it is ok to need to do something for ME for the first time in a long time.

But it still hurts all the same.

Love, Lolly