Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

She called me beautiful. Me. Beautiful. And she meant it. And it made me want to cry. Imagine! Someone thinking that I am beautiful......so...not....true. And yet, she had the grace to actually tell me so. How could she possible know that THAT is  what I struggle with? An issue of inner and outer beauty? The added 20 pounds from quitting smoking that makes me feel so unattractive and self conscious - yet she claims that I looked too skinny before, unhealthy like. And she notices that my attitude is different....that I no longer seem angry and stressed and hurried. She sees the difference in me; a difference I can sometimes see and feel about myself. However...I am not so easily appeased about the difference she notices in my personality. I still struggle mightily to forgive myself for my past sins. The way that I treated others in the past is appalling to me now. I don't know how to forgive myself. The increase in my weight can be hidden underneath baggy clothes when it bothers me. But how do I keep hidden the shame of my past actions? How do I learn to forgive myself for the things that I said or did in the past ? What action on my part can make it better? What can I do to start forgiving myself ? How do I let my own demons go??  My outside may be a little heavier to the naked eye, but it is the weight of what I got going on the inside that is really weighing me down. Thanks for the compliment....I'll let you know when I can truly accept it.