Coincidence

I love the Seinfeld episode where Elaine is talking about coincidences.
"There are no big coincidences or little coincidences....only coincidences."
Today, I beg to differ.
Because yesterday I had a big coincidence.
So big in fact, that I know God had a hand in it.

My husband and I are painting our house.
He's on one side of the house and I am on the other.
We both have our own headphones in listening to music.
While I'm busy painting trim and corners I hear someone shouting.
The words are indecipherable but I distinctly hear yelling.
Over the volume of my worship music (!) which is loud in my ears.
So I pause to take out my ear buds just to make sure it isn't him
dangling from the ladder and calling to me for help.

What I hear is a woman's voice and it's loud and she's arguing with someone.
And it's getting louder.
I look around and see nobody.
What the?!?
I can hear it...her...yelling.
So I wait and pretty soon here she comes from 3 houses down the street.
It's our town resident with..um..emotional problems.
She looks homeless but she's not.
Carries 3 purses full of shit everywhere she walks.
Her face is as brown as a nut from walking the streets all. day. long.
And as she walks, she argues with herself or God or whoever.

Now, you know, that I have been wrestling with feeling "less than"
since my closet purging. And you know I have been wrestling with
this damn lie that I can't seem to shake loose of.
So here is what I heard this woman say to herself the minute she came into view-

"Let go and Let God! You're only hurting your heart"

Can I tell you Ladies, that it felt to me like it was God shouting that at me!!
It stunned me.
Paint brush stilled in mid air, cocoa brown paint dripping onto the knee of my jeans.
Me standing there with my jaw hanging open watching the town bag lady
in her day glow orange knit hat pulled snuggley down over her hair
on an 80 degree sunny day arguing with her demons and herself and her purses
walking past my house and I !! .....I hear a message from my God?

"Let go and Let God! You're only hurting your heart"

I took it as a message from God, because, really, the only other alternative
is that I might be losing it too. As in losing my mind.
Not really but still....
It doesn't feel like I'm losing it tho. It feels more like divine intervention.
I mean who hears stuff like this right when they need it?!
It happens to me all the time.
The right prayer or the right Bible verse appears as soon as I open the book.
I read a blog post and it is just what I needed to hear at that moment on that day.
I go to church on Sunday and it's like the pastor has been eaves dropping on my life.
The sermon or the message of the sermon fits into my life like a glove.

These are my God moments, people.
This is my proof that He's real, that He hears me and He knows me and He loves me.

This is the quote that showed up today on Ann Voskamps blog.
Coincidence?? I think not.

Untie that lie that strangles you by circling your life with Truth: Give Thanks to The Lord, His Love Endures –

Thanks Lord. For everything. I love you too.

Inspiration

I read so many blogs.
Maybe I follow too many.
That bothers me. Why? I can't say for sure.
In my head it makes me appear that I have nothing else to do all day but blog hop.

Not everyone posts every day.
In fact nobody does except those 31 Dayers in October.
I tried it once. 31 days of prayer.
It was harder than I thought it would be.
Come to find out I didn't have much to say about prayer.

I just want something to read on a daily basis.
Ha! Like I'm not reading every day already.
I read Courage to Change everyday.
I read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young daily.
I read The Shack: Reflections for everyday
I also read Daily Guideposts Spirit Lifting Thoughts for Everyday.
Once a week I read 7 chapters from The Awakening by Mark Nepo.
I have a stack of books from the library sitting next to me- 5 to be exact.
And I have all of those blogs.
But like I said, not everyone posts all the time.
Some of my favorites only post once a month.
But still I check everyday to make sure I'm not missing a post.

You never know where your inspiration for the day is going to come from.
Occasionally what I read and what happens to me coincide.

Like my last post- The one where I purged my closet and got rid of my work clothes.
(Thank you Birdie for commenting. I loved what you said about throwing out the lie.)

The day after my post, I saw the reading for the day in Daily Guideposts.
It was about a woman (Roberta Messner) who had lost 50 pounds and
had to give away her work wardrobe. (I am the opposite)
In the beginning of the article she quoted scripture-
"Behold, I will do a new thing..." ~ Isaiah 43:19(NKJV)
She went on to say that each of the outfits held special meaning and memories for her.
She described the joy at the time she wore them of putting each outfit together
including the matching jewelry. (Same here)
She knew where she had bought them and what her life was like at the time. (Yep)
And she hated to let them go. (Sounds so eerily familiar)
She then goes on to say that recently at church her pastor spoke about how the Lord is doing a brand-new thing in each of our lives and how it should fill our hearts to overflowing.
She finds an organization that provides work clothes for women who are job searching and can't afford to buy new. She ends her story with these words-
"Suddenly, the thought of someone wearing my clothes to have a better life
fills me with amazing joy. Everything I have, God, really belongs to You.
Help me to release it today with a heart full of joy."

I want to do that too; Give my clothes to a woman who so desperately needs them.
I don't know of an organization like the one she found so I will be taking mine
to the local Goodwill store.
I have given some of the nicer pieces to my daughter, and I cried then too.
Why are clothes making me cry?
Why does it still feel like a loss?
Why am I still believing the lie?

Everything I have, God, really belongs to You.
Help me to release it today with a heart full of joy.

Purging

So I went through my closet today.
Got rid of everything that doesn't fit me anymore.
Got rid of work clothes that I no longer can or need to wear.
And it broke me. It broke my heart, and it broke me down.

I think it's supposed to be cathartic to purge every so often.
Guess I needed to do this years ago.

Six years ago (Holy Cow....6 years already??) I got fired.
They termed it letting me go, but it was the same thing.

It's taken me a long time to get over it.

I'd been promoted to what I like to call a ghost position.
I had the title of front end manager but it was an empty title...it didn't mean anything.
I had no power to make any decisions or changes, no hiring, no nothing.
Nor was I allowed to speak to the owners to voice my ideas or complaints.
It made me crazy.
Anything I did do or idea I did have was claimed by the practice manager as hers.
That made me crazier still.
It also made me mad. And being mad is what got me fired.

Listen...It wasn't a good time in my life.
I was floundering as a manager...I had no skills,
I didn't know how to do the job they hired me to do,
But they made me do it anyway...it was a failure waiting to happen.

So I'm promoted within the company to a managers job that I'm not qualified for.
My sister dies 6 months into this.
Practice manager wanted me to know that they (her and the owners) were being nice to me.
Told me that they could have fired me for taking so much time off in regards to my sister dying.

The practice manager told me that I would need to get down to business now that the funeral was over.
Told me that now it was time to move on (this the day after I returned from bereavement leave).
And I'm fired 6 months later.

So, yeah, in one years time I was promoted, I watched my sister get sick and die in a horrible way,
and then I was fired from a job I'd been at for 14 years.

Crazy was putting it mildly.
I went on Unemployment which is so extremely stressful!!
Oh my gosh is it stressful...who knew??
That lasted 9 months, then I found a new place of employment.
I work there a year before I walk out the door vowing to myself
to never take verbal abuse from any employer. Ever. Again. Ever.
And that's when my work clothes start to collect dust.

I told my husband that I didn't want to work anymore...that I'd had enough.
So I started babysitting my grandkids...just the 1 at first, now there are 2 that I watch.
So there sits my wardrobe...collecting dust and hanger marks.
Every single morning I see it as I get out of bed.
All those clothes from 14 years as a receptionist, hanging there in my closet, useless.
All those clothes that I spent my paychecks on, all those cute and tiny and lovely clothes...
Nothing but dust collectors now.
And I feel it, every morning when I wake up...and I see into that closet.
I see the loss, the failure, the sense of...I don't know what.... a feeling of grief...is that it??
Could it be guilt??? I don't know.
I only know that every time I see all of those size 4, 5, and 6 work outfits hanging there
it reminds me of what I lost, it reminds me of my failure...and it makes me feel sad.
And I'm tired of feeling sad about clothes.
I'm tired of reliving the fact that I don't work outside the home anymore.
I'm tired of feeling guilty about not being able to fit into these clothes anymore!

Listen here-
Jesus???
When I wore those clothes, I worked 10 hour days without a lunch.
When I wore those clothes, I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day, or more.
When I wore those clothes, I was a different person.
And Jesus??
The woman that wore those clothes was angry, and anxious and a multi-tasker.
The woman that wore those clothes wanted other people to compliment her on her cute clothes.
That woman wasn't very nice, was very co-dependant, and was miserable to be around.
The woman that wore those clothes did not have a relationship with you, Jesus.

The woman that I am today would like to move past all that.
The woman that I am today would like to be able to get up in the morning
and not be haunted by an old work wardrobe that is collecting dust.

So I purged my closet today and I cried while I did it.
Tears of relief? pain? sadness? I don't know.

But I'm bagging it all up and taking it down to Goodwill.

Then I'm going to pick up my grandkids and go to work.

Tuesday

After the hustle and bustle of summer (what hustle and bustle??)
I am so ready for the cooler weather heading our way.
I am sick unto death of being hot and sweaty.
If this is "The Change", then I've been going through it for over 7 years.
Summer anymore makes me feel cranky and out of sorts.

Walking to the library yesterday with the grand kids,
made me feel like I wanted to scream.
Half way there, I come across two ladies that I went to high school with.
They are out walking their usual 5 miles a day that they feel they must map out
and then put on Facebook for the rest of us to not really give a damn about.
It was so hot and humid and I was so hot and sweaty.
And they look like a million bucks...ok not a million dollars really
but a couple of hundred maybe, in their walking shorts and shoes that match.
And their hair was perfect...not messy or  mussed up or even in a pony tail.
They had make up on for shits sake!
They smiled at me and said Hi.  Said the grand kids were cute.
To which I responded with-
"I babysit them for 8 hours a day. At the end of the day they're not so cute anymore".
What a stupid thing to say...and they are still cute at the end of the day!
Tsk...why am I so inept at small talk??

I knew what I looked like...I'd been walking for a block and sweating since I had
stepped out of my house.
My hair was flat, my face was flushed, I was wearing my usual scowl.
You know the one, right?
The one I wear when I'm walking to the library and pushing a one year old in a stroller and trying to keep a 4 year old from riding his bike into the street and oncoming traffic.
I judged them for looking too cool and perky...I can only assume they judged me for looking as haggard as I felt.
Is it wrong to tell you I could have sworn that I heard them whisper to each other
 "Weirdo"    as I turned from them and went on my merry way?
Did they? Or is that just my imagination running away with me?

Enough already!! Will these hot flashes never end? Will I ever not be irritable??

Went to the department store with my sister yesterday morning.
Standing in the checkout line, I felt the heat flash over me.
Sonofa....!!!
My deodorant vaporizes instantly...gone...like I never put it on.
I can feel the sweat glands come to life on my head.
I swear I hear a sizzle.
I am instantly aggravated at the poor cashier and my sister too if I'm being honest.
These flashes make me so irritable.
I would almost call it a fight or flight reaction.
I felt that sense of momentary panic...like I wanted to leave the store that instant.
My sister claims to have never felt any menopause symptoms,
so in my mind, I punch her in the back of her head as I storm out of the store,
but I don't actually leave the store.
It's just in my imagination, a little fantasy, for those few minutes as I stand there
and roast to death in the hottest fucking store on Earth!

I feel like a limp dish rag.
Humidity while never any body's friend, is especially tortuous to me.
I can't seem to get away from it this summer.
I can't stop my head from sweating nor my hair from becoming flat.
Big life issues, right?

I told my hairdresser that I want short hair...pixie short.
She said I wouldn't like it.
I beg to differ.
I heard somewhere that every woman should know the freedom of having short hair once in their lifetime.
I am so ready for that freedom.
Personally, I'm rather sick of bitching about my hair on this blog of mine.
Again, I say Enough Already!!

Is it wrong to pray to Jesus to alleviate my menopausal symptoms?
Is it wrong to ask Him to give me courage and strength and cooler weather?
Is it wrong to say to Jesus "Enough already?"
Probably not.

Dear Jesus,
Enough already.
Enough with the hot flashes.
Enough with the sweating.
Enough with my judging of others.
Please help me deal with these things
in a different way.
Give me, grace, peace, forgiveness.
Give me cooler weather, less humidity.
Give me wisdom to stay indoors.
Give me words to say during small talk.
Give me more cute grandchildren.
Give me more of You.
Amen