Monday, February 27, 2012
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
She called me beautiful. Me. Beautiful. And she meant it. And it made me want to cry. Imagine! Someone thinking that I am beautiful......so...not....true. And yet, she had the grace to actually tell me so. How could she possible know that THAT is what I struggle with? An issue of inner and outer beauty? The added 20 pounds from quitting smoking that makes me feel so unattractive and self conscious - yet she claims that I looked too skinny before, unhealthy like. And she notices that my attitude is different....that I no longer seem angry and stressed and hurried. She sees the difference in me; a difference I can sometimes see and feel about myself. However...I am not so easily appeased about the difference she notices in my personality. I still struggle mightily to forgive myself for my past sins. The way that I treated others in the past is appalling to me now. I don't know how to forgive myself. The increase in my weight can be hidden underneath baggy clothes when it bothers me. But how do I keep hidden the shame of my past actions? How do I learn to forgive myself for the things that I said or did in the past ? What action on my part can make it better? What can I do to start forgiving myself ? How do I let my own demons go?? My outside may be a little heavier to the naked eye, but it is the weight of what I got going on the inside that is really weighing me down. Thanks for the compliment....I'll let you know when I can truly accept it.