Monday, August 27, 2012

Living in lack

It's strange to me how my husband can live in the same house as me, see the same things, hear the same news reports, virtually experiencing living life together for the last 30 years with me and still.... still, find that he himself lives in a state of lack.  Sometimes the things he says to me are so painful and hurtful. I have to wonder why do I stay with him. He is so miserably unhappy that he finds it difficult to find peace and gratitude in many situations. He often can only see the negative life experiences. There is no joy in this man of mine. Since my spiritual awakening, I am able to  view the world thru a different lens. I see now how there is a certain holiness, say, in a red bird singing on my fence post or the way the breeze looks as it goes thru the trees, or the sound of a baby laughing or rain soaking into the ground. Or how God likes to show off by making spectacular sunsets just for our enjoyment or maybe He does it just because He can. Whatever it is, I feel badly for my husband because he cannot see the holy in anything. He chooses not to go to church with me. He chooses not to go to church at all. He has told me himself that he is mad at God. Mad at the way his life has turned out. I know for sure that he is holding a grudge against me for the intervention that the kids and I had for him. And I also know that he resents me a lot for the things that he says were done to him throughout our marriage. What I can't get him to understand is that we both did things, said things, thought bad things about each other all these years. But it is in the past. I for one, would like to move on to a place of forgiveness, but I know that he is not there yet. Living with a dry drunk is sometimes harder than living with an active drinker. He has all the same bad habits and thought processing of an active alcoholic, but none of the booze soaked thinking or passing out drunk to go with it. He is still so filled with anger and rage. I wait for this cataclysmic eruption that I know will happen one day. I almost can feel it coming....hovering in his mind, lurking behind corners. I turned around quickly the other day to find him staring at me with such a look of hatred on his stunned me. I asked him about it. He said he was just spacing off. Ummm, ya, sure, ok Hon. I'm not afraid of him, it's more like I'm afraid for him. A body can only hold onto to so much stuffed anger for so long before it goes kaplow! I wish that he could learn to let go of some of his anger and pain. I wish that he could see the world thru new eyes and realize that we both have so much to be grateful for. He still mainly thinks about himself and what he doesn't have and what he can buy for himself that he thinks will make him happy. I'm not sure if that is something that I am going to have to learn to live with or if that is something that will go away if he ever gets healed thru AA. Time will tell I guess. In the mean time, I pray for him alot. The good Lord can come thru with an answer any day now. Life lessons and blessings still abound for me daily. I am grateful for every little thing. Peace!

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