Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Al-Anon is helping me to find my voice. My fear is that I have been silent for far too long. This is so new and confusing and difficult. I need to speak up for myself, yet not get caught up in the "it's all about me" scenerio. I'm frustrated with my progress. Sometimes I can say what I need to say and at other times, I project in my head how I think he might respond to what I have to say and it renders me silent...again. I am so tired of not being able to speak up for myself. I don't like this codependancy thing anymore. I want to be able to state an opinion or a feeling or even a criticism without being made to feel wrong or small or stupid. Some days, when I don't work the program...life can really kick me in my ass. I find myself hiding behind a book or being "extra busy" at something just to avoid talking. Unhealthy, I know, but I've been in an unhealthy relationship for 29 years now. It might take me awhile to get the hang of this speaking out thing. Does it ever get any easier? Man, I sure hope so. But what I really wanna ask is does the fear ever go away? Fear of speaking out and fear of remaining silent. Which is the lesser of two evils? Which one is a lesson and which one is a blessing?